Crisis looming

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HereWeGoAgain, Apr 13, 2011.

  1. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    OK, difficult child has been out on the streets since leaving my parent's house at the beginning of February. At that time she had been about 6 weeks clean.

    The last time we heard from her was almost 3 weeks ago. She said she'd been beat up the night before and wanted to get help. wife wouldn't go get her and bring her home, because of easy child 1, who is home schooled, but got in touch with my parents and with difficult child's DHS counselor. They were set to get her checked in to a detox unit. But difficult child never called back.

    wife had a bit of a breakdown, felt like she had turned difficult child away when she was seeking to make a change. My mom came over and she and the counselor sat with her for a couple of hours.

    Fast forward to a week ago. difficult child's ex-boyfriend called wife. difficult child had called him to ask for money. He met her and and gave her some, found out she was staying at a guy's apartment where they were cooking meth. He said she was shooting up and was in bad shape. He told wife that if she called again, he was going to try to find out exactly where the lab was and call the police. But he didn't get called again.

    Day before yesterday I was at home and picked up a call from another friend of difficult child's. Apparently difficult child was at a motel and had called the friend for help getting away from some other woman who was "pimping her out". The friend, who was at work, said why don't you call your mother? difficult child told her she had been turned out (not exactly true - she took off on her own) and could not go back. She told difficult child she was sure we would let difficult child come back home, no matter what may have been said (pretty typical attitude of people who haven't spent years around a difficult child, I think) and offered to call us first. I told the friend to relay to difficult child that she could call and we'd try to get her help. What I had in mind was picking up difficult child and taking her to an ER for detox.

    Well, of course the friend wasn't able to get back to difficult child. She had a motel phone number, but no room number. difficult child didn't call her again. So once more we have a harrowing glimpse into difficult child's nightmare world but are unable to do anything. (These people seem very anxious to call us and let us know how badly difficult child is faring. It's like they get some kind of morbid satisfaction from it.) wife was set to go drive around the neighborhood of the motel. I told wife I thought that was a bad idea, which made her quite angry, but she didn't do it and forgave me later in the evening.

    We've also gotten letters from an attorney for WalMart (where else?) making a "civil demand" for $100 in connection with difficult child being detained for shoplifting; and a notice to appear on a traffic violation; and there was a hearing she no doubt missed on public intoxication so I bet there's a bench warrant now on that.

    With these incidents piling up and the details getting worse and worse, I have that "gut feeling" (as discussed on another recent thread) that a big crisis is looming. It might be a medical emergency: she has thyroid deficiency; if she's purging again that can cause kidney problems (for which she's been hospitalized twice before) or heart failure from low potassium; she is probably not taking her anti-seizure medicine; she could get mugged or beat up again by a pimp or a john; or she could simply OD. Or it might be prison, if she gets caught cooking meth, or selling meth or heroin, or on theft or prostitution. Actually prison might be the best thing - she's never spent more than a night or two in jail so a longer stint may be her true rock-bottom. I just pray that we don't get a call to identify her body.

    I'm also worried about not being there when this crisis comes. wife has a pretty good network there at home - her sisters and brothers-in-law, easy child sons 1 and 2 (easy child son 2 is living at home again, just started a new job), my parents, and her two oldest friends (one of whom has major difficult child trouble of her own). Still, I don't like being 1,200 miles away when something goes down.
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    No advice, just sending hugs and support.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Living with the chaos and fear is overwhelming. At least you have caring people here that you can use to vent a bit. I'm really sorry you are, once again, on the verge of crisis. I find that repeating the Serenity Prayer (the AA mantra) helps me sort through the emotions. I'm sending supportive and caring thoughts your way DDD
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Does sound like she's on the verge of something.

    Just an FYI per the got the motel number but no room........odds are you call back ask for so and so and they give you the room, if they don't know.....give them a description, mention the situation, and someone will know which room. I've had to do this a few times with works, a housekeeper or other resident knows even if front desk doesn't. You just have to be pushy about it and sound urgent. Although I don't recommend calling back unless you really feel her life is in jeopardy...........because it really messes up the detachment thing.

    It is heck when you catch just enough of a glimpse of the nightmare ........and there isn't a darn thing you can do about it. This was hard enough with bff......I couldn't imagine going through it with a child. I'd say with what seems to be going on.......she's either going to hit rock bottom soon, or ER for serious medication problems.

    I can tell you for wife's sake...............bff would change her mind about getting clean ten times a day. I really think she wanted to.......but soon as withdrawal or temptation hit......the desire flew out the window. Unfortunately for bff.....she couldn't seem to escape the temptation as it often came to her. So while difficult child may have been ready to come home and do rehab and all that and really meant it?? Ten mins later it might have been a whole different story. Meth is extremely addicting as is heroine...

    When difficult child is ready, odds are you won't have to chase her down.

    Will keep her in my prayers. The addiction is scary enough without those other health issues mixed in.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending you lots and lots of hugs. It must be really hard to be so far away with the feeling that a crisis is going to hit soon. Esp with your child. I was 800 miles away when my parents called to tell me my bro was in jail on felony charges and was an alcoholic and I know how hard that was. I wanted to be there to help my parents and take some of the burden off my mom. Two weeks later to get a call from bro, from jail for more charges, it was even harder.

    I know it must be 1000 times worse because it is your child.

    Keep the serenity prayer in mind, find an alanon meeting where you are, even if you travel. There are meetings all over and also online for those who cannot get to meetings. Reach out for help and support from that community also (or narcanon which may be a better fit though it may depend on the individual meeting). Encourage wife to do this also.

    I HATE that feeling that a crisis is coming. Be extra gentle and nice to yourself at this time. It is incredibly stressful and painful and it won't be good for anyone if you get too upset and have health problems because it.

    I would start telling these people that you don't want to know and that difficult child knows that if she wants to go to treatment that she only has to call you. Otherwise you have no control over her actions and do not want to hear about them as nothing you do will change them. they may have a hard time iwth that, esp as many who would call a parent to say their kid is in serious, life threatening harm's way just because they get some kind of rush or good feeling from doing it. You know, the "I have told them how hard/bad things are for her and they must forever be grateful because I have greatly helped their child" types. In reality they are just adding to your misery. In the case of parents with an addicted child who is in such bad shape but unwilling to truly become clean and sober, ignorance truly is bliss - at least in my opinion.

    More hugs and support. difficult child knows if she really means it then youwill help her get into a program. ALL of the calls from "well meaning people" are most likely designed to both soften you up so that you will give her something when she calls you with a "crisis" but doesn't want to go to rehab.
  6. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    Hang in there! I think the sense of impending doom is worse than when the actual crisis hits. That feeling of dread is enough to drive you over the edge. I have been there many times. It does sound as if she is about to hit her rock bottom, and there's only one way from there- up, so perhaps this will have a positive outcome.

    I have dealt with many "well meaning" people throughout my situation with-my difficult child. In my experience they are one of two kinds: 1)nosy people who deep-down aren't nice and are enjoying watching the train wreck and 2) nice idiots who have no idea how bad the difficult child really is- they think they are saving someone. In my case these are the people Kat takes for a ride. She is the master at picking out these people and telling them horror stories. Many involve me and how badly I treat her. People who do not have difficult children have NO idea what kind of insanity they are dealing with and will go to the ends of the earth to try and help them. I figure something must be missing in their lives if they feel the need to get that involved, and as was suggested, when they contact me (they always do) I tell them she is living her own life and will call me if she needs help. If your daughter REALLY wants to go to rehab she will find a way, don't worry about that.

    I know you feel like you need to be physically close to your family now, but in reality you would not be able to do anything to stop whatever is coming. They know they have your emotional support, which is really all you can offer. I'm sending positive energy your way!
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I agree with Susie. Obviously your difficult child is giving these "well meaning folks" your contact info....but NOT giving you a way to contact her back. difficult child knows how to reach you - it sounds like she's "testing the waters" first.
  8. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Right, the friend I talked to is definitely #2 - you have it to a T.
  9. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    You know, I hadn't looked at it quite that way, but I think you are right. I need to follow my own advice: (from "Don't know why this should even surprise me...." in Teens/Substance Abuse)