Crashed and burned

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Kathy813, Aug 30, 2012.

  1. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello all,

    I have had a hard time writing this post. I had such high hopes for difficult child and she seemed to be doing so well.

    And then . . . her boyfriend, Peter Pan, up and moved to Colorado about a month ago. difficult child has been spiraling down ever since. Fear of abandonment is a key trait of borderlines and this has hit her hard. I kept hoping the DBT therapy could stop the slide but difficult child is drinking again and out of control.

    I knew the signs but didn't want to face it. She is still working but I don't know how long that will last. husband and I met with her DBT therapist last Tuesday. difficult child was supposed to come but didn't show up. The therapist told us that she thought that difficult child was at the point that she needed long-term inpatient hospitalization and asked us who our insurance was with. I reminded her that difficult child didn't have any insurance and asked how much the hospitalization would cost. She said the ones that she liked would be at least 7000-11000 a month.

    How in the world could we afford that? The therapist mentioned that there was a public p-hospital about an hour away from here but said that the people there were seriously crazy to the point of hurting each other. She didn't think it was the place for difficult child.

    So then we discussed another sober house that some of the other people in difficult child's DBT group live in. It is "only" $1600 a month (not including food). That would be in addition to the $1000 a month we spend on DBT. difficult child's salary would have to go towards the rent but that would still leave us with a huge payment per month.

    I guess it is all a moot point. difficult child is saying she won't go to another half-way house and will not be committed. She is talking about moving out to Colorado to live with Peter Pan. I would give that about 2 weeks before he threw her out.

    difficult child is threatening to kill herself again. In fact, we had another episode yesterday after I had breathalyzed her (she blew .13) where she went down and turned her car on inside the closed garage. I heard the car and ran down and used my phone to take a video for a few seconds before I opened the garage door. I called 911 and you are not going to believe this . . . difficult child claimed she was about to leave and hadn't opened the door yet and the police told me that there was nothing they could do. I showed them the video and they said that is was not against the law to try to kill yourself in Georgia.

    They told me that if I had a witness I could go to the court and get her involuntarily committed but since it was just my word against difficult child's, there was nothing they could do.

    We served difficult child the eviction notice today. So now we have 30 days of hell waiting for the eviction period to end. At this point, I wouldn't mind if she went to Colorado. We could stop paying for the DBT and difficult child could find out what it is truly like to end up alone with no money or family to rescue her. husband seriously suggested paying for her plane ticket.

  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Kathy I'm so very sorry. I was hoping your difficult child would be the one that made it. It leaves me sad and a bit hopeless.

    Take care of yourself. You cannot go into financial ruin or become physically ill.

    I'm hugging you in my mind,
  3. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Oh my Kathy,
    It is that suicidal ideation/behavior that gets to me the most!

    Would boyfriend even have difficult child if she was sent on a plane there?

    I can imagine how disrought you are at this moment. I am sending you heart felt hugs and care. I am so very sorry that your daughter is spiraling out of control.

  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't know, LMS. He asked her to move out there a couple of weeks ago but even she realized it probably wouldn't last long. Not to mention he doesn't have a job or any money.

    Now she is refusing to take her medications. She is laying it on thick . . . no reason to live now that we are "throwing her out." I pointed out that we were still willing to help her financially if she goes somewhere for treatment but she said she wasn't going to do that.

    Of course, the DBT therapist said she would refuse to go to the halfway house for about two weeks and then would end up going. I guess we will see if she is right.
  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    My thought was that if you all paid for her to fly to Colorado and be with her "boyfriend" that she would finally hit bottom and be willing to come back home and get further treatment.
    I don't know...

    But I do know that my young difficult child behaves in much the same way. As if it is entirely up to everyone else to save him. He is also very good at playing the role of victim in life...always (in the past) has been someone else or something else that has gotten in the way of his success.

    Now, my mother heart has always tried to "save" but I will tell you that my husband has the attitude of "If you want to run away, I'll help pack your bags for you".
    When dealing with suicide...I find it hard to be so non-chalant or even level-headed.
    I would listen and be the shoulder for my young difficult child for hours on might have passed the time (and made me feel better) but it did not stop the threats of suicide again and again.

    I don't know what the right answer is...but have been reminded by others that a person who want to do themselves in doesn't tell anyone, they just do it. With you there able to stop difficult child it does cause me to think that maybe these are just "cry's for help"...deep sadness or desperation but not REALLY wanting to die.

    It is so hard for me as I KNOW it must be for you at this moment to know what the right answer is.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Kathy i am so sorry....sounds like our difficult children are in similar spots. We just got confirmation that we dont get any kind of refund for the time difficult child did not spend at the program due to him going awol....ticks me off at difficult child....he walks out with no thought of the money he is wasting. All the more reason we are done paying for treatment!!!

  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so very sorry Kathy, gentle hugs for you.............
  8. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Kathy, I don't know what to write. I am so so sorry she is spiraling down and drinking. Please know she made a lot of real growth in her time at home & in therapy. And it won't be lost completely- even if it feels like that now.
    {{{{hugs}}}} sending you so much love and gentle whispers of "be strong"
  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You know, I have noticed that this happens every year right after school starts.

    difficult child is "showing" us by refusing to take the medications . . . except her Xanax of course. Why can't she see it would be in her best interest to do what the therapist is suggesting? She could still keep the same job that she claims to love and continue DBT while living at the sober house. Instead she is going to throw it all away.
  10. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I am so, so sorry Kathy. It is so heartbreaking watching our children cycle like this. :(
  11. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry! :hugs:

    It just feels so senseless that she just throws all her hard work away. I just hope that some of the things she has learned sticks and relapse will not be too long.
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    It is so hard to watch our kids start to do well and then is so senseless and there is nothing we can do. This time of year near my difficult children birthday is always a bad time for us too.

  13. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I'm so sorry...

    Wish I had some good advice to offer.
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Reading your post triggered many responses from me, my friend. My first response was wishing I could offer you a caring hug. Then I subsequently anguished over the financial consequences and relived how we just seemed to move from one costly investment after another starting with GFGmom and continuing until recently. Part of me wants to warn you that you may live much more poorly in the future than you have anticipated. on the other hand, I know the love that triggers the spending in hopes of saving your child. I actually feel anger at your difficult child and my difficult children and all of our difficult children who capriciously alter family lives. heart goes out to your difficult child and my difficult children and all of our difficult children who apparently just can't seem to find "normal".

    I'm sorry. I will keep you all in my thoughts and pray for a miracle. DDD
  15. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    I am so sorry she is going the wrong direction and just want to send you a cyber hug to help a little. I really wish our difficult children would see the pain they cause their family members with their actions.
  16. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Oh, I'm sorry Kathy. I don't know what to say...she was doing so great for so long. I have heard that taking the hard line with borderlines is usually counterproductive, and you are playing it "just right." I hope she cycles "back to normal" again, and doesn't throw away all her DBT skills, sobriety, hard work and accomplishments over Peter Pan. Hugs.
  17. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    my heart aches for you. I know the exact feelings when they are so disappointed and cant use their DBT skills to deal.
    The suicide threats and attempt are so hard. You dont know what to do. The hardline doesnt work and the empathy doesnt either when they are in these episodes.
    i hope she will come round soon. These are the times we pray that they will"SPLIT" and find their boyfriends to be horrible people and move on.
    Instead they use "splitting" on us the ones who are there for them. I am praying that she finds her balance and can cope soon.
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Kathy I am sorry. And to think Tony is ticked at Cory over $40! I think I get so mad at Tony when he gets mad at Cory over such measly amounts because I read such stuff as this.

    Kathy, I really think your daughter is getting a bit too old to be continuing to manipulating you this way. What if you werent here anymore? You and husband could get killed tomorrow and where would she be? At her age I was taking care of a family and 3 babies. I had no clue what was wrong with me but I had no choice but to get on with life because my parents werent going to save me. I know threatening suicide is darned scary but she can do that with or without you and if she truly wants to do that she can do it while you are at school.

    I think maybe your husband is right. Send her to Peter Pan. It wont last but she will find out what its like to be far away from home with no one to rely on but herself. Might be a good thing.
  19. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    It is so hard with these kids.... with borderline issues, who threaten suicide etc. That suicide threat is the ultimate manipulation of a parent i think. I am at that point I think (we shall see if i stay here) where really there is absolutely nothing I can do, it is time for him to save himself. I can provide some emotional support (if he asks for it which currently he is not) but nothing more.

    Kathy I think you and I are in very similar situations. I don't think there is anything you can do but let her go to Peter Pan, let her learn the hard way that it wont work and find whatever way you can to go on with your life.

    None of us signed up for this kind of journey when we decided to become parents that is for sure.

  20. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Both of my male relatives that did commit suicide did it without any warning. I was shocked both times. The one that commited suicide Monday had found out his wife has been having affairs. Both left behind toddlers.

    My son cuts himself and posts about suicidal thoughts. Very scary! and nothing we can do!

    (((huggs and prayers for us all)))