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<blockquote data-quote="Allan-Matlem" data-source="post: 37776" data-attributes="member: 10"><p>Kjs,</p><p>I want to do a different 'take' on your post and suggest you follow your husband's lead. There is so much positive there ,but in my humble opinion your perception ( as I see it ) that ' doing to' your kid , the united front against your kid , enforcing consequences etc ,is that what is going to change your kid is getting in the way. A united front is important if you are in a war , but if one approaches parenting as ' working together and solving problems , everybody can be himself and make a contribution. You cannot pretend a united front , the kid will pick it up , it is not natural. </p><p>husband and easy child seem to be coping so much better. husband picks kid from school , they both come home in a happy mood , connected, bonded, husband seems to flow with his kid, they have a relationship. For me that is wonderful , husband has to take it further ann exploit the good relationship and help his kid do some problem solving , him finding ways to be more successful. Then you have your easy child offering and planning to be with difficult child, isn't that wonderful , again it is a relationship which can help difficult child open up, discuss his issues and talk about solutions. The idea is that easy child or husband don't lecture or tell difficult child what to do , but through dialog questioning , help difficult child explore the issues , reflect on his behavior and try come up with a better plan. Consequences will just reinforce his perception that your are unfair , don't understand him , and damage your relationship with him, while easy child and husband have an unconditional relationship with him which I think many would envy. Most of the husband's here , its basket A and consequences (belt). It is hard to advocate for a kid and ask for positive , working with, learning interventions from a school when one is looking to fix things through consequences. Consequences puts one in a confrontation mode , it adds stress , there is enough of it. You write in your profile husband: 53 Yrs. not much help. I suggest that you , husband , easy child listen to an interview by Myrna Shure <a href="http://thinkingchild.com" target="_blank">http://thinkingchild.com</a> , I think the positive relationship can be a springboard for helping difficult child.</p><p>A difficult child can come home after a bad incident in school and then the parent can without any blame empathize , a rough day for him, get him to talk , just validate his feelings , let him express his concerns, you express yours , define the problem , try to come up with a better plan , reflect on what happened etc. When you get a kid first on your side , then you can work with him.</p><p>The kid tells about the knife and gun problem. Why not ask him, what he would do , think about various solutions. Maybe the class could discuss conflict resolution and problem solving.</p><p>I apologize for being hard on you. I just think that by trying to change a kid by consequences we are just adding so much more stress to our lives. When we our relationship with a child the mosty important tool in helping him , things are so much more relaxed. We look for ways to help him help himself , make a change from the inside , not try and change him.</p><p>It is not easy and becoming good problem solvers takes months.</p><p></p><p>Allan</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Allan-Matlem, post: 37776, member: 10"] Kjs, I want to do a different 'take' on your post and suggest you follow your husband's lead. There is so much positive there ,but in my humble opinion your perception ( as I see it ) that ' doing to' your kid , the united front against your kid , enforcing consequences etc ,is that what is going to change your kid is getting in the way. A united front is important if you are in a war , but if one approaches parenting as ' working together and solving problems , everybody can be himself and make a contribution. You cannot pretend a united front , the kid will pick it up , it is not natural. husband and easy child seem to be coping so much better. husband picks kid from school , they both come home in a happy mood , connected, bonded, husband seems to flow with his kid, they have a relationship. For me that is wonderful , husband has to take it further ann exploit the good relationship and help his kid do some problem solving , him finding ways to be more successful. Then you have your easy child offering and planning to be with difficult child, isn't that wonderful , again it is a relationship which can help difficult child open up, discuss his issues and talk about solutions. The idea is that easy child or husband don't lecture or tell difficult child what to do , but through dialog questioning , help difficult child explore the issues , reflect on his behavior and try come up with a better plan. Consequences will just reinforce his perception that your are unfair , don't understand him , and damage your relationship with him, while easy child and husband have an unconditional relationship with him which I think many would envy. Most of the husband's here , its basket A and consequences (belt). It is hard to advocate for a kid and ask for positive , working with, learning interventions from a school when one is looking to fix things through consequences. Consequences puts one in a confrontation mode , it adds stress , there is enough of it. You write in your profile husband: 53 Yrs. not much help. I suggest that you , husband , easy child listen to an interview by Myrna Shure [url="http://thinkingchild.com"]http://thinkingchild.com[/url] , I think the positive relationship can be a springboard for helping difficult child. A difficult child can come home after a bad incident in school and then the parent can without any blame empathize , a rough day for him, get him to talk , just validate his feelings , let him express his concerns, you express yours , define the problem , try to come up with a better plan , reflect on what happened etc. When you get a kid first on your side , then you can work with him. The kid tells about the knife and gun problem. Why not ask him, what he would do , think about various solutions. Maybe the class could discuss conflict resolution and problem solving. I apologize for being hard on you. I just think that by trying to change a kid by consequences we are just adding so much more stress to our lives. When we our relationship with a child the mosty important tool in helping him , things are so much more relaxed. We look for ways to help him help himself , make a change from the inside , not try and change him. It is not easy and becoming good problem solvers takes months. Allan [/QUOTE]
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