Court update

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Jan 6, 2009.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hello all. We had court today. I left a message on my other thread about this morning. I went to court only to sit there for 4 hours for nothing, my daughter did not get brought into the courthouse until 3:30pm. I should have been on the darn payroll!!!

    I didn't even get to see my daughter. She was having a fit in the holding cell so her lawyer waived her appearance as he didn't want her to make a scene and humiliate herself. Which was good. I would feel horrible for her had she come into court freaking out. She was probably angry that she had to stay in the holding cell all day long. She is usually seen in the morning but the legal aid lawyers don't come to court until after 2 pm on Tuesdays. So, I spoke to the lawyer, a new one, very nice guy, he said that he was going to request a two week adjournment, she would go back to jail in the meantime. I was sad but relieved. They have something new in my county, a new court. Just opened a few months ago. It's designed for younger people, late teens - 21. They want to transfer her case over to that court so that they can help her not just punish her. We are so lucky, our town has been so good to us. They really want to see my daughter succeed. I am so grateful, I am going to write a letter to the DA and thank him for the empathy that him and the court system has shown my daughter. They could so easily just sentence her to some time and send her on her merry way. I'm sure their motives are also to protect society and cost reduction for the long term. But whatever the motive, it is just one more step taken to treat my daughter not punish her. So she will spend the next two weeks in jail. Her lawyer said that he would call me and let me know the details and the new court address and date. The one thing that does stink is that she has a new lawyer each time we go to court. But I guess beggars can't be choosers hu?

    She is probably freaking out right this very minute. She was under the impression that she would be coming home today. I knew she wouldn't be. I feel badly for her but at the same time I feel relief. I love her but do not want to live with her. I am hoping this new court will mandate her to some sort of independent living facility or group home that includes mandatory mental health treatment. I will discuss that with her lawyer, if and when I hear from him. In any event I will give this information to my sw and see if she can make some headway as to what will happen from here on out.

    I can't wait to get the phone call!!!! NOT!!! She will be calling me shortly to vent. She will be even more upset when she realizes there is only $3.00 on the account so she won't be able to say too much. That works out well for me as I do not want to hear it!!! She will have to wait until Friday to call again as I am not putting any money on the phone account until then.

    So - that is our update. I am very pleased with what the court is doing for us. I am also very pleased that my daughter was not released. She needs this. This is the reality of her choices. Hopefully she is learning something, anything, the smallest of lessons, from this!!!

    Shawna :)
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You could always just not answer when she calls. You don't have to be available for her vent.
  3. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    Take some time to yourself this evening and relax. Grab a glass of wine (or whatever) and sink into a nice warm tub. Let it all out. Then snuggle with- your son and just "be". Sometimes thinking about the future can stress you out too much. ((HUGS))
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    If she's beginning to wise up, she might not even call, especially if her lawyer tells her he's spoken to you and you were there. A wiser kid would figure, "Mum already knows, I can save my $3 for a more necessary call."

    I'm sorry you went through such a long wait. Bureaucracy is very frustrating. I'm sure someone could have told you how long it would be, but I think they get jaded in such a job. Plus, ther could always be that one day when everything runs smoothly, someone turns up early, and it all gets rushed forward while you're still out getting your coffee.

    I hate the security hassles you have to go through, to get into court. It's been a long time, I went to court to support a local teacher, back when easy child was 8 years old. The teacher had been charged with assaulting a student because he spanked the boy at school (when spanking by teachers was still permitted although it was a grey area) and also he spanked his prospective stepson after the mother had told him, within hearing of the principal, to discipline her unruly child at school if necessary rather than wait until they got home. And she only brought the charges when he (the teacher) broke off his relationship with her. Mind you, he was one sick puppy who had a habit of getting romatically involved with the mothers of his students, and then breaking up with them just as things seemed to be going well. But I was horrified at the security gauntlet we had to go through, to get into court. This was Family Court, not the main criminal court (although in this case it was acting as Criminal Court). But there had been a spate of bombings and attacks directed at Family Court judges and so I had to surrender my embroidery scissors but for some reason not my crochet hook. I sat and did my crochet while we waited. And waited. Although the court staff were courteous to us, they never told us anything useful (such as how much longer we'd have to wait). Oone of them DID show us, when we asked, how to read the list to see when someone was schedule to appear.

    I know this seems off topic - all I'm trying to say, is find a hobby to keep you occupied while you wait, but make sure it's something that won't be grestly inconvenieced by such security measures. Maybe knitting with rocket needles (check what implements are permitted) or my current 'vice', Sudoku. But if you're donig anything which involves writing, make sure your pencil doesn't breach security - some pacer pencils could make rather lethal weapons. Then again, some of my readers reckon what I write can be pretty lethal too.

    I'm sorry you had to go through this ordeal. It's going to happen like this, one way or another, again and again. It's horrible to be treated as if you have absolutely zero significance; or worse, as if you are the bad parent at fauly, and tey look at you like you're something unpleasant they have to scrape off their shoe.

    Keep your head up high, be polite and pleasant to everybody even if they're being condescending. I actually use places like this as good practice, I like to challenge myself to make the grumpiest person smile in spite of themselves. I find I feel less intimidated by such people, if I try this.

  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm so glad to hear that there might be a program for your daughter. At least they do understand that young adults may just be misguided rather than hardened and your county is trying to keep them that way.

    Sounds like she has a pretty decent attorney. Good that he kept her from appearing before the judge in an aggitated state. That is not something most judge's have a lot of sympathy for, especially if she's the type to get loud and belligerent.

    As was said, you don't have to answer the phone if she's venting. I know when my daughter was at her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) when she started getting rude, I would simply hang up and not take any calls until one of her advisers told me it was "safe."

    Do remember to take care of yourself in all of this. Enjoy your son and the lack of daily drama. HUGS!
  6. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Bran155...steady does it. This has been such an emotional journey for you and it is a releif that she is relatively safe and at least you know where she is. Hopefully as time goes by she will conect with someone who will catch her in a moment where
    she takes a baby step toward the dull ordinary everday mundane where all the rest of us muttle along.
    I hope you take this time to relax and enjoy the rest and your family for a change. If you can just save some money and go to see her for a short talk. Let her know that you will spend a little time each week to check in with her but that she needs to take areality check and take responcibility for her choice to
    break laws and violate people including herself.
    I say that inorder to abuse another the abuser first abuses their own mind first.
    When thinking toxic thoughts or saying toxic things an abuser "hears" the abuse loudest first. Then the abuser reaches out into the world to abuse others.
    TEll your daughter to think and be kind to herself and to look to her best thoughts to find a solution she and others can live with.
    I do not think that it is senciblefor you to send much money to let your daughter rage at you on the phone. I think that this is an oppertunity for you to make it clear that she is not recieving attention to her abuse beacuse you feel guilty that she has a mental illness. You are not a pay point for her emotional self endulgences. ANd manic type behavoir IS self endulgent. Every time. It is delicious and the manic person is HIGH on it. Emotional sobriety is emotional delicousness on its own. And YOU,parent, deserve a dose of peace and quiet.
    HOt tub, massage, down time....relaxed non-thinking.
    No more toxicalling. No just say no. NO. lovely word. NO. TAlk to your lawyer.
    I will see you _____ and____ and in court if you control yourself and go in.
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Shawna that's good news. Sad nothing will get done for two weeks, yet meanwhile at least she'll be contained and safe.

    (((hugs))) keep hanging in.
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I hope our court system starts a program for 18-21 year olds. They are considered adults but they cannot drink. So when they drink they go to the court system who treats them like those who can drink are treated. Not that I think drinking is OK at that age, I definitely don't. But at 18 these kids are still not adults and they still need help. I'm glad you are in that system.

    Hopefully she will realize that if she continues to act out she may be sitting there for a much longer time.

    Last edited: Jan 7, 2009
  9. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Shawna, sounds like the day went well overall. Glad to hear the court's working to find her some help.
  10. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thanks guys. I am a little worried as I have not heard from my daughter. She has not tried to call. That is not like her. She would most definitely call me to vent (putting it nicely) about what happened or what didn't happen in court yesterday. I am a nervous wreck now because I was watching my local news last night and saw something that happened 2 years ago at the jail that my daughter is in now. Actually it happened exactly where she is, in the psychiatric ward. It was on the news last night because the guy, the CO was sentenced this week. Oh, maybe I should tell you what I am talking about - duh!!!! 2 years ago a CO beat a mentally ill inmate to death!!!! I am not only scared for my daughter's safety, I am OUTRAGED and MAD AS HELL!!!!! How dare this a*****e do that to any inmate, let alone an ill person. I want to rip this guys eyes out!!!! Prisoner or not, he was a human being, someone loved him and he did not deserve to be beaten to death!!!!! UUUUURRRRGGGHHH!!!!

    Anyway, I am hoping that my daughter just got into trouble and could not use the phone. I am going to call to speak to the psychologist tomorrow to make sure she is doing okay and to talk about her medications. Maybe she was so upset over what happened in court that she was out of control and had to be put into lock up??? I don't know. I just know that she would normally call me and give me hell.

    This worry never goes away hu? :(
  11. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    That system sounds wonderful. Many times nobody is willing to help when that is what they need.

    So glad she is safe.
  12. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I just called the jail. As I stated below I am a nervous wreck. She has not tried to call me. She actually will not be able to get through as there is not enough money on her phone account to make a call but she has not even attempted it. Not like her. So, I spoke to someone in the Jail Supervisor's office and asked if my daughter was okay. The woman told me that she is not allowed to give that sort of information out. I asked her, since my daughter is under 18 if something was wrong would I be notified and she said yes. Okay, so I feel a little better. Not that I actually want to talk to my daughter, I don't. I don't want to hear it. I just want to know that she is safe and physically okay.

    Worry, worry and more worry. It never ends!!!
  13. Lost_in_BC

    Lost_in_BC New Member

    I feel for you. I have read very little of what you are going through but I know I would be a mess. Just know that there are lots of ppl here for you. Maybe your daughter doesn't want to upset you more than she knows she already has. You have the piece of mind now that they will call if needed. Take so YOU time and TRY to relax.

  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Shawna, thank you for the update.
    So sorry you had to sit through court like that, but that's the way court is sometimes.
    I would have been a nervous wreck, too, with-o a phonecall.
    I like the way you rephrased the question for the woman who was playing games with-you. Sheesh. The girl is under 18 and you are her mother!
    Try to use this time to rest and detach. I know it is hard. She has put you through a lot, but now she is putting herself through a lot.
    You will make it through.
  15. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thank you Terry, BC and kjs. I am trying to relax. I am just so used to being frantic and completely stressed out. I am in unfamiliar territory. Don't get me wrong, I am LOVING it, just need to get used to having all of this free space in my brain. lol

    I hope you guys are doing well. :)