crossed fingers, I'm taking a stand!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by hamsterwheel, Mar 6, 2009.

  1. hamsterwheel

    hamsterwheel New Member

    I am finally ready to admit I am an enabler. The family and I walk on eggshells trying to prevent explosions, which for obvious reasons does not work.

    I know difficult child can control herself, I have seen it. My constant pacifying has not helped one bit. I have known this all along but finally feel strong enough to put an end to it.

    It seems the family is finally getting on the same page. We have all agreed to work together on not reacting to difficult child.

    The family and I would like to sit with difficult child and let her know we will not tolerate the behavior anymore. I do not want difficult child to feel this is a personal attack, but I know, no matter how it's phrased, it will be viewed it that way.

    She refuses to acknowledge her unacceptable behavior. It's always somebody else's fault.

    I realize I am making the choice to take an equally if not more challenging path but whatever happens, certainly can not be worse than what we are dealing with now.

    I am done making excuses, done pacifying and done enabling.

    Wish me luck!
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I am wishing you all the luck in the world!
  3. ML

    ML Guest

    I too am wishing you luck. It truly is a fine balance. You have to pick your battles but at some point there invariably *is* a battle you do have to fight. And with difficult children it can get ugly. We are here to support you. Hugs, ML
  4. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    Very scary. I am nervous for you.

    Before the sit down: You know your daughter and how she is likely to react. Think through a few scenarios in your head and determine what you will do about them before hand. If she screams and does ... (fill in the blank with her most common reaction), Then we will do ... Once you implement it say calm and do not accelerate to a shouting match.

    If she gets violent or damages property call 911. If she shouts have everyone leave the house. Don't shout back. If she refuses to do her homework let her get the poor grade. If she refuses to go to school call the school and ask for a truant officer to help. Let her be responsible for her actions through natural consequences.

    Good luck!
  5. Good luck -- it's always hard to make a change. When stressed, we humans tend to go back to behaviors we're used to, even when we know they are not ideal. Hope all goes well for you!
  6. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You know, I totally understand about getting to the point where the egg shell walking is not necessarily in difficult child's or the family's best interest. Been there (while trying my best to avoid a backslide).

    Not sure though getting everyone in the family together to talk to difficult child is the right move, in my opinion. I believe she will feel cornered, attacked, and react in a defensive manner. A better solution might be for you (or whoever has the best "calm" relationship with difficult child) to sit down, preferably in neutral territory, and speak with her about it. Choose a time when she is very calm and receptive. Perhaps choose a park or a place she enjoys to be.

    Let her know that you understand she is struggling. Verify that you see she has to work that much harder to maintain and be "good". You are proud when she makes the right choice and worried when she rages. You love her very, very much no matter what.

    Getting older and maturing while still "causing a rukus" is something that you worry about for her. She will need to learn that it's ok to be angry, annoyed, and frustrated, but it's not ok to blame others for it or to rage or have a fit.

    What I believe will really help you honey is challenging you to hold it together. It's past the time to make allowances for your behaviors that we not allow from your sister. From now on, for your benefit (speaking to your daughter still) your dad and I (don't mention sis because there may be some jealousy regarding her "goodness") are going to work with you when you are feeling angry and frustrated.

    Are there some things you think will help you? Is there a place you feel comfortable and safe? What about external things that will help you like a stress ball or a picture of a favorite pet (or whatever)? What does it feel like when you begin to get angry? (these questions may help her to vocalize what she is feeling - most of our difficult children can identify the building frustration and anger - it's a matter of teaching them the options once they are old enough to recognize and make other choices)

    I think involving her in the solution and going about it in a nonconfrontational and loving way will cause her less stress. Sometimes, with our difficult children, anxiety about expectations is a big trigger.

    Let us know what you decide to do and what her reaction was.

    Good luck.