Unfortunately PMS hit and sure enough like last month (though this is a little early... darn peri stuff....) I got a headache I couldn't shake all day. So I took Q to get his AVE unit and I got to do a session beside him while we were learning it again. He also had an eeg/biofeedback session. We then went to therapeutic horseback riding. After we went to my sister's house for her birthday and Q did great. First family gathering since the birthday incident (when my other sister didn't give him his gift because he was having a hard time at the restaurant at the end/transition time....then the next day she showed up at our house and gave it to him)... It was the first time in a long time he was just perfectly Q the whole night. So, School called while we were in the AVE session and I ignored them. Cant talk and disturb him, besides they were letting me do it too to try it out. Law advocate (C) called and said they want to have a big meeting with the director of sp ed and the principal... I dont know who else. I finally just asked Cindy if we can just dump the school staff and see the sp ed director since he is not going back there... I just dont think I can even face people who let someone hurt my son. I am finally past the shock and just so upset. I was actually unable to feel anything for two days and now it has really hit me hard and I dont think I have ever been so angry in my life. I had to sort through what I was feeling and imagine his going back there. I used to be afraid of what little things could go wrong but now if I imagine him there I am TERRIFIED of what will happen to him. I have worked with tough adults and kids for most of my life and I have never hurt anyone. It is all so surreal. So I imagine him in this SUN program and there is less fear but a general anxiety that he will come out much worse then he went in. I would LOVE to be wrong... and would happily eat all my words/fears for lunch if I was proven wrong. But every time I dont trust my gut I regret it.... look at where we are now... I should have pulled him a month ago and I blew it. I just dont know what to do... His neuro is going to talk to the lawyer. C wants doctor to say that it would be detrimental to Q to go back to the middle school after what happened due to his history of ptsd. (he still flinches and reacts to any sudden movements toward him and is likely what happened in part because Q has not waivered in his belief that psycho came AT him...and was angry). If so then I could get home bound until I figure something out. A friend just wrote to me and said not to do the autism school. another teacher friend just told me the same yesterday because one of my former students went there and they see NO improvement at all (he is deaf too though and I doubt they use fluent sign with him... sigh) I think I will finish the app and turn it in so I can tour and decide for myself. C says that a district just south of us has much more options. If they accept open enrollment depending on space they have taken harder cases from our home district. Our dir of sp ed , I heard, called this director and got very angry with her... for taking their bread and butter one year. but this director says that she has gone to talk to many other districts to discuss their innovative programs and they complain that the costs would be too high but she shows that they do it so not really necessary. We are talking to them on Tuesday. So even though C wants them to think the meeting on Wed will happen (she and I will meet tuesday to discuss the incident report and suspension report along with options)... but I told her I just dont want to meet with them. I dont think she fully understands that I have never felt this intensely about anything and I see no point in meeting with people who will have NO more contact with my son. I feel chest pain that goes into the right side when I think of it too much so I have had to stop several times today and just do deep breathing etc. I have had moments of upset etc... this is so totally different to me. I had no idea I could even feel like this. I know i would lose it, either just cry or scream and either way it would be dumb because all they want to do is tell me how awful my son is. I can't listen to them justify their actions when he is five feet tall and 113 lbs and both of these guys are double that at least. No way he should have a bump and a rug burn from a CPI hold... just no way. They took two days to write the report so you know they ran it by the lawyer and made it look ok no matter what really happened so it will be worthless I am sure.