cps at my door

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Jan 7, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    yup that's how i woke up today the door bell ringing dog barking and cps at my door after being up till 4:30 due to difficult child not sleeping.

    claiming they got a "call" that my child isn't going to school, there might be some "trip" coming up for her to go to a hospital.

    i flipped out, yup i did. told her to get off my property she than asked where is she? i said sleeping, she said can i just look at her?

    WOW!!! I told her you have got to be kidding me i get this is just your job, yet your knocking on the wrong door and there are certain calls that you shouldnt' even bother wasting tax payers dollars to investigate.

    she said well i want to know what's been going on since sept. with her. i said well maybe you should call back whomever placed the call and ask them.

    by the way, last night husband's ex wife placed a horrible message on his facebook page stating how he should leave me etc. i was floored. totally out of the blue after going to her house to drop off my step daughter's shot that husband left here yesterday (she takes hormones daily for turners') and i dropped off gifts for kids and said my good bye's the little one cried at door.

    this woman hates me this much. husband said she wouldnt' do that. i said after all shes' done in 4 years your going to mutter those words? i said whomever did it knows we are heading to oregon, knows she's gotten home tutors and i have no friends in this neighborhood or enemies.

    i told him when i get back we MOVE thats' it, had enough I want out

    so ****** and now they'll write a horrible report ofcourse
  2. Mamaof5

    Mamaof5 Guest

    Under the constitution you don't have to 1. let them in without a warrant, 2. even speak to them or 3. let them see your kid at all without parental presence or at all in the first place. They need a warrant to walk in your house. The first thing you do is "SHUT UP" as most of the advocates say. Say nothing outside of the line of questioning, say nothing at all but "I'd like to co-operate with you amicably but not without a warrant and not without my lawyer".

    At least that's what's reccommended. Me, if I have nothing to hide, I don't hide. Out of the 5 calls I've had to deal with with our version of CPS (CAS), 4 were spite calls. Yup, one was legit. I asked for voluntary help and kingship care in 2005 (only had three at the time, found out I was pregnant with the fourth during the 20 months they were involved voluntarily). Now I'm on their radar, I've had evil sister in law call and make a false report to try and keep us from moving up north (she'll vehemently deny this but her behaviors and what was said in the report lead to her).

    Another thing I'd do if I were is to document it all, get all copies of medical records in hand and document every face to face, email or phone call or visit with CPS. Send a registered mail letter outlining the visit, email, phone call or face to face meeting to the worker and their supervisor and CC the director so that your side of the case is well documented as well. Sign nothing and have them do everything in writing as well as verbally. I'd even suggest checking on your laws in your state (and Oregon's as well) about one party knowledge voice\video recording. If they have a by law that says you can do this without telling them - do so. if you have to tell them a red flag should shoot out if they refuse recording the meeting or anything.

    I'm not for scrapping CPS\CAS but I am for informed, accountable and responsible child welfare. Here in Ontario we are the only province without Ombudsman oversight of the CAS which is a private corporation that has to follow both the CFSA and Corporations Act. We've had problems with most of the 53 CAS offices across province with misappropriated funds, strong arm tactics and lact of transparency and accountability. It sucks but reform is coming soon too, the Ombudsman (Andre Marin) will soon have jurisdiction over them along with senior homes, hospitals and schools\school boards.
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I'd call the office and ask for a supervisor. Explain the situation, and ask why CPS was called in the first place (not who, they don't have to tell you that). 1. difficult child is not going to school, because she is ill. 2. You are doing everything you can as a responsible parent to get the illness treated first. 3. This has resulted in your finally having to commit to a trip out of state to get help. And - I agree with the recording. Here, as long as one party knows, it's all good.

    As for XW - ignore her. She's unhappy, and she wants everyone else to be unhappy too. And honestly? You have too much to deal with, to even let her register. She's going to try and try and try to do everything to make your husband miserable (at one point, BM told both kids that I was divorcing my husband because I was tired of putting up with his koi, and that she overheard me telling a friend of mine this - the whole thing was a lie, designed to make the kids see their Dad in a bad light, and to cause trouble between me and husband).

    And - HUGS!
  4. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    What about getting a letter from your pediatician, stating that your daughter is sick, that she is too sick to attend school at present, that you have sought care for her regionally but that you need a more intensive program, hence he has recommended that you go to Oregon and that he has monitoring the condition of your daugher (weekly?) for the last few months. Or something to that effect. Might be good to have to take with you to Oregon.

    Even though you have reason to be angry not much to be gained going down that path as others have said and not much to be gained getting CPS angry.
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    lol i agree i've just had it. I'm usually super calm, polite etc. yet that Mom checked out about a week ago now :)

    I emailed school, district regarding difficult child's annual review they scheduled while we'll be in another state, i emailed cps and called, contacted hospital in oregon to have them send both the pyscho school and cps a letter confirming our date of arrival there. so i did my damage control.

    i really have to make some hard decisions i think while i'm away and working with-difficult child to get better. she'll be my concern yet in my free time i think i need to sit down and really think about how i want to proceed with our life on my return. the stress level here is too much. His ex is out of control and it'll probably never stop, his oldest daughter also, his family. it's just too much. ya know
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I think you handled it very well.

    Be aware that if/when she attends school, they may show up there to "interview" her. Make sure the school knows and difficult child knows that she is not to be interviewed without your attorney present. And that the school may not confirm or deny that she is a student there and whether or not she is in attendance unless they have a warrant compelling them to do so.

    In the meantime, I would get a letter from the various doctors stating that she is not to go to school pending medical treatment which will be received at an out of state location.
  7. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I hear you! Thing is, you have to let it roll off. You cannot control her. She does it for the reaction. No reaction? Will make her upset - but you will be serene, calm. BM still does outrageous koi, like when Jett returned the other night and called husband by his name - BM told him he is not allowed to call husband "Daddy" any more (again) - OMG! Yeah, he's back to Daddy. But you know what? The kids pick up on the stress. So I just sat down with Jett and explained - he has two Moms and two Dads, but Mommy (BM) is primary, as is Daddy (husband). Me and (creep, but I don't call him that to Jett), well, we're extra. Twofers. But seriously. I digress - unless she is directly, and I mean directly not through kids - attacking you? Detach from her, too. As for husband - "she wouldn't do anything like that" - is it not RIGHT THERE ON HIS FB PAGE? Sigh. Ostrich syndrome.

    And hugs - been there done that - still there - it hoovers. But it's life.
  8. Jena

    Jena New Member

    you are a good person lol. i've done the roll off thing somewhat in regards to not contacting her directly and turning the other cheek thing for past 4 years. yet it's really hard i'm super reactive as of late as you can see. it's so hard each time the kids come and they start off treating me badly than i talk to them reground them and their ok. due to what mom says. than the texts he'll get from her, calls at odd times, etc. it's his fault also. he's generally a nice guy, yet as of late we've both said some horrible things to each other.

    so, he'll take the calls answer her etc. not thinking anything of it. i tried to tell him when you do that you green light her for future bad behaviors. it's like degrees of seperation with the two of them since day 1. i chose this life i get i did this. yet in all honesty the facebook thing was the clincher for me. for all to see ona social network? sheesh. what was she thinking? after i drop a kids shot, give them gifts hugs. her jealousy is way outta control.

    i just don't know if i want to live my life this way. we live only 5 minutes from her which doesnt' help either.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tip....go on his facebook and delete her comment. It will delete it from her page too. I found this out the hard way when I made a snide comment to my daughter in law...lol.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    In NY it is illegal to record a conversation to which you are not a party. IF you are one of the parties in the conversation you have EVERY right to record the conversation and DO NOT have to tell the other party or parties. Here is a website with the laws for NY: http://www.rcfp.org/taping/states/newyork.html

    In Oregon it is the same - penalties are different as are court cases on the subject - and it is illegal for a third party to obtain recordings/transcripts of a conversation over radio or phone that they are not a party to with-o the permission of one of the parties.

    Record any/all interactions. Do try to keep your temper. Call and explain that you were sleep deprived because part of your daughter's ILLNESS has her up most of the night and requiring your awake presence. Let them know that she has been under a doctors care for MONTHS, that in state (or in area) hospitalization has been attempted and has failed and traumatized her horribly. This is why you are accepting the recommendation of the doctors and taking her across the entire NATION to a specialized treatment program for her life threatening eating disorder - let them know that this is not the common anorexia or bulimia but a vastly more complicated eating disorder which CANNOT be treated by any of the doctors in your area.

    Be calm, if possible notify them in writing. Even better, consult your attorney or call legal aid. CPS has a responsibility to investigate in cases where a child is withdrawn from school due to illness if the school suspects problems (presence of tutors should show that she is in no way neglected - not medically, educationally, or in any other way.

    If husband's ex has made the report she is shooting herself in the foot. Spite reports, such as this which may have been done because your husband wanted to refinance property she owns jointly with him, make CPS view the reporter VERY negatively - esp if they are asked to consult on later custody issues. I know people who have experienced this here and in OH.

    Whatever you do, work to not "flip" or lose your temper at the investigators. Be calm and insist on your attorney's presence. I would NOT let them talk to your child with-o you. When they were investigating us because Wiz' abuse of Jessie we made the mistake of letting the SW speak to her with-o us. Thankfully the principal insisted on being there and made the woman stop when she went to far. That sw actually convinced Jessie that she "deserved" to have her older brother wake her up in the middle of the night as he tried to strangle her, and all the other ways he abused her. The principal complained loudly enough and got our pediatrician to join her complaints so that the woman was fired for doing that to kids. So make SURE your child has a parent or attorney with her to protect her. Many sw's work tirelessly at a truly awful job but there are also those who are poorly trained and do NOT belong in that position.

    Print off her facebook page so that you have it if you need it in the future. Also get printouts of the texts, etc.. that she sends. You may need them in a future custody battle as it sounds like she may want to set you and husband up for a custody battle. I O she should feel BLESSED that her kids have a mom, a dad, a stepmom and another stepmom (if that is what her partner is called) who loves them dearly. Hopefully you won't ever NEED to show all her tactics in court - but better to have the evidence and not need it than to need and not have. Do your BEST to NOT react to her in anger - it is what she wants and she IS saving any/all angry messages as evidence that you are unfit.
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    If they give you grief about school and school/docs will not give you forms to show that she cannot attend school, notify them that you are homeschooling. There ARE legalities and forms and I STRONGLY encourage you to join the Home School Legal Defense Assoc as NY is one of the more resistant states when it comes to homeschooling.

    I hope this all just goes away.
  13. Jena

    Jena New Member

    ok janet he already blocked her last night as did i today. she can't view his page anymore or make remarks to the world.... :)
  14. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Susie thanks my contact at hospital is now emailing the school and also cps if need be. son of a ................ beep!!!!!!! ever see that movie with michael douglas? the one where he just flips out suddenly while he's sitting in traffic??
  15. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Jena, I have no advice. Just wanted to give gentle (((hugs))). I hope the rest of the day goes better.

  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just sending caring thoughts of support your way. DDD
  17. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i'm really waiting on the deliverance of a margarita............ no salt please
  18. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Any way you can convince him to shut the phone off once he gets home? At least for a certain period of time or something. I'd be dropping that phone in the toilet (OOPS).
  19. Jena

    Jena New Member

    susie great point i never thought of that. in 4 years that's the second interaction i've had with her where i actually responded yet i never thought of that. custody she already has. they have joint yet if anything she'd wanna give them up not have them more.

    haozi i wish he could yet he's super responsible and has to leave it on for work or god forbid something with-a kid. ugh! i just have to breath thru it and not let her get me. i faltered i'm not ontop of my game right now due to stress right now so yup second time i reacted to her bs. she's so sick really sick person.
  20. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    With hindsight, it probably was not wise to get upset at CPS. However, sleep deprivation...

    We went through tis twice over difficult child 3. Each time I was of course upset, but I did not rant at the child protection people. They had been sent a query and they had to act on it. I would hate to think that I could report a serious concern (say, the next door neighbour beating their kid with an iron bar) and CPS fail to check it out. No, they have to check it out. And as happened with us, we were better off afterwards because we were so easily cleared of all wrongdoing.

    Let's look at the hypothetical iron bar attack by the neighbour on his kid. CPS turns up. How will the guy react? Generally with violence and aggression, verbal abuse and "Do not come in, no you can't see him." How can CPS distinguish between you (with all you have had to deal with and all you are trying to do for your child) and the violent neighbour with the iron bar? They can't.

    The person who came to your door is not the person who filed the malicious report. And the report may not have been filed maliciously - it might have been generated automatically by the school's attendance files. That happened to us - only in our case, the authorities first checked with the school principal who told them to back off. But the principal was also thereby given notice that the authorities were sniffing around the case and could take it into their heads to drop in unannounced.

    The first time the welfare authorities were called on us, it was alleged social/emotional neglect because of difficult child 3's language delay. At the time he had not been properly seen or assessed although he had been on waiting lists for months. I was castigated by the authorities for not making enough fuss about the delays. It really did feel like guilty until proved innocent, and even then we''' consider you guilty. BUT - their involvement suddenly opened up the doors and rapidly shrunk the waiting list. difficult child 3 had fallen off the waiting list, it turned out, and we would have been waiting indefinitely. CPS involvement meant difficult child 3 got assessed within a month. From there he had his hearing checked out, and we were given another referral to a multidisciplinary clinic which eventually made the autism diagnosis. So what had at first seemed like unmitigated gall on the part of someone who should have not added to my already huge load - turned out to be a favour.

    As I said, the next time was related to the truant officer system at the school, and came about due to difficult child 3's long absences form school that year. I had medical certificates to cover all the absences, but this wasn't good enough any more. It all turned out to be very useful, however, in the documentation we needed to show just how serious the problems were for difficult child 3. So again, it turned out to be a favour for us even though at the time it felt either like fiddling while Rome burned, or vexatious, or simply a flamin' nuisance when I already had enough on my plate.

    I also found that the best way to resolve any concerns, is to open the door wide and say, "Look for yourselves. And here is the paperwork. Yo can see it is all in order. I strongly fought any instinctive desire to choke the living daylights out of the person on the doorstep - that way, I would be behaving like the abusive neighbour with the iron bar.

    You have a huge load on your shoulders right now. And of course, that is when nature seems to dump even more on us. But whatever you handle now, doesn't have to be dealt with later. it also makes you stronger to deal with it and come out the other side.

    From here - I'd be calling CPS, explain that you were taken by surprise after yet another night of no sleep, and you suspect this to be a vexatious claim which right now you could well do without, but you acknowledge that C PS have to do their job and assure themselves tat you're doing everything you can. I would also ask if there is any way they can help you get services you otherwise are having to mortgage your house for.

    But get proactive. call them, before they come back with a warrant and the cops to enforce it. And if it turns out to be due to someone just trying to cause you trouble, then "bring it on!" because the sooner it gets investigated and found to be groundless, the sooner the litigant's name is mud in CPS eyes. CPS could be your unexpected allies in this.