Court in Two Hours

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by pasajes4, Feb 25, 2014.

  1. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    My son has a detention hearing this morning. He has been in juvie for two weeks pending his March 3rd hearing for probation violations. I hope they don't release him. It would be the week from hell having to deal with him for a week.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thinking of you this morning pasajes. Saying a prayer for you........
  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I am here, too.

    I'm sorry this is all so hard. I don't know how we do it.

  4. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I hope they don't release him, too. Can you say that you cannot manage him? I have some friends whose son was released to their care...they said that their jaws literally dropped open in court, and they begged the judge, said they could not manage him. The court changed the situation...I don't remember how but I do know he didn't end up living at home again.
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  5. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    I am here too. Please update us when you can. I hope you can do what Echo mentioned.
  6. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Praying for you, your family and your difficult child this morning Pas.

    Asking the court for assistance is a good idea. I guess the courts don't know what to do with them, either, and there are so many of them.

    Please let us know how things went and how YOU are. We are here for you.
  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Checking to see whether you had heard anything, yet.

  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    It was an interesting morning. The probation officer shared 2 emails from staff at juvie describing how my son was making threats against the probation officer and the judge if he were to be detained. He also tested dirty for marijuana when drug tested. He had a different judge than before and he asked me if I wanted him to come home. I said no. I don't think he would have let him come home anyway, but why ask me? The judge did not ask me why.

    My son gave the judge a letter. He read it and said that my son had made some valid points and to bring it up to the judge on Monday. I have no idea what is in the letter. I am beyond curios. I got a call from his counselor about an hour ago relaying the message that my son wants me to come visit tomorrow as he has some things he wants to talk to me about. I have a feeling it will be full of manipulation, lies, and more lies. I wish I could believe what he says, but I can't.
  9. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    pasajes, difficult child daughter was declared emancipated at 16. According to the social worker (who did the deal with husband, not me) this was done for our protection. This was in Minnesota.

    Are you going to visit your son, pasajes?

    What do you think that will be like? Can we help you rehearse for the visit, or are you alright?

  10. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I will go visit out of curiosity. I could use all the help I can get. Our "conversations" usually end badly. I am willing to listen to what he has to say. I am not willing to compromise my boundaries.
  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Pas, you might want to write down a few things you want to say, and also consider what your responses might be to things your son might say.

    Take that paper with you and reread it several times before you meet with him.

    If you get confused sitting there by things he does and says, you could take it out and review it again before you speak.

    When I am with my son, today, or talking with him by phone, my goal is to say less and listen more. Pas, you may be in a different place, but I have said it ALL, over and over and over again. There is not a whole lot left to say, for me. I want to be respectful, kind and compassionate. I don't want to blow up. I don't want to beg and plead. I don't want to be sarcastic and cynical.

    Here is my latest plan, for what it's worth. You might see something that would help you as well:

    Feb 6, 2014

    ---I am sure you will figure it out.

    ---I Love you.


    ---Good luck.

    ---I wish you the best.

    ---I don’t know.

    ---I’m sorry.

    ---I want to pause now and stop this conversation.

    ---I’m through talking for now. I wish you the best.

    ----You are right. That is what I said I would do. That was when you said you were in recovery and working a program. That has never happened, as far as I can tell.

    ---I am not participating at all with your choices and your behavior as it is right now.

    I realize your son is nearly 10 years younger than my son, and the situation may be very different. Pas, take what you like here and leave the rest. I am thinking of you and praying that good things happen for you and for him tomorrow.
  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thinking of you pasajes, sending good thoughts. I will send good vibes tomorrow morning too. Let us know how it turns out.........
  13. BackintheSaddle

    BackintheSaddle Active Member

    COM has some good ones...another one I like is 'I don't know, I'll have to think about that' the impression you're considering but also gives you an out of the conversation....good luck with all your challenges--- this is so hard -- my thoughts are with you
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Pas, I am sorry you are going through this mess. If it were me, I would probably eventually go, but not the next day when difficult child was all pumped and ready to give you the guilty commercial and not when my own emotions were still so fresh. Of course, as always, this is me, not you. Just passing along a few thoughts. When I did go, I would mostly listen, nod, say "uh huh" or "ok" even if I was listening to a bunch of insults because reasoning with them doesn't work and they don't want to hear your own thoughts. In fact, if your son is like mine, he will twist your facts to make them favorable to himself and even blame his problems on things you did ten years add in how horrible a parent you are now.

    When I visited He-Who-Left-Family the very last time, I did a lot of listening. I did not defend myself, even though he was saying really "out there", ridiculous things. I did not want to fuel his indignant fire or make his weeping wife, who obviously believed that he had been very abused and mistreated, cry any harder than she already was. I was handed a list of demands I had to meet in order to be in his life and I nodded politely at their absurdity.

    In the end, I was really glad that I hadn't engaged him and encouraged his abuse. I have two sons I would call abusive. One is He-Who-Left-Family and 36 can also be abusive. I often use the same silence with 36. I am very done being abused by my own kids. I'd rather hang out with my loving husband and my three kids who do love me. Call it selfish, but I don't believe I deserve to be abused and I won't enable abusive behavior toward me. I did it for long enough. I'm through.

    Sometimes less is more.

    Wishing you all the best thoughts in the world as well as a peaceful, serene night.
  15. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Yes, Pasajes. Keep us posted. Keep yourself in the driver's seat. I wish you could put this off for a week or so...not to play a game, but to give you more time to gather your thoughts. Will definitely keep you in my thoughts.

    Stay strong. Stay smart. Keep the course for all of your family. And, i know you will, whatever it turns out to be.
  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Pas, there is such tremendous power in silence. I am getting better at silence, but I still need more work there.

    If I can settle myself, and get clear, and then write it down and read it, I have a better chance at silence.

    And at being able to say the things I wrote to you. I like any words that buy time, like, well, I'll think about that.

    I also have repeated myself over and over with the same phrase if he persists in getting an answer he likes.

    Pas, realize this is really, really hard stuff to do. It's okay to mess up. It's okay to change your mind later, no matter what you commit to, in the heat of the moment.

    I now say: Well, I've thought about it some more, and I've changed my mind.

    I did that last week. I got confused and said I would meet my son, even though I had set a boundary about just having a phone call. After I agreed to meet him, I didn't feel good about it, even a couple of hours later. So I changed my mind. I told him that and that I wasn't ready to see him just now.

    We are just doing the very best we can, Pas, in a nearly impossible situation. You will be just fine, whatever you say and do.

    We are here for you, Pas.
  17. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your genuine support. I really needed to hear this. I went to my support group last night and got attacked by a woman who just could not understand how I could leave my sick child in the clutches of the legal system. She made me feel like crap.
  18. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    When my son was in jail his public defender called me with a lot of pressure to pay bail...said "jail is no place for anyone", couldn't believe I wouldn't consider it...and I then called an acquaintance who is also a PD--got the same from him but more so...said "unless you are prepared to totally turn your back on him, which I assume you are not..."
    That was hard.
    The forum was helpful.
    Both PD's gave bad advice.
    I paid the fines, he got out of jail, and he is back living in a crack house and under a bridge. I'm not sure he even said thank you. Definitely would have been safer in jail.
  19. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Pas, I have had both well-meaning and uninformed people, as well as people who are in such pain and denial themselves, tell me I am wrong about what I am doing.

    One of my dearest friends told me to NEVER let a public defender be in charge of my son's legal situation, no matter what, that all bad things would come from that and he would be lost. Her husband is an attorney and I am sure there are differences. But she doesn't understand detachment, tough love and recovery. She's never had to.

    Sometimes I feel (maybe I imagine) my own family members being silent when they hear the latest about my difficult child, because they just aren't sure that this type of "harsh" treatment from me/his dad is necessary and helpful. they don't say that, they have been extremely supportive, but sometimes I **think**I hear that in their silence. Perhaps I am imaging it. I can't let that deter me because I can only be concerned about what I have learned, what I believe, and what I know---just for today.

    Also my best friend, who is an enabler herself (another story), has had a hard, hard time with many of my positions about my son. She will readily say she could/would never be able to do the things I have done. And that's okay. Maybe those things would have been wrong for her.

    Others have not walked the path we have walked. And we have not actually walked each other's path, although a similar one.

    That is why we can't really give advice to other people. We can tell what we have done---our own experience---what we have learned, the mistakes we have made, the feelings we have felt---but we cannot know what another person should do or not do.

    I have learned a lot about respect during these past few years. I used to think I knew best for other people. What arrogance that was! Now, today, I know that I sometimes don't even know what is best for myself. And figuring that out every single day is a full time job.

    We who have been really good enablers are usually people pleasers as well. It's hard for us when we hear that people aren't happy with us and what we have said or done.

    As we get stronger, we can understand it for what it is. They don't know. I am glad for them that they don't know.

    We can only do what we believe is best, every day.
  20. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thinking of you Pasajes..........prayers for you............keep us posted....