Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Curious: Was there one instant that made you detach?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 623171"><p>Yes and it wasn't a big dramatic denouement ...</p><p></p><p>Long story shorter - difficult child was a easy child until his freshman year in college. We had a lot of warning signs that year but nothing that couldn't be explained away as typical teen. He came home stoned out of his mind his first night home for the summer. We found out in August that he had signed a lease to rent an off campus apartment without our knowledge or permission and I am 100% sure he was intending to let us believe he was living in the dorms on our dime. We found a way to get him out of his dorm contract & offered to help out with the rent. H and I spent the last sunny Sunday of the season packing his things and buying things for his apartment while difficult child slept & later went to the pool with his girlfriend. A few days later, I was reformatting difficult child's hard drive at his request. (Mom can you do it before I leave? Sure and it was the day b4 he was leaving!) I found open browser pages detailing a large purchase of marijuana paraphernalia. We confronted him very nicely when he came home that night and told him we would not pay for school if he was using drugs which had been our #1 rule. He stormed out which totally caught us by surprise, moved out and went to school and his apartment anyway. He later failed out that semester but lived away, estranged from us for a year. Estrangement thawed, he moved back home December 2012, we had a good 8 months and he made plans to go to community college.</p><p></p><p>This past August, difficult child and PC19 spent easy child's last summer vacation day together. When easy child got home, I asked how it went, what they did, etc. & easy child innocently replied " Oh and I got to see difficult child's new apartment and we hung out there"... Poor easy child had no idea that we were clueless...</p><p></p><p>2 years later - almost exactly to the day - difficult child had pulled exactly the same stunt. Had leased an apartment without our knowledge, probably no intention of telling us and history started to repeat itself verbatim. He failed out mid semester but told us he was getting A's & B's, he got caught in his string of lies and he moved out for keeps a few days after Christmas (actually, just stopped coming home) and we've seen him twice since then and he is rarely in touch.</p><p></p><p>The first time - when he was 19 - difficult child's fury and anger and moving out caught us completely off guard. We really thought we would talk it out, get him into counseling and he would go to school at home for a year until he got his life under control. We never anticipated him leaving or the estrangement. We always wondered if we had handled him or the situation wrong. When he came back home at nearly age 21, we had a chance for a do over and we took it. We did everything we could to be supportive, to give him a second chance, to re establish mutual trust in our relationship. Family dinners, a car to drive, long talks at the kitchen table etc. And it was golden - he was kind and loving and nice and polite; I never saw him altered or anything. His behavior slid a little in the summer, but nothing major - just more slovenly and lots of sleeping when not working. But when we found out he had once again rented an apartment IN SECRET, I started to detach. (The apartment is nbd, it's the secrecy that was the issue.) He actually played a long for a few months, saying it was just to be close to school and he did sleep home a few nights a week to keep up the charade. When he asked to use the car to go snowboarding "after finals" and I asked to see his grades and he showed me how just 1 class had been entered (a B-) but affirmed that he had A's in the other 2, I sent him off with a smile. And then I realized he had not logged out of my computer and I found out he had failed/been dropped from the other 2 classes for failure to attend. I am guessing the B- was him passing the online final on a whim. That's was the instant the detachment really took hold. I can't say it's perfect, I can't say it's 100%, but I had to let go for my own sanity.</p><p></p><p>This man-child had a do-over. He had 2 years to learn from his mistakes and he didn't.husband and I spent those 2 years wondering all those "what if"s - and how we would change our behavior if we had a 2nd chance. And we made a conscientious decision to do just that. In many ways, our conscience is clear; we tried so hard to change the outcome. difficult child didn't do a darn thing differently. He has nothing to show for the last 3 years of his life, he is broke (we were getting overdraft notices daily until we made him change his mailing address), he is estranged from his family, he has no transportation, he lives in a crappy, "once-secret" apartment pretending he is a college kid, and he works a seasonal/dead end job with no future or benefits. But most of all - he lied to my face about EVERYTHING. It's 2011 Deja Vu. That behavior was never excusable but perhaps it was more understandable when he was 19.</p><p></p><p>He turned 22 yesterday and he is no further along in maturity or life than he was at 19. (and I couldn't reach him on his birthday, he rarely returns texts or calls even tho I pay for his phone). He is estranged from his brothers as well. Broke my heart that PC17 chose to find a new Confirmation sponsor a few weeks ago since difficult child is MIA. PC19 is home this week and I doubt that difficult child and he will see each other. In fact, difficult child called PC19, he was apparently in PC19's college town last weekend and he wanted to get together and PC19 declined. He knew difficult child would either flake and if not - he really doesn't enjoy hanging out with his brother anymore. So, maybe that was another instant - when I watched my 19 yo & 17 yo sons detach from their brother without fanfare...</p><p></p><p>We have vague plans to have dinner Friday or Saturday night so he can see P19 and we can celebrate his birthday. He has ignored my texts to pick a day & time. I am not holding my breath.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 623171"] Yes and it wasn't a big dramatic denouement ... Long story shorter - difficult child was a easy child until his freshman year in college. We had a lot of warning signs that year but nothing that couldn't be explained away as typical teen. He came home stoned out of his mind his first night home for the summer. We found out in August that he had signed a lease to rent an off campus apartment without our knowledge or permission and I am 100% sure he was intending to let us believe he was living in the dorms on our dime. We found a way to get him out of his dorm contract & offered to help out with the rent. H and I spent the last sunny Sunday of the season packing his things and buying things for his apartment while difficult child slept & later went to the pool with his girlfriend. A few days later, I was reformatting difficult child's hard drive at his request. (Mom can you do it before I leave? Sure and it was the day b4 he was leaving!) I found open browser pages detailing a large purchase of marijuana paraphernalia. We confronted him very nicely when he came home that night and told him we would not pay for school if he was using drugs which had been our #1 rule. He stormed out which totally caught us by surprise, moved out and went to school and his apartment anyway. He later failed out that semester but lived away, estranged from us for a year. Estrangement thawed, he moved back home December 2012, we had a good 8 months and he made plans to go to community college. This past August, difficult child and PC19 spent easy child's last summer vacation day together. When easy child got home, I asked how it went, what they did, etc. & easy child innocently replied " Oh and I got to see difficult child's new apartment and we hung out there"... Poor easy child had no idea that we were clueless... 2 years later - almost exactly to the day - difficult child had pulled exactly the same stunt. Had leased an apartment without our knowledge, probably no intention of telling us and history started to repeat itself verbatim. He failed out mid semester but told us he was getting A's & B's, he got caught in his string of lies and he moved out for keeps a few days after Christmas (actually, just stopped coming home) and we've seen him twice since then and he is rarely in touch. The first time - when he was 19 - difficult child's fury and anger and moving out caught us completely off guard. We really thought we would talk it out, get him into counseling and he would go to school at home for a year until he got his life under control. We never anticipated him leaving or the estrangement. We always wondered if we had handled him or the situation wrong. When he came back home at nearly age 21, we had a chance for a do over and we took it. We did everything we could to be supportive, to give him a second chance, to re establish mutual trust in our relationship. Family dinners, a car to drive, long talks at the kitchen table etc. And it was golden - he was kind and loving and nice and polite; I never saw him altered or anything. His behavior slid a little in the summer, but nothing major - just more slovenly and lots of sleeping when not working. But when we found out he had once again rented an apartment IN SECRET, I started to detach. (The apartment is nbd, it's the secrecy that was the issue.) He actually played a long for a few months, saying it was just to be close to school and he did sleep home a few nights a week to keep up the charade. When he asked to use the car to go snowboarding "after finals" and I asked to see his grades and he showed me how just 1 class had been entered (a B-) but affirmed that he had A's in the other 2, I sent him off with a smile. And then I realized he had not logged out of my computer and I found out he had failed/been dropped from the other 2 classes for failure to attend. I am guessing the B- was him passing the online final on a whim. That's was the instant the detachment really took hold. I can't say it's perfect, I can't say it's 100%, but I had to let go for my own sanity. This man-child had a do-over. He had 2 years to learn from his mistakes and he didn't.husband and I spent those 2 years wondering all those "what if"s - and how we would change our behavior if we had a 2nd chance. And we made a conscientious decision to do just that. In many ways, our conscience is clear; we tried so hard to change the outcome. difficult child didn't do a darn thing differently. He has nothing to show for the last 3 years of his life, he is broke (we were getting overdraft notices daily until we made him change his mailing address), he is estranged from his family, he has no transportation, he lives in a crappy, "once-secret" apartment pretending he is a college kid, and he works a seasonal/dead end job with no future or benefits. But most of all - he lied to my face about EVERYTHING. It's 2011 Deja Vu. That behavior was never excusable but perhaps it was more understandable when he was 19. He turned 22 yesterday and he is no further along in maturity or life than he was at 19. (and I couldn't reach him on his birthday, he rarely returns texts or calls even tho I pay for his phone). He is estranged from his brothers as well. Broke my heart that PC17 chose to find a new Confirmation sponsor a few weeks ago since difficult child is MIA. PC19 is home this week and I doubt that difficult child and he will see each other. In fact, difficult child called PC19, he was apparently in PC19's college town last weekend and he wanted to get together and PC19 declined. He knew difficult child would either flake and if not - he really doesn't enjoy hanging out with his brother anymore. So, maybe that was another instant - when I watched my 19 yo & 17 yo sons detach from their brother without fanfare... We have vague plans to have dinner Friday or Saturday night so he can see P19 and we can celebrate his birthday. He has ignored my texts to pick a day & time. I am not holding my breath. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Curious: Was there one instant that made you detach?
Top