Crappy Morning here too.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Frazzledmom, Feb 13, 2011.

  1. Frazzledmom

    Frazzledmom Guest

    So I'll try to make this short. difficult child went to FL for four days for a skateboard competition. Everything leading up to the trip went fine except he did NOTHING to earn any spending money and the expectation was that we would just provide it all. The entitlement with this kid is just amazing to behold. That was our fault too, we have such a hard time setting boundaries (the rule for this trip was he had to be in school and living at home to go - the hard part was that we bought the plane tickets BEFORE he went downhill). Of course, the day after he got back he skipped school (I'm too tired!). And from there on it's been pretty much - you're not the boss of me, I can do anything I want, no one messes with me (even as I write these words it's hard to believe it's my own child!) He can be funny, engaging, appreciative but we are just always on tip toe!! Grades are awful, he doesn't see the point of school - except for the social. He IS hanging around with great kids. All age appropriate and supervised.

    So this morning he and husband are going skiing for the day. Our approach is that the time spent in the car is well worth the money - any way we can engage him, be with him, we go for it. On the WAY OUT THE DOOR we say grab your helmet - I'm not wearing my helmet - then we are not paying for your ticket - fine I'll hitchhike and off he goes. Right now he's hitchhiking up to the mountain. The frustrating thing is that he'll probably make it and have a great day skiing.

    What now? We're thinking of saying that if he can do what he wants then he can pay for what he wants. Not one more cent out of us. We could call the police but they would not do anything. Hitchhiking around here is not illegal and like I said, he'll proabably do fine.

    I am so far beyond exasperated. Our family is so much healthier when he is not here. Away from our home he is a model child behavior-wise, it's only around us that he flips out and he's been like this for 15 years. Should we be finding a different place for him to live? What is the best way to help him become a productive adult? Our family dynamics are a mess. ANYONE else would say he's going to be fine. I can't see that's he's going to be able to survive more than a week on his own. Why such a disparity??

    I know I'll find wisdome here. Thanks.
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    He is old enough to do that with. I would give it a shot. I would even go as far as no more paying for the electricity for his video games, computer, stereo, etc. No more paying for HIS food, even at home. Tell him he is on his own from here on out. No more doing HIS laundry at your house because you are not going to pay for the soap, water, and electricity to do it. He doesn't get ANYTHING (even at home) unless he pays for it himself. Sounds like he needs what I call the 2 by 4 lesson, meaning he's the type that needs to be hit with an imaginary 2x4 before he gets it. I have a brother in law like that. Never learns except the hard way.

    As for another placement, I would look into getting him evaluated and maybe diagnosed before I would go that route. on the other hand, if that's what you need to do to stay sane and safe, you should maybe look into it.

    If my kid had told me "fine, I'll just hitchhike", I would have laid down the law and said "No you won't. You are a minor and are my responsibility. I said you're not going so you're not going!" Could he be acting this way around you because you let him have his way too much? I would have forfeited the plane ticket to FL if my difficult child had LOST the privilege of being able to go.

    As for the school issue, let the school officials handle it. That would also be a natural consequences. Do what you can to get him to go but if he refuses, let the school know that he is refusing and give them permission to do whatever they need to do.

    I am sorry you are in this place but I agree there is still hope. I would also recommend you and husband get into counseling to get help in dealing with his behavior. Your sig says he's currently undiagnosed. Have you tried to have him diagnosis-ed? If he is fine everywhere except at home, my guess is you need to change how you deal with him at home. Good luck.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I'm not sure how realistic it is to make him pay for every little thing at home (like his share of the electric bill), but I think there definitely needs to be a "do to get" policy in place.

    For example, if our difficult child had wanted a trip somewhere - she would have had to have met certain goals before we even THOUGHT about buying anything. That way, we were not the ones getting burned if difficult child did not do what she was supposed to.

    In case you're wondering? difficult child has not bothered to meet any of our requirements lately - so has missed out on school trips, clubs, dances etc. But hey - if it doesn't mean enough to her to put in an effort? Why should it bother me? I'm not going to go paying for uniforms or buying tickets to something just so I can be disrespected and treated like garbage.

    In your case? Lock up the skiis, skateboards, whatever... He wants to use it? He can earn the priviledge.

    Just my two cents....
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    My Diva can get down right nasty with an entitlement issue and like your son, not many outside the home know the stuff she has put us through. She is an awesome person once she leaves the front door but we don't always get to see that because she is so angry with me a lot.

    When she was 17, I put her through some, "You are not to ask anything of me until you can be nice for a week" tactics. Being "nice" went beyond asking nicely, it included, keep the icky language away from me, treat me with kindness, ect. I held strong and the first time took her well over a month to finally get that she better be more respectful if she wanted my help with anything. The few times that followed went well - she made it through the week quickly.

    Tell him that you do not allow ANYONE to treat you like he is. You don't want to be around him when he is deciding to behave like this. You are waiting for the more respectful behavior to appear before you continue making life easier for him.

    If he decides he can do without you then ask him for a game plan. Have him tell you or put in writing how he thinks he can support his choice of lifestyle without taking advantage of anyone.

    Make sure dinner is done and everything put away when he gets home. I am sure he didn't tell you when he was coming home and even so, his behavior didn't earn the respect to make sure he was present at supper time. He can make his own food tonight.
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    On the hitchhiking issue, Google "Ivan Milat" and show him the results. Just because he's male doesn't protect him. Even if he doesn't hitchhike alone, it doesn't protect him. One bloke survived an Ivan Milat attack, by pure luck. That's how the guy was finally convicted. Milat would immobilise his victims first (male or female; he preferred female, but whatever) and then play with them until they begged to be killed. There are probably many more bodies, there are a lot of missing persons reports unsolved. But he will never talk.

  6. Frazzledmom

    Frazzledmom Guest

    Thanks for answering. He ended up walking eight miles than calling us. It was a small victory because he actually admitted he was wrong. As far as not allowing him to go...been there done that and there really is no stopping him. We learned a long time ago that natural consequences were the only thing that have ever worked. I do understand the give to get mentality and we are going to try hard to let him earn privileges. We're currently working on a "financial plan" with our therapist that defines where his money will come from and what he will be responsible for in order to pay for things like future trips.

    I know I have to let the skipping school thing go but boy, does it push my buttons!!!! on the other hand, from the beginning he's hated a change in schedule at school whether it is a field trip, an assembly or (as in this week) winter carnival. Most kids just love those breaks, he thinks they are stupid and a perfect reason to skip!

    I'm also very ready to try the, "be nice to me or I'm not going to do anything for you" idea. Now if I can just find the energy to think on my feet. That's the hard part isn't it?? Remembering, in the heat of the moment, the tools that you worked so hard to learn!