Court today

[wantpeace]

Well, my difficult child had his court hearing for possession of THC and bailjumping. He pled guilty. The judge and DA were very nice and let me speak in court. The judge explained to my difficult child that he's not the usual type that he sees in court - no tatoos, piercings, clean cut, very intelligent, supportive parent... He then gave him 18 months of probation with mandatory drug testing, no contact with a couple kids he was hanging around with when he got in trouble... I guess the positive was that he offered to expunge everything from difficult child's record if he stays out of trouble until he's 21. Then we got the bombshell that the lawyer said wouldn't happen - jail time. With time served and good behavior, he only has 12 days. It was unexpected, but difficult child handled it well, hugged me, and left. My gut feeling was that the judge knows difficult child has a lot of potential and wants the jail experience to be fresh in his mind when he starts probation. I left feeling some relief to be honest, but now the dread of feeling like it'll be my job to keep him out of trouble for the next 18 months is setting in. I feel in my heart that I've done everything I could with treatment and counseling, so it's time to let go and let God. Boy do I struggle with that.

I feel myself isolating from my friends and family. I'm dating a wonderful man who really cares about my children and me, but I'm even shutting him out. I want to be my bubbly, hopeful self again, but the crashes have been so painful. I pray that one day very soon we will all find the peace and serenity we deserve.

Hugs,
wantpeace

 

[recoveringenabler]

Well, you have 12 days of freedom right now, those 18 months aren't here yet, perhaps try to force yourself to get out of isolation mode and have the next 12 days to yourself with your SO, take all the difficult child-free moments you can get and ENJOY them. Tell your SO you're isolating and you need support to find your way back. Telling on ourselves breaks the spell of stuckness. You might have support from your new man during the 18 months which will make that whole experience so much easier for you. My SO has made raising my granddaughter a piece of cake compared to when it was just me, it's night and day. Just to have someone to talk to about parenting is worth it's weight in gold. Sometimes it's so hard with our kids, it's hard to look at the bright side, to see what we're grateful for, to understand another way other then the difficult child way, but we have to force ourselves out of the despair and live life, allow the serenity when you can and be grateful for the next 12 days, it's a gift right now. Come back to life....there are many waiting for you..........Hugs.............

 

[Signorina]

Good luck in your search for some peace and serenity. For now, you probably feel very drained ...but you've been anticipating this day for so long; and I think getting through the next 12 days and then the first month of your difficult child's probation will have you well on your way to feeling like yourself again. The "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling will go away.

Glad court went well

 

[pinevalley]

It sounds like you found a judge who wanted to be fair to your difficult child, which is usually not the case in the court system. I'm really glad that everything went well in court today. These next 12 days will go by very fast, so try to enjoy your peaceful house without your difficult child. I know how easy it is to isolate yourself, because I have been doing the same thing with my friends. I don't think that my friends who are busy with easy child teens can really understand the issues of drug addiction and crimes that we have with my son. I have found my FA group to be a real lifeline for me, because these people totally understand what i am going through, and I can talk about my concerns at the meetings. I hope that you have found a support group or a therapist who you can trust and feel comfortable with. And I hope that you can do something fun with your SO during the next 12 days.

 

[AmericanGirl]

Wantpeace,

I hope you can use this time for yourself....rest, recenter, etc.

It is so hard to think of your child in jail. Yet, at least they are safe. I am praying the judge's instincts were right and your son stays on the right path.

 

[Calamity Jane]

Hi,
Sometimes, I think the isolation is partially to recharge our battery after the whirlwind of stress and negativity. That's perfectly fine for a while, but then you really need to go out, breathe, walk, see a movie, ride a bike, and just talk with a friend. Catch up on sleep. Your SO sounds very supportive, and that's wonderful, you're lucky. Treasure it, because life is short.
Now, about keeping your son on track when he gets out...you can only do so much. Remember, he is responsible for his actions, not you, so if he hasn't learned that lesson by now (you're not in jail with him, right? The judge didn't sentence you!) then when will he learn? Think positive, be encouraging, but he's a separate being from you, and he has to live with his choices, good and bad, just like everyone else. He's smart, I'm sure he has learned his lesson.
The hardest thing for difficult children coming out of these situations is the isolation from their former peer group. If they want to stay straight, they are going to have to deal with being alone most of the time in the beginning. From my difficult child's perspective, all his "good friends" know about his bad reputation, and they've moved on, although he's trying so hard to change. The "bad friends" are his only lifeline to peer interaction in this town, and hanging out with them will get him in trouble. So he has to be strong, deal with the boredom and isolation, and move beyond it to healthy relationships. This is what my difficult child is working on right now. It's so hard...he can't wait to go back to school in another city because there's literally NOTHING left for him here, except the friendship of troubled kids. A negative reputation, and 4 years of bad choices leave little options for hanging out with easy child friends from the past. So he's in sort of a "jail" right now, too, and I wonder if the other shoe is going to drop. If your son could line up a really good therapist and a job/school when he gets out, that would be great to keep him busy and future-focused.

 

[AmericanGirl]

Wow CJ.....AWESOME post....I needed to hear this. thank you

 

[DDD]

I'm so very happy that you had a Judge who realized that your son is at a crossroad of extreme importance. He does have a chance for a better future although it will likely be just as CJ described (that's what it was for us, by the way, and our difficult child could not survive with-o friends). Sigh!

Chances are you are wise enough to know this but it is very easy to "do the time" with your difficult child when probation is the court decision. Try your best to get psyched to leave it to difficult child. If I had a dollar for every time I watched the clock hoping curfew would be met, every time I sweated out the impromptu drug tests, every time I tossed and turned in fear that he had gone out to meet friends etc. etc. I would have retired years ago.

Many of us have sadly been there done that. It is easy to fall into the groove of not socializing, not smiling, laughing, singing and just plain having the fun you are entitled to. I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs DDD