Could just use a few gentle cyber hugs

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Mattsmom277, May 18, 2011.

  1. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Overall I'm doing pretty well I'd say in coping with this latest move forward in attempting to have my bio father finally brought to justice for his decades of crimes. Today is just one of those days where it hits hard for some reason and again, as I posted a couple weeks back, I'm noticing the glaring isolation I am living now that I've completed a formal taped interview by police.

    Woke up this morning to see that my baby sisters mother has added him on a social network. Not a word from police, the file was to be passed from the kind man who interviewed me to a different cities police. I was to have heard last week from that department but have heard nothing. Not gotten a single response to sending out copies of his confession to all of those he abused. My sister remains unable (and I believe due to lies from her mother, unwilling) to use FB to talk to me. She hasn't moved me off MSN yet but when I saw her there and messaged her, she logged off. My aunt here in town (bio dads sister) added him on FB. She says it was all down to him drinking and doing things out of character. (Mind you he'd been sober over 10 years when he perpetrated crimes against me and my former step sister) My former step sister and her mother, my fathers ex wife, haven't responded to me. My sisters eldest half sister, the most recent known victim, hasn't responded. Nobody seems willing to do a dang thing. I did hear initially from my one aunt I've grown close (somewhat) to, but that was before the interview with police and not a peep since although she's been active online so she's not off to her cottage or anything.

    So it seems that nothing will be done. No prosecutor is going to charge on one case, 23 years old, without other victims filing charges at the same time. So this man, no, this monster, CONFESSES to all of his sexual abuses in writing no less, and seems he will walk?!?! To offend again. To harm again. To destroy more lives and spirits.

    I promise I won't let this drag me into a dark place mentally/emotionally. Yet I am only human and short of any kind of super human/woman powers. Thus, today is a bad day. It hits from time to time in waves of pain and anger and frustration that he can CONFESS and continue to walk the streets. Continue to have people like my sisters mother protecting him. Not because she wants HIM protected, she is protecting herself. Selfishly, all because she cannot bring herself to admit she sold her own daughter out by standing for him in the beginning and spreading horrible lies that her daughter was setting my bio father up, had seduced him, had tricked him, etc. It's so so so so sick. This man is a chronic recidivist. This will only change if he is removed from society and incarcerated.

    It just feels so heavy on my shoulders, this entire ordeal. For it to be for nothing? Losing my sister. For nothing. The pain of sharing my story and having to be video taped and grilled? For nothing. For going through that alone and overwhelmed? For nothing. To protect others? For nothing. All of it was for nothing.

    I don't understand people. How on earth can all of these people do NOTHING? They've ALL read his confession. They know he is guaranteed conviction if/when charges are filed so long as everyone comes forward. Yet they CHOOSE nothing. I spent such a long time being understanding and compassionate about the state of emotions of especially the older victims, the elder women in my family. When I say elder, I mean because they are MY elders, my aunts. But in reality, the youngest is only 54 and oldest just over 60. These are not flailing "elderly" in a typical sense. They are in many ways in the prime of their lives. I no longer understand, I no longer can bring myself to find compassion. I can't excuse their silence at this point. I actually feel if he victimizes again, they are more to blame than this monster I share DNA with even is. They CAN stop this. They CHOOSE not to.

    I'm changing my number this week to a new unlisted number. I'm over the entire scheming, back stabbing, lying lot of them. I know I need to do this for me, it is healthy long term to cut the ties. It serves no good purpose to let this anger and disappointment control my life. I know I can that. Today isn't the day. But I'm on the path and I"m okay with that. i wouldn't be human if it didn't take time to purge the wretched feelings this is creating. It won't consume me. But for this moment? It hurts. And it hurts badly. And I'm angry and disgusted and jaded and disillusioned by people in general.

    Could just use a cyber hug if anyone managed to read through that Wendy Whiner Whine. :(
  2. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    Sending Big gentle Cyber hugs to u ! Rabbit
  3. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending many hugs and lots of strength. You're an amazing woman with great courage to come forward in an effort to protect others.
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Big hugs.
    Your part is done. Maybe in time others will follow suit, knowing you've already started the process. Praying for peace for you.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending you a big very gentle hug. I am so sorry that you are having such a bad day and that all of these women have let you and themselves down so badly. I am so very sorry.
  6. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    This day gets better and better *sarc*. My baby sister just minutes ago was added to his facebook list. She is at school so it is her mother using her cell phone to access her facebook to add, which probably means she is also the one who deleted me from my sisters list. I know that her mother is telling her that her other eldest sister, and myself are trying to talk bad about her dad and my sister doesn't have the information (or age) to make informed decisions about him, or about myself or her other sister. It hurts knowing she is being told that I was trying to cause trouble, have her taken from her mother, that her other sister set her father up, etc. It hurts a thousand times more to watch her mother facilitate contact between my sister and this monster. I feel absolutely bleeping bleeping helpless. Isolated. Hopeless. Afraid for her. This entire mess ? If nothing but pain is to come of it, I regret my sister finding me, my aunts finding me, learning I wasn't alone in my abuse, speaking to that monster for the sake of getting that written confession, going to police. Every. Single. Piece. Of. This. I try to not look back on anything in life with regret, but had I known this outcome, I'd have moved along as I was in life. Healed as best can be healed from the actual abuse, not knowing how grave a monster he is, not knowing and loving my beautiful baby sister but also not having this level of fear for her.

    Again, what the bleeping bleep is wrong with people today?
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Mattsmom}}} My God, I feel your pain in every word of your posts this morning. Praying you find peace and know that you've done what you can - for now. You never know, it could be that they are still struggling with the magnitude of what has happened and what could happen if/when they prosecute the monster. Although justified, it is a big thing for some to finally and definitively point the finger, even though they know it's the right thing to do. I feel bad for your little sister, she's basically too young to advocate for herself confidently and her mom is nuts.

    Sending you healing thoughts for peace and gratitude to yourself for your courage and strength.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I wish I had a comforting response for you. Actually I don't think one exists. I'm sorry.

    From following your posts I am guessing that the other family members fear public exposure more than they fear a repeat occurance of abuse. As a result of that may seem that it is safer to avoid you and the painful subject.

    It is my hope that the passage of time will ease the sharp edges of this issue and subsequently you will, once again, be able to reconnect with your little sister and share happy times. Hugs. DDD
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Many, many hugs.

    I think their reponses are typical fallout. Take a deep breath and move on.
    Also, call the detective and ask what the case status is.
    YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. Do not let your dysfunctional family members get to you. It's a big world out there. You can expand beyond your nuclear family and move on.
    Forget FB. Just move on with-your own contacts.
  10. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Hugs Melissa---I think often it is easier to bury the memories than relive them---I'm so sorry.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I had strongly suspected my eldest bro having been molested for many years. (he in turn did the same) During those years I had a theory on who had done the proof whatsoever, except it was pretty much the only possible person as that is where bro spent a majority of his time. My theory involved bro's best friend's dad. I didn't say a word to anyone. I had no proof. My bro just spent nearly every waking moment there from age 9 until 17 when he left home. He looked up to his best friend's dad as a father figure (according to mom) and he hated our step dad for taking our bio dad's place. A vulnerable time frame for him at 9 yrs old. The best friends dad was an upstanding citizen, pillar of the community, deacon in his church the whole deal. But I know from personal experience that monsters don't look and act like monsters.

    It was many years later my Mom called me in a state of horror. I let her go on and on for hours about how horrible it was for bro's best friend's sister to accuse her Dad of molesting her and her daughters and her granddaughter who was only 3 at the time. Family was backing the Dad up, going on and on about what a wonderful person he was ect. Mom was both shocked and appalled when I told her it didn't surprise me a bit, I think she dropped the phone when I told her I believed he'd done the same to bro. She didn't take it well. She'd let bro hang out over there thinking that since he hated and fought with step dad all the time it would at least give him a "good" father figure to look up to.

    As the case went on, and Mom gave me constant updates whether I wanted them or not, My heart went out to the woman who initially pressed charges, and to her grown daughters who stood with her. The public, nor their family was kind to them. But they refused to back down. Slowly over time as the trial date edged closer......(and this went on for many many months) other family members went to police and told their stories one by one. Eventually there was an endless parade of children, grandchildren, great grandchildren...........and friends of all of children who had lived in the neighborhoods of both the father and bro's best friend (as an adult). Seems bro's best friend had also carried on the abuse as well.

    Then I paid attention. So often these people get a slap on the hand, including my own eldest bro who only spent 2 yrs behind bars. Justice was served in this case. So many many victims.....and I'm sure many more who never came forward. Bro's childhood best friend and his father will die in prison. I can't say I'm sad about that.

    I think the woman's family were afraid to step forward until they were certain there would be a trial. While I don't think it was fair leaving them hanging until that moment, in some ways having been a victim, I can understand it.

    But if it hadn't been for the one daughter, and her daughters, being brave enough to press charges and stick to it.............who knows how many endless amounts of children would have continued to be damaged by these two men.

    I have been where you are. And sometimes doing the right thing can be the hardest thing on earth to do.

    I'm praying that other victims will take strength in your courage and come forward and help remove this monster from society.
  12. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Mattsmom, sending you many gentle hugs. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

    HD makes some very good points. I think the reason your family is avoiding you right now is that they're ashamed. Ashamed that they didn't find the strength to do what you are doing. You're showing them the way, and perhaps they're not yet strong enough to walk down this road with you. Some may gain the strength as they see you persist, others may not, but you're doing it now -- and it's hard for them to see.

    You're a very strong and courageous person -- don't let them steal any more of your spirit than they already have. You've worked too hard for too long to get your spirit back -- don't let them rob you of it again.

  13. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Lots of gentle hugs.
  14. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    *HUGS* hon, I wish there was some way I could help. My bff from back when was abused for years like that, and my half-sis was molested as a child. I've seen the lasting damage it causes and how hard it can be to speak up and say something.
  15. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    (((((Hugs)))))) I'm so sorry for your pain. Please don't second guess yourself, you got that confession and the world knows the truth. I agree with Trinity, keep away from them all, don't let them steal any more of your spirit. Your sister will grow up and see things she doesn't see now.
  16. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    THank you all. A good cry yesterday and a mope, a restive sleep, and my spirit is revived a bit today. Not going to spend a long weekend with S/O dwelling, that is my approach today anyhow. I've removed all online contact with these people and although I do expect a call today from a detective, other than that I'm going to be spending the weekend not thinking about this entire mess or the players in it. Thank you all again for allowing me to vent and whine and unload my hurting here in a place where I know you all understand. It means much!
  17. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

  18. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes, you are the one with the strength here. Someday others will find theirs, in their own time.

    Do not regret a moment you shared with your little sister. You have given her knowledge to find her strength someday - hopefully it will be just to get away from her own abusive mother and have nothing to do with that ugly man.

    You have done the right thing and don't ever doubt it. Nothing might happen this week or this year to him. But, someday he will be tried for his crimes.