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Crisis after crisis.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 653171" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Rina, I too adopted an older child from an orphanage in another country. They knew so little about older child adoption then and less about how traumatic it is for an older child, who knows, to be yanked out of his country and sent to another country that is so different with people who often look different, after they have been used to years without any consistent love. And then they are supposed to love us on sight and know all about the wonderful thing called family. Of course, it doesn't work out that way in most circumstances. It sounds to me like your son is angry about being adopted, angry that his birthparents didn't want him, apparently thinks you feel you did a great thing by adopting him...he is hurting you because he hurts for the exact reasons he said. At least, that's is what I think.</p><p></p><p>Almost all children adopted late have attachment issues. That is different than being sad and wondering about your birthparents. Their insecurity comes from what lacked in their early years. It is normal to wonder about your roots if you are adopted (and many look for birth families to fill in the blanks). However, the hurt of spending years in an orphanage in another country and then coming here can not be fixed just by meeting your birthfamily. My son, whom we adopted from overseas, did meet his birth family and he still struggles with his identity, although he has taken very positive steps by marrying somebody of his origin and raising his children as cultureally Chinese. That has been healing for him.</p><p></p><p>I know this may be unorthodox, but have you ever asked your son how he feels about his adoption and if he wished he could know his birth family? I know, I know. It could be hurtful to us as we want to be their only parents, but we aren't.It ispossible to reconnect with birthparents from other countries with the invention of the internet. In my son's case, he went to that country.</p><p></p><p>This is not your fault and the failure of my son to bond with us is not my fault either. This is how it is when we hold a child in our heart who was not introduced to us until he was well away from his early development years 0-3. We do the best we can. They deal with their demons and often do not connect to us as parents, although some do...either a little or a lot.They do tend to get into trouble later on. My son did not, but he did join a very rigid church that limits what he can do and who he should communicate with and he takens that church's word verbatim. It is, in my opinion, his way of feeling he fits in and has rules to follow.</p><p></p><p>Had I been more aware of the difficulties older children face when adopted, I am not sure I would have taken that challenge on. The young adoptees I have seem to be normal kids with just no issues more than other young adults, although one did get into drugs early on, but is fine now. I guess the point of this post is to ask you to please be good to yourself. You did the best you could and this is not your fault. Your son has chosen a destructive way to deal with his issues, whatever they are, and he could have dealt with them in a better way. In the end, he has to be the one to choose how to do it. If they are adoption issues, there are many therapists who specialize in adopted adults and there are groups too and he can write to the agency that placed him to try to find his birthparents too, if he feels the need. It is a real copulsion for some people and my kids have my blessing to search.</p><p></p><p>I feel, and I may be wrong, that your son's issues with being adopted need addressing as much as his drug abuse. And I'm not sure anybody is taking that part of him seriously. Many mental health professionals are as clueless about adoption and adopted adults than people on the street that tell you how wonderful you are that you adopted a poor little waif (some exaggeration here, but not much). You have to find somebody who understands the feelings some adopted children experience. I feel, again could be wrong, that he won't be better until his adoption issues are resolved as well as his drug abuse...and their possible connection. Does this rehab have anyone on staff who had ever dealt with adoption issues? Too often our adopted children here, "Now, look, you are lucky. Your parents love you, they picked you out. You have a nice house and have every advantage.Shame on you for your curiosity about your past." That is very unhelpful and very pervasive. These kids want to look in the mirror and know who they look like.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 653171, member: 1550"] Rina, I too adopted an older child from an orphanage in another country. They knew so little about older child adoption then and less about how traumatic it is for an older child, who knows, to be yanked out of his country and sent to another country that is so different with people who often look different, after they have been used to years without any consistent love. And then they are supposed to love us on sight and know all about the wonderful thing called family. Of course, it doesn't work out that way in most circumstances. It sounds to me like your son is angry about being adopted, angry that his birthparents didn't want him, apparently thinks you feel you did a great thing by adopting him...he is hurting you because he hurts for the exact reasons he said. At least, that's is what I think. Almost all children adopted late have attachment issues. That is different than being sad and wondering about your birthparents. Their insecurity comes from what lacked in their early years. It is normal to wonder about your roots if you are adopted (and many look for birth families to fill in the blanks). However, the hurt of spending years in an orphanage in another country and then coming here can not be fixed just by meeting your birthfamily. My son, whom we adopted from overseas, did meet his birth family and he still struggles with his identity, although he has taken very positive steps by marrying somebody of his origin and raising his children as cultureally Chinese. That has been healing for him. I know this may be unorthodox, but have you ever asked your son how he feels about his adoption and if he wished he could know his birth family? I know, I know. It could be hurtful to us as we want to be their only parents, but we aren't.It ispossible to reconnect with birthparents from other countries with the invention of the internet. In my son's case, he went to that country. This is not your fault and the failure of my son to bond with us is not my fault either. This is how it is when we hold a child in our heart who was not introduced to us until he was well away from his early development years 0-3. We do the best we can. They deal with their demons and often do not connect to us as parents, although some do...either a little or a lot.They do tend to get into trouble later on. My son did not, but he did join a very rigid church that limits what he can do and who he should communicate with and he takens that church's word verbatim. It is, in my opinion, his way of feeling he fits in and has rules to follow. Had I been more aware of the difficulties older children face when adopted, I am not sure I would have taken that challenge on. The young adoptees I have seem to be normal kids with just no issues more than other young adults, although one did get into drugs early on, but is fine now. I guess the point of this post is to ask you to please be good to yourself. You did the best you could and this is not your fault. Your son has chosen a destructive way to deal with his issues, whatever they are, and he could have dealt with them in a better way. In the end, he has to be the one to choose how to do it. If they are adoption issues, there are many therapists who specialize in adopted adults and there are groups too and he can write to the agency that placed him to try to find his birthparents too, if he feels the need. It is a real copulsion for some people and my kids have my blessing to search. I feel, and I may be wrong, that your son's issues with being adopted need addressing as much as his drug abuse. And I'm not sure anybody is taking that part of him seriously. Many mental health professionals are as clueless about adoption and adopted adults than people on the street that tell you how wonderful you are that you adopted a poor little waif (some exaggeration here, but not much). You have to find somebody who understands the feelings some adopted children experience. I feel, again could be wrong, that he won't be better until his adoption issues are resolved as well as his drug abuse...and their possible connection. Does this rehab have anyone on staff who had ever dealt with adoption issues? Too often our adopted children here, "Now, look, you are lucky. Your parents love you, they picked you out. You have a nice house and have every advantage.Shame on you for your curiosity about your past." That is very unhelpful and very pervasive. These kids want to look in the mirror and know who they look like. [/QUOTE]
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