Court tomorrow...have to talk to him tonight

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, Feb 10, 2015.

  1. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I was going to wait and post tomorrow...and I probably will tomorrow...but the nerves and setting in now.

    I got permission to represent our son in municipal court on his shoplifting charge from my boss and sent an entry to the court. The clerk told me that automatically would move the date back a month, but my plan is to see if the PA will talk to me tomorrow. The problem with city prosecutors is you only get about an hour a month when they are available for lawyers and defendants to talk to them...literally. If he's too busy tomorrow or if he just wants time to look over the file, then nothing will happen tomorrow and we'll try again in a month. If not...well then Court is at 1:30. Really, I'm expecting that it will be March that we'll get this done.

    So...I texted my son that I wanted to speak with him privately at his apartment after work today. The fact is, we haven't really spoken in a couple weeks...not about anything important.

    I'm nervous.

    I can't believe that going to see my own child is making me this nervous! I gave birth to him. I wiped his snotty nose and dirty butt! There is nothing about him that should make me nervous! I guess I just...don't want to see him. That makes me so sad. But Jabber and I have had a really nice couple of uneventful weeks and being involved again will mess with that. I think the nerves are simply a function of not wanting the drama that could result by being in his presence. Wow. That's just so wrong to feel that way.

    And there's the fact that seeing him will just remind me of how he hasn't tried to change anything since we kicked him out in October. He's still just drifting along. I thought kicking him out might actually force him to grow up.

    There I go with expectations and disappointments.

    I actually wrote up a waiver for my son to sign wherein he states he understands that I'm not a criminal defense attorney, that I plan to get him a plea agreement and if he gets probation and screws up he could go to jail and it's his sole responsibility to pay any fines and court costs...and that I'm only doing this much because I'm his mother.

    And that he waives any malpractice claims now or in the future. How sad is it that I feel like I have to do that?
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Not sad. Logical.
    You are going above and beyond to represent him to begin with. I am amazed.
    Let us know what happens.
  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    I hope things go okay Lil. Praying for you all.
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  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Can you believe he was "busy" and wanted me to come later than after work? I told him I don't work on his time table anymore and we'd just talk tomorrow between noon and 1:30. Unfreakingbelievable.
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  5. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Thinking about you, Lil.

    My brother is a attorney and tried to help Difficult Son in court - twice. Neither time was our son very receptive. Brother showed up two times, did what he could, with no thanks from our son....and our son did not build on what my brother did for him. My brother did this out of the goodness of his heart; husband and I never asked him to (though we were grateful).

    So, I am thinking along the lines of: If your son is ready for your help, he will work with you. If he is not ready to move forward with positive changes, he will not.

    Another one of the disclaimers we see so often on the forum...this is just reminiscing on my experience and may mean nothing for your case, nor for anybody else.
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Wow...just wow. Too busy.

    Unbelievable. But yet, so predictable.

    My first thought was, I can't believe it. But then reality set in.

    Our girlfriend g would have done the same thing, been too 'busy' to deal with something like this--in fact, he was always too busy to deal with the important stuff. He would just blow it off.


    Yeah, but this is his LIFE we are talking about. And right now, this should be the most important thing in your son's life.

    He should be worried sick.

    He should be calling YOU about this.

    He should involve himself in every step of the process.

    It never fails to amaze me, though. They are so predictable.
  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I am so glad you decided to represent him. We always have to do the best we know until we know the best thing is to choose not to help.

    This is going to be a deal breaker, Lil. You will come away seeing your son in a very different way than you will see him as you enter the courtroom.

    This is a gift.

    You will come away stronger.

    So...when you reach into your purse for a kleenex? You will hear all of us in there, all going vicariously to court to support you through it, all of us tucked into the right bottom corner of your purse. I think one of us even brought a trombone....

    Well, that accounts for the music, then.

    Who brought the hot chocolate?


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  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member


    So, that was uneventful. I got up, had some breakfast, walked the dogs, got showered and dressed. The nerves pretty much went away after a few deep breaths and a stern self-talking to. "You've been in a court hundreds of times. You've dealt with far worse than a municipal shoplifting charge. You've talked to prosecutors you don't know before. What's the difference? Normally you don't actually care about your client. So...he's your client. Just call him your client. You can do this!" And by the time the pantyhose went on I felt like a lawyer again. (I may be an attorney, but I haven't been a go-to-court-and-represent-a-client lawyer in 20 years. I'm more like a judge, only my judgments are for an administrative agency and the trials are over the phone 90% of the time. It's been 20+ years since I had a client.)

    Anyway, I get there, get the file (which had indeed been pulled to continue to March) and sat for a while waiting for an opening to talk to the PA. A smile, a short conversation, and he offered a suspended imposition of sentence and 40 hours of community service. It's an incredibly good deal. I put it off to March so he has time to (hopefully) get a new job and and the money for the c.s. fees and court costs.

    Talked to my son after. I made him sign my document. He didn't complain in the slightest. His friend apparently entered a not-guilty plea to delay things. I'm going to suggest to him he talk to the PA himself next month. I won't do it.

    I told my son I will not under any circumstances do this again. He said, "You won't have to. I'll never get arrested again." I told him I hoped not. That this was not who we raised him to be and it was time he start behaving like the person we raised. I told him I'm trying to stay out of his business...but he needs to take care of business. We talked a bit about unimportant things. At the end he thanked me and told me he knew I hadn't wanted to do this. I told him no, I hadn't wanted him to ever do anything to ever make it necessary.

    So now I'm home, having a bit of coffee (and brandy) and I think I may need something to eat. But I'm calm.

    I'm okay.
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  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I think I am starting to see him differently. I can't really explain it. When I started posting on this forum he was my lost child. He needed my help. He needed fixed.

    I still think he's lost and kind of ... drifting. I still think he needs direction. But I know he has to fix himself. I told him and I meant it, he's been given everything he needs to succeed. He just has to take the opportunity. That's up to him.

    And thank you all for your support...I didn't need the tissue until after court was over and I was talking to him...but it was so nice to know you were in my corner.
  10. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Yes, we were there in spirit and intent, Lil.



    It's a journey. You were there for yourself as much as for your son. It happens to me that I fall apart once it is safe to do so. For me, it is best to honor the pain and confusion and hurt when that happens. There are so many levels to what each of us goes through, internal confrontations never brought fully to consciousness. Treat yourself gently now. It helps me sometimes to step outside in my nightgown and watch the stars for a minute. Me, and all the moms throughout time who have ever looked up at those same stars and made a wish, or hoped for strength.

    Or sneaked a quick cigarette.

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  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    LOL...Oh don't think I haven't wondered why I quit smoking. :p Today I am allowing myself the luxury of not counting calories. ;)
  12. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Good job Lil
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Eventually our kid's behaviors get old. I felt the same way...lost child. My foot.

    Good work! You now can say, "I did it all. It's up to him." He has advantages most kids in this country don't have and it is up to him to use them. I hope he does!!!! something really terrific and have a blast!
  14. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I feel you are doing what you need to do to feel good about yourself! You have done some hard work here and you are now aware of what trips you up. I am hoping that things go easy for your son.
  15. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Lil, I am just getting caught up on this thread. I think you did a great job. I am hoping this will be a new start for him.
  16. Estranged2015

    Estranged2015 New Member

    Yes, we were all there thinking of you. You did something wonderful for your son. It's up to him now. Hope you can get some rest.
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  17. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Bravo Lil. You are showing him how much you care about him and that you are doing all you can for him.
    Only time will tell how he does but you will know in your heart that you did everything you could to help him.
    Keeping good thoughts for you.
  18. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think that I would have been happier if he had said "I'll never steal or break the law again."

  19. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    LOL That was EXACTLY what Jabber said!

    For my own peace of mind I'm going to assume that was what he meant.
  20. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    That or just not care one way or another what he meant. He may or may not keep his word. You will keep yours, though. That's what's important. You've set a rule - a reasonable rule. "You won't represent him again." That doesn't mean you don't love him or that there aren't other more reasonable things that you might do for him. But if he's in court again he's on his own to fund representation. I think it's a good start on a journey back to some sort of relationship with him where he's not manipulating you.