Crazy in VA - did she get the order of Protection?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Jun 16, 2008.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I read your empty nest post and hoped your Youngest got that order of protection.

    IF it is a matter of the $35.00 or more filing fee - PLEASE point her to a domestic violence shelter in your area - once they are "in" with the DV people they usually will represent her in court and pay the fee for that order.

    They will also be able to help her get ALL her support payments through the courts - so he doesn't have to worry about GAS money AND I would tell her to tell baby daddy moma to BUTT out.

    Viva le Empty Nest = ces't bon? ;)
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She was going to go to court this morning, but I have a bad feeling she did not. The plan had been to discuss not only the order of protection, but requesting another hearing to more specifically lay out the visitation etc.

    She does want to go through child support enforcement to get her payments, but they are backed up and it apparently takes several months to get the process really started, that's why she didn't request it in the first place. As long as he is to keep paying her until that process is in place I think she should start it anyway, but she was going to find that out, too.

    The protective order is something she's needed for a long time. The problem is, she keeps doing things like letting him into her apartment (as recently as yesterday!!).. so it is of no use until she is ready to absolutely put her foot down. She has also been reluctant to contact the domestic violence people, although her therapist and I and even a court services person have been urging her to do it for well over a year now (when she was actually still dating the baby's father, it was really frightening. I honestly thought he might kill her). All I can do is keep reminding her, as gently as I can without pushing her away. She has the numbers, the contact information. Her therapist and I have each offered to go with her. She just has to say yes.

    I read a lot about domestic violence last year, trying to understand WHY she wouldn't just kick this jerk to the curb. Her dad was definitely an abuser, but nowhere near as bad as her baby's father is. I can't comprehend staying with someone who does the things he's done (e.g., once he drove her, against her will, down dark country roads, threatening to drive them both into a tree. He stopped and threw her out of the car, driving away, then came back adn drgged her back in the car, saying he'd kill her if she didn't get back together with him. She wouldn't call the police. Didn't even tell me about it until the next day).

    What I learned was that it's like Stockholm Syndrome... the victims become somehow connected to their captors (abusers) ... it's a bizarre psychological bond of need and control. I didn't find a whole lot of information to help the families of victims, just help for the victims themselves, which was a bit frustrating . What I did find talked about the need to be careful NOT to keep blaming the victim for staying, telling them they are crazy for staying, because it reinforces what the abuser is telling them.. they are crazy and messed up and can't do anything right (boy do I remember that kind of abuse). The best you can do is just be there, reminding the victim that you love them and will be there no matter what. MAN that's hard.

    I liked the comment someone made to my previous post.. about gently reminding her, when she calls to complain/vent about what the baby's father is up to now... that she knows what she needs to do to stp it. And she does, believe me. I just wish I knew what it would take to get her to do it. I can say, it's better than it was before, and at least that's something.

    Both of my difficult children have this issue of not doing what they "need" to do to fix something. It's why I sometimes get frustrated with people who respond to my ventings with "she needs to do [this or that]." I know it's well-intentioned.. and sometimes there are great suggestions and I learn new things for myself, so don't stop... but the bottom line is, I ccould give each of them a list of what to do to fix their problems, and they still have to WANT to do it. No go, for either of them, most of the time. So, here I sit, frustrated.

    And re-learning detachment skills over and over.

    This got much longer than I intended, but there it is.
  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    P.S. .. the empty nest is awesome. I love coming home to things the exact way I left them (unless the cat has gotten into something, but hey I can live with that1)
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    As far as him demanding she comes to get her child support, have her send him a bunch of self addressed stamped envelopes. She can even do SASE's that have certified return receipt on them so he can't say he sent them when he didn't.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sounds like the empty nest is very enjoyable, even comforting. I am glad you have it - and a kitty cat to help you love it!

    I don't have suggestions, but am sending lots and lots of support. I can only imagine how scary this is for you.

    Keep us updated, please.


  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so frustrated. Father of Youngest's baby is really playing mind games with her. He says he is now dealing drugs, and is going to party all weekend.. and that she can't stop him from taking Aidan with him (it's his visitation weekend) unless she has proof. He says the only way she can stop him is to get back together with him. She told me she is worried about her son, and that may be she should get back together with the father just so she can protect her son. He obviously is going to torture her with thoughts of what's going on every visitation weekend now. Thing is, most of it is probably B.S. ... he just wants to scare her.

    She was on her way into work so I couldn't get much more out of her. I told her again to call the domestic violence people, and I texted her the numbers (again). I told her they'd go to court with her. They'd give her advice. That she HAS to do something.

    I swear this p.o.s. sperm donor needs to disappear.
  7. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Major red flag! She absolutely can, and I hope will, stop him from taking Aidan. Not a legal scholar, but surely the threat to deliberately endanger Aidan's well being (corroborated by you) is sufficient grounds to deny visitation -- would she have to seek a restraining order first? Regardless, the baby's welfare is paramount, so I'd do whatever was necessary to prevent him from taking Aidan and get the restraining order ASAP afterwards if necessary. Keep a record of threats and abuses in case he tries to pull anything legally himself. Can you keep Aidan in protective custody, so to speak, this weekend? Go on a little trip perhaps?

    I'd hate to see youngest putting the child and herself at risk by going back with this guy in a profoundly misguided attempt to "protect" Aidan. If she won't act is there a possibility of intervention in the situation, reporting a child endangerment issue to the state child welfare agency? I counselled the "gentle reminder of what she needs to do to change the situation", but the severity of that threat worries me.

    Sorry to sound alarmist. Chances are he's blowing smoke but from your descriptions he is definitely unhinged and thus may be capable of almost anything in a fit of rage.
  8. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    PS - Is it this weekend that you had your beach trip planned? Uncanny how they time things for maximum disruption isn't it?
  9. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She could defnitely get a protective order for Aidan, on an emergency basis. His threats alone are enough for that. But, she has to go down there and request it. It's getting her to GO that is the problem. And, I have no standing to request it, since all I have is hearsay (she TOLD me he said these things, I am not a witness). But it doesnt' matter.. the way it works is you get an emergency order immediately, then a hearing is held within 10 days to make it permanent or extend it if necessary. That's when "evidence" is more important.

    I am going to suggest again tonight, that she get her butt to the courthouse. But honestly I hope she calls the domestic violence people first, to start that support rolling. This is never going to end until this jerk suffers consequences for his actions.

    Chances are this jerk will change his tune again, that happens daily. He's psycho. You have a good point about perhaps calling CPS if Jess doesn't move forward to protect herself and Aidan.. maybe I should even theraten that to her to push her along. Or maybe I just do it, if she remains inactive.

    I leave for the beach on the 28th .. 11 days away. Nothing short of a death or severe injury will stop me from going, believe me. And I will be keeping my phone off most of the time (no, not all the time, will check voice mail and texts occasionally).