Crazy but true...

[Wakegirl]

This may be soooo crazy to put this put there like this, but my emotions are torn and I guess I'm just looking for advise. Or for someone to say I'm over thinking this situation.

My 20 year old difficult child (soon to be 21) is living in my home while he is trying to enlist in the National Guard. He's been back home for a little while now, after being kicked out for using drugs, etc. My original story is on here. Anyway, I've been dating a guy for over 14 years. I know, so many think that it's crazy that we aren't married yet. But we are engaged, and we will marry. There's been a few obstacles along the way, and truth be told, I haven't been in any hurry. We love each other, and that's what's important. So, last night, we cooked out and rented a few movies from Red Box. My difficult child and his girlfriend were here, and they watched one of the movies with us. It was a pleasant evening. He went to take her home around midnight. He came back and went upstairs to bed. Evidently, he got up at some point and heard my fiancé and I having sex. Ugh. And it's not that it was even loud, it's just that the downstairs was totally silent. Of course the bedroom door was shut and locked. So this morning, he gets up around 11:00 and leaves without saying a word. I sent him a text asking where he ran off to. His reply was that he needed some space. I asked what from? My heart started to race because I immediately thought the unthinkable...that he did hear us. His reply was from me and my fiancé. He said he heard something last night that he didn't need to hear and that he just needed to stay away from the house today. He said he is permanently scarred. He said for the first time in 20 years, he heard his mom having sex and that it was a "nasty thought". I tried to explain to him that I'm an adult, and that my private, intimate life shouldn't concern him like this. And that a healthy, committed relationship consists of engaging in (responsible) sex. Nothing I say matters. I've scarred him.

I've always been extremely cautious about this situation. And I've always preached to him about safe sex, etc. The birds and the bees. And now I feel guilty. But I'm also perturbed. That kid has run my life and made it a living hell for the last 5 years. And now I'm being punished because I had sex with my fiancé of FOURTEEN years.

How would any of you react?

 

[Nancy]

Someone else just recently posted the same exact same story and how it ruined his relationship with his daughter. Goodness gratious these young people can go out and do drugs and have sex but for heavens sake if they find out their parent is having sex they fall apart. I don;t think you have anything to feel bad about. Hopefully your son will put it into perspective and get over it.

 

[DammitJanet]

OMG...how childish. He is far old enough to know his mother is having sex with her partner who has lived with THEM for 14 years. It didnt take my kids that long. I think my boys were probably in elementary school when they first walked in on us. And their father and I arent married and we have been together almost 30 years..

My 26 year old son and I were joking about sex on text messages just a couple of hours ago. Its no big deal. Kids arent scarred by hearing parents having sex. Ugh. My middle son covers his eyes and says...oh no...I dont want to think about beached whales!!!! Yes we have a sense of humor in my family.

 

[BusynMember]

I don't think this sounds as serious as the first person who had that problem. Most kids of all ages get a little nauseaus at the thought of their parents having sex, let alone hearing it. After all, this is MOTHER. I never wanted to think about sex and my parents and they were married...lol. Think of your own parents. Would you want to have heard them having sex? I mean, we all know they have sex. Just sort of isn't something kids like to think about with their folks.

You've been with this man for FOURTEEN YEARS. I do understand son maybe wishing he hadn't heard the sex noise, but if he punishes you because of it, I'd just ignore him. Sounds like he is difficult anyway. I'm sure it didn't ruin him for life

 

[Calamity Jane]

Gosh, Wakegirl. Yes, another poster (a gentleman) had almost the same issue recently.

It is awkward in some families, and not in others. You mentioned you've been careful and quiet all these years, so he probably has never heard you, even though intellectually he knows you're "doing it." Last night was just unintentional too much information, that's all. You weren't hanging from the chandeliers, throwing it in his face, so if he's "scarred" you certainly didn't intend to scar him!
He probably holds you up on a pedestal, and despite the modern times we live in, and all the stuff they're exposed to on the internet, etc., a guy just doesn't want to think his mom is having sex, as ridiculous as it sounds. If you hadn't had sex with his bio dad, he wouldn't have been born! He would problem. want to "protect" his mom from anyone who wants to fool around with his beloved mom.
Could your fiancee have kind of a private, man-to-man with your son, or would he be hostile to that idea?

 

[Wakegirl]

Thank you all for your insight. I think at times I've tried to live too proper, as far as he is concerned, if that makes sense. We are our children's role models, and although I'm not married, it does bother me, at times, that my son was raised in a house by 2 people that aren't married. I've talked to him about it in the past, and at one point (when he was around 10), he didn't want to hear about me getting married. He said he loved my SO, and he wanted him here, but he didn't want me getting married because that would mean that my last name would be different from his. He also said that he didn't want me getting married because it would mean that I would have sex. Lol. Boy, I've done a dang good job at hiding it from him. But that was important to me in his younger years. And while I would never throw it in his face, I do feel like he's taken this a bit far, being that he's 20 years old now.

He's still not home. Guess I'm still in the dog house. :-/

 

[Wakegirl]

Calamity Jane...I do think he holds me up on a pedestal. But almost too high. I'm human, not God. But he can sure point out my wrong doings, in his eyes. Such as last night. Or, if we have company over, he'll make a comment that I've had more than one glass of wine. I never really let him see me drink as a toddler. I devoted my life to raising him to the best of my ability. But now it's a bit annoying. I want my life without my grown child pointing his finger at me!!!

 

[DDD]

My advice?? Resume normal living and don't give it another thought. Why?? Because it really is not a topic of conversation in your home. Never was. Isn't now. Won't be in 14 years. Hugs DDD

 

[Kathy813]

I agree with DDD. Just go on with your life and let your son know that it really isn't any of his business. I remember when Fran said once that she told her sons that their generation didn't invent sex. I loved that line.

~Kathy

 

[AnnieO]

OK, honestly the thought of MY parents doing the horizontal bop skeeves me out. But not enough for me to act like that! I've walked in on my parents - after I moved out. Hey, they're healthy! (Ewwwww.)

husband and I used it to tease Onyxx. It doesn't seem to bother Jett much, but Onyxx would get red faced and shudder. Of course, the teasing got a LOT worse when she was caught by me with her boyfriend... I figure she traumatized me, it was my turn... Hee hee...

 

[recoveringenabler]

Throw that guilt overboard and go on with your life. Geez. I would tell him if his 'scarring' is so severe, I would understand if he needed to move out to somewhere else where he can be protected from the choices you make. Oh, and perhaps to mention on his way out the door, that it may be a workable solution for everyone since you are also 'scarred' by his behaviors of the last 5 years and now you will both be free of any future 'scarring'..............

 

[welcometowitsend]

I agree with DDD - I wouldn't bring it up again. I'd just carry on with my business. I understand that actually hearing 'it' may have been too much information for him but REALLY? Did he think he was a virgin birth? LOL.

If he brings it up again and acts traumatized I'd just repeat exactly what you already said and then add 'Get over it'. He's not a small child that needs things explained to him, he's an adult who needs to learn to respect that this is your home, your life, your fiance and that sex is a natural, healthy part of your life and relationship.

And, of course, if he wants to make sure he is never made aware of it again he can find a new place to live and never come over without calling first.

 

[busywend]

I agree with DDD. And have an added thought that now you know how to get him to move out when you want him to!

 

[HaoZi]

Ummm... I made such a face at the screen that my daughter had to come over and find out why. She's 11. I gave her a brief explanation and she facepalmed and asked "How could he not know after all those years? At his age?"

She knows I do these things, and I sure hope she doesn't hear them, but if she has woken up and heard us, she's never mentioned it. And I'm not asking.

 

[Sheila]

I wouldn't give it another thought. Sounds like it's just an excuse to me.....

 

[Wakegirl]

I have loved reading every one of your replies! I don't know why I allowed him to question myself, or why I allow his feelings to control my feelings. That's something that I'm working on personally. Another part of detachment I suppose. I'm still mesmerized that he's taking it this hard. I have had numerous talks with him about sex. And it being sacred. Also about protection. I have never allowed girls in my home when I'm not home, although the difficult child in him didn't always obey my rule. By the way, have I mentioned in this thread that his girlfriend is pregnant? I guess that watermelon seed she ate is the culprit. And the box of condoms I set in his bathroom where only meant for decoration. And the talks I had with him went in one ear and out the other. Sigh.

When difficult child finally came home last night (he timed it to when I go to bed), he spoke no words to me. Nothing. And I didn't speak to him. I did send him a text, because I walked through the kitchen to turn lights out, and noticed he had the oven on. He's horrible about putting something in the oven and then going upstairs. And that makes me uneasy when I'm in going to bed. So I sent a text telling him he needed to hang out downstairs while he's cooking his food. Of course he didn't reply. And of course he didn't come downstairs. So my worried self set my alarm on my phone for 45 minutes, so I could wake up and make sure he turned the oven off. Why didn't I just get up and throw his food away and turn the oven off when he didn't respond to my request? I make things so hard on myself in an effort to not cause confrontation with him. Pitiful...

 

[susiestar]

WG, this isn't about sex. You are thrown by the topic because you have kept that side of your life private from him. That is totally your choice and is fine. I am a bit more on the Janet side of things esp as a lot of times my skin will actually break out in sores if I have anything touching it. Even sitting or laying down or standing can produce sores on whatever parts are touching anything. But I wasn't that modest before this happened.

This is FAR FAR FAR more about your son wanting to control you and your life and home. The comments about you drinking too much or whatever are him trying to make you do what he wants. He thinks he can get you to not kick him out or expect him to stop using if he gets you accustomed to him controlling your life. Next time he says you have had enough to drink, tell him you haven't by at least 10, and when you start stripping down to your birthday suit on top of a table in a bar full of 20 somethings, THEN he can tell you when to stop drinking, to stop having sex, to stop or start doing ANYTHING in the home that you pay for and he enjoys. And if your behavior is so unacceptable to him then he is FREE to go and pay his own way through the world and you will box his stuff up for him to pick up in a week or so.

I would also tell him to stop and think before he chastises you for ANYTHING because you are still his mother and you are still paying the bills to put food in his mouth and provide his home. If he wants that to continue then he had better be respectful.

Sex and alcohol consumption have as much to do with what is going on as tattoos have anything to do with cross eyed lemurs. Your son is attempting to control you, your fiance, and your home/wallet and he is choosing this topic because he KNOWS it will make you feel bad because you have wanted to keep this side of you private from him.

He is NOT scarred by any stretch of the imagination. He knows what sex is. He knows people who have long term relationships have sex.

I do remember actually rolling off the bed laughing hysterically at my brother when he was fifteen. He had been snooping in my parents' room and came and told me that he thought they had sex the night before. He was HORRIFIED and thought we should have a talk with them because they were 'too old' to do that. The only thing funnier than the idea of telling our parents they couldn't have sex was the look on my bro's face when I told him that if he did got Occupational Therapist (OT) hem then I would tell them that bro had already had sex and gave all the details that he told me as he tried to pressure me to have sex with one of his friends. I truly ended up on the floor iwth my cat in my face wondering what kind of fit I was having because I just could NOT stop laughing at his stupidity.

Then I totally wrecked my bro's mind. I asked my bro what he thought Gpa and Gma were doing when they made *those* noises when we were on vacation or they were visiting?

He isn't scarred. I would be laughing my head off if one of my kids tried that. Then I would be discussing that he needed to have a care in how he communicated to me as he is living under my roof on my dime and he needs me and I am NOT obligated to do anything for him.

I would NOT address the topic, just that he needs to have a care in how he addresses you.

Don't you DARE feel bad that he heard you. He could have turned on the tv or music or left the home or done any of 1000 things but instead he listened to hear what you were doing.

He does have giant cajones. I think my mother would have knocked me out if I had the gall to comment on her private life in the way your son did. We joke about it, and about my idiotic brother who loves loves loves to try to shock her with details about his sex life and is again and again shocked and horrified to think that she and my father have a private life. I look at it as the promise that husband and I will still be in love and wanting to express it when we are my folks' ages.

 

[HaoZi]

^^^
As Susie said (and that cracked me up). My daughter recognized it as at attempt at control on his part, too, because there's no way he couldn't know it happens. He might not like it, but it's not his business nor is it his house. He's a grown boy, and if he doesn't like it, he's free to move out. Not his call to decide what you do behind closed doors. Or on kitchen tables when he's not home. Or on couches, washing machines, coffee tables, floors, bathroom counters, in showers...

 

[SuZir]

I'm with Susie and HaoZi, this sounds an attempt to control you or make you feel guilty. I find it perfectly normal that a kid (or an adult) would feel uncomfortable or icky to think their parent(s) having sex never mind hearing it. But normal reaction to that would be turning tv louder or turning on mp3-player. Or leaving house for a walk or trip to a café. And not mentioning a matter to parent(s). Or maybe tease them about it next morning, if that is appropriate to family's private/open-atmosphere and sense of humour. Or if they are difficult children they may whine how you kept them awake all night by being so noisy.

I understand well being uncomfortable with your parents sex life. Mine didn't consider it too private matter. My mom was eternal flower child, free love and all that. And my dad is an artist who in many points of his career has relied on power of shocking people. And in older times that was easy with sexual topics. There are quite a many takes of his penis being an eye-catcher of a painting hanging in galleries etc. Ans some in private households. According to him he knows at least one family who have that kind of painting on their dining room wall. I do find that icky. My dad thinks I'm some talentless, philistine, prude changeling secretly exchanged to their real child's cradle. Could be.

But what your son did, seems pure attempt to control or manipulate you.

 

[scent of cedar]

This is FAR FAR FAR more about your son wanting to control you and your life and home.

The comments about you drinking too much or whatever are him trying to make you do what he wants.

Next time he says you have had enough to drink, tell him you haven't by at least 10

THEN he can tell you when to stop drinking, to stop having sex, to stop or start doing ANYTHING in the home that you pay for and he enjoys. And if your behavior is so unacceptable to him then he is FREE to go and pay his own way through the world and you will box his stuff up for him to pick up in a week or so.

I would also tell him to stop and think before he chastises you for ANYTHING because you are still his mother and you are still paying the bills to put food in his mouth and provide his home. If he wants that to continue then he had better be respectful.

Sex and alcohol consumption have as much to do with what is going on as tattoos have anything to do with cross eyed lemurs. Your son is attempting to control you, your fiance, and your home/wallet and he is choosing this topic because he KNOWS it will make you feel bad because you have wanted to keep this side of you private from him.

He is NOT scarred by any stretch of the imagination. He knows what sex is. He knows people who have long term relationships have sex.

I would be laughing my head off if one of my kids tried that. Then I would be discussing that he needed to have a care in how he communicated to me as he is living under my roof on my dime and he needs me and I am NOT obligated to do anything for him.

I would NOT address the topic, just that he needs to have a care in how he addresses you.

Don't you DARE feel bad that he heard you. He could have turned on the tv or music or left the home or done any of 1000 things but instead he listened to hear what you were doing.

I think my mother would have knocked me out if I had the gall to comment on her private life

I look at it as the promise that husband and I will still be in love and wanting to express it when we are my folks' ages.

Your son is engaging in voyeurism.

Shame on him.

In being rude enough to bring it up to you (after he was rude enough to listen, in the first place) your own son is trying to denigrate the sacredness of your relationship with your S.O.!

He is taking a cheap shot at you as a woman. (One of the cheapest shots there is.) He is playing that same old game men play with women to rationalize their actions and behaviors so they can get what they want and walk away smelling like a rose while the woman's reputation suffers.

And why is he is layering this horror and shame onto you? So he can rationalize/justify how he is a man even though he is living with his mommy and not creating his own life.

Looking at your private life the way he is choosing to (and we have to remember that HE IS MAKING A CHOICE, HERE) enables him to change the focus of attention from his failure to thrive as an adult male. I agree with the others on this one: absolutely none of his business. That is why our children are supposed to be moved out by the time they are of an age to know what sex is.

Life is short. Celebrate living with and loving S.O. Enjoy everything you can, everything you have. Especially with children like ours, there is so much pain, there are so many disappointments. Joy is the one thing that keeps us sane, that helps us remember what life is supposed to feel like.

Don't let him take this from you, too. Don't let him dirty or change it. At bottom, the relationship you have with S.O. is sacred.

That would be the whole relationship. There is a magic to what goes on between a mated couple ~ not just in the bedroom, but in their smallest, every day actions toward one another. Your son is trying to reach in and cheapen and change that.

Barbara