court is this week and I'm scared

[kt4394]

So, we head back to court on Friday this week for the Fact Finding session. Son has not changed anything, in fact I think he's just gotten worse. I find myself grabbing onto the few and far between good moments, hoping that it's a sign that he's going to change, but then he just messes up again in the next moment. I really thought (and hoped) that we would have gotten some guidance and resources from this whole thing. I thought (and hoped) that my son would be scared into changing his ways. None of this happened.
The court referred us for son to go to a once weekly program for at-risk kids, which just started last week. When we saw his probation officer, she really didn't have much to say except that she was referring us to DCF and to call them. DCF will then decide whether he stays with us or they take custody. This whole thing is a whirlwind. I don't know how to get the services I think my son needs. He's been so out of control, but is outplacing him with DCF going to help? Some days when he is at his worst, I think maybe it's what needs to happen. Other days, I think that it would be the worst thing to happen. I don't trust DCF to give him the services he needs and don't trust the programs they offer. You hear so much in the news about the bad side of DCF - children neglected, abused, lost in the system. I don't want that to happen.
I don't know what I want to happen. I just want my son back and I don't know how. I don't understand why he doesn't care what happens. He is most likely going to be repeating 9th grade, and he could have saved himself pretty easily. He just chose not to. I just can't understand that, no matter how much I try. I don't understand why he continues to wreck his life with pot and destructive friends, knowing what could happen if he doesn't change. Again, it could have been so easy to at least make some changes, give a glimmer of hope that he was trying to do the right thing. Does he hate us and his life that much? Is it some underlying mental condition that we have missed that has made him this way and then the marijuana made it so much worse? I really feel like we have tried so much, but still have failed so badly. What else should I be doing????

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Look into Teen Challenge program, see if they would allow him to go into this program. It is faith based program, but they do change lives. Call United Way to see what services and programs are available for you and your family; counseling, therapy, medical. Has son been to a doctor to get a diagnosis at all? If not, he should. Maybe there is an underlying mental/medical issue at the root of his behavior.

 

[BusynMember]

Are you sure he is just using pot? I was too, and my daughter, who was 12 when smoking pot but she had moved beyond that at 14, had quite a lively drug kaleidoscope in her drug using days. Most we never suspected. She told us after she quit. During her drug using career, we saw two parolees and three car accidents (two were not our vehicle.. we stopped letting her drive but her not bright friends let her drive their cars. Not smart.) She looked like a scare crow. She cut herself and ditched school.

I ask because I am thinking that our drug using kids can't stop easily while still around creepy friends. They are pressured to keep using. My daughter moved to another state, then made a very conscience decision to be lonely, if necessary, but to resist making new druggie friends (because of course all states have rough kids). It worked for daughter though.

If I knew then what I know now from being here, I think we would have put our kid into rehab as soon as we knew. That would have taken her away from her lovely friends sooner and treated her problem younger and with medical help. If she refused to go, we would (and did) stop any/all money and toys and only provide the bare necessities. No electronics. No drivers ed...I'd tell her this is not an option if she is on any drugs; that even pot slows your reflexes.

This, with a back seat driver look, would probably be what I'd have done if us knew then what I know now. Those friends are the enemy and, as long as he's in school with them or able to interact with them at all, they will make it hard for him to do better unless he is very strong and confident.

I would try therapy too. But he has to want it. My daughter lied to her therapist so it didn't help. by the way, your son doesn't hate you. This is about him, not you. Kids with low self esteem are more apt to band together and do bad things, but they are also far more welcoming and inclusive than, say, the preps and other high achieving kids who are less apt to get into trouble. Your son wants acceptance and found it, but there is a price. Teens put their friends before their parents and they mostly all want a crowd of peers. This is how my daughter got into trouble. She was the new kid. Everyone ignored her. She had lunch alone. One day a few kids sat by her and befriended her. She was tickled. Only problem was, to be one of them, you couldn't be too well behaved...

I don't trust foster care farther than I can throw it. And I did foster care. I would try to avoid it.

I hope you can nip this early. It is easier to quit early on than later.

Big hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[kt4394]

Thank you. He has been seeing counselors since he was young and is diagnosed with anxiety. He just started with a new psychiatrist. He is very resistant to treatment. I think there might be some other underlying mental illness, but not diagnosed as of now. We have a pretty extensive family history, so I wonder. He has been hospitalized twice now. The first time, he didn't get a lot from, certainly a lot less than I thought he would get. It was really disappointing. The second time, he was sent because he said he was going to kill himself in front of police (which he said to get them off of him - stupid), so they had to send him for evaluation. He was in a psychiatric ward where he didn't need to be for just a few days. He was discharged, knowing that wasn't the right placement. It's so difficult to know what he needs. The first place was too laid back, so he just didn't participate and wasn't made to. The second time, he was seen by psychiatrists to evaluate suicidal ideations and he had none. He is angry. He can be rude, belligerent. The biggest problem as I see it is the pot. I don't know for sure if he is doing anything else. He was drug tested by the courts and it showed pot and benzos. The problem with the positive benzo test is that he takes Zoloft for anixety and that shows up as a benzo, so now we're left to wonder. I'm pretty sure he is drinking, too. I just don't know how to stop it. I don't know how to get him away from his friends. There is no relative I can send him to live with (and I don't know that I would do that to anyone else). We can't move. My biggest hope is that we get him a neuropsychologist test soon and get him on an IEP and can get him outplaced from his present school. But, I know it's going to be a battle. And, the school year is just about over. Then, it's summer. I don't even want to think about that. I'm seriously worried. I can't imagine things getting any better with no school. That is something that I am going to really push with getting resources from the courts. We filed a CRA (Child Requiring Assistance). We need assistance. ARGH!!!

 

[BusynMember]

I never heard of an antidepressant showing up as a benzo. I take one of both and when I had a recent bad car crash (think I fell asleep..nobody elsebinvolved) they drug tested me. A very low dose of benzoyl showed up. The antidepressant did not. Hmmmm...could have added to the benzoyl dose, but it was a LOW dose and I take my brnzo every night....interesting.

Having said that, many drugs don't show up in the tests and users know which drugs they are. Be on guard, even if you see over the counter drugs. Honestly, my daughter abused those too.

 

[Praecepta]

I've heard that the bad things you hear about foster care are when a kid is placed with a family member of the biological family. But that overall non-biological family member foster parents are pretty good so far as taking care of the kids. This may offer you a bit of hope!

 

[RN0441]

KT
Your dilemma sounds just like mine when my son was 15. I hope and pray you don't have to go through what we did.

I too could not understand for the life of me, why he didn't care about anything that was going on that was due to his behavior. He had been such a cautious child and so sensible. I don't know why it all changed.

My son is almost 21 and finally starting to care - just a little bit. I am just glad he is now on his own - but we help him. He is in sober living. I don't know how this is all going to turn out. We do help him financially though. I am still afraid of his choices - will he make the right ones?

I know you are looking for advice and answers. All I can tell you from looking back on my own experience is that I really don't know what we did that did or did not help. Sometimes I think nothing you say or do makes a difference when they are in that zone they are in. I still don't know what made my son that way or why he isn't like our other two boys that did what normal kids do. The best thing you can do is keep yourself sane. Really that is it.

Stay on this forum. You will learn so much from forum and those on here that have lived it. It has helped me more than anything else I tried to do.