Cutting off family & trying to quiet my brain


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Anyone who is a Christian should maybe read and do A Course in Miracles! It is life-changing and really not that much about religion. But it requires the belief that Jesus was very special. You do not need to think he was God. Or you CAN think so too.


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Wise and Copa,
Thank you for teaching me self-care. I will use your beautiful words. It has painted a picture of a world with peace that I can achieve. I have never meditated, not sure how, but I will research it.

I called mom and moved our visit up to tomorrow to lessen the anxiousness of the wait. She mentioned that brother "doesn't know what he's going to do after Christmas " and hit her up for $1600 for a truck. She wanted my advice on what to do because she doesn't have the money to give him.

I practiced self care! My response was "hope he figures it out, I'll say a prayer for him " and changed the subject. I told her she sounded cheerful and couldn't wait to see her tomorrow!

And now I'm going to figure out how to meditate!
Perfect response! Leaving the problem where it belongs (with your brother), being kind to Mom (who needs Al-anon) and modeling for Mom how she can chose to respond to your brother as well if she wanted to find healthier ways of relating. You are a power of example!


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And now I'm going to figure out how to meditate!
There should be all kinds of groups and instruction on the internet, similar to this. There are forms of meditation that are not faith-based. One of these is called "relaxation response." I just checked and there are youtube videos and articles online.

Actually, I'm in an online group on Facebook. We meditate together and there is instruction. It's people mainly from the United States but also some from Europe. It is based in my faith which has a tradition of meditation. There is also spiritual teaching. I love it so much. Be well.


Well-Known Member
My husband has been driving the same car for 14 years. It has 279k miles. We bought a truck yesterday. It was a nice distraction, he was so appreciative and our girls had such fun. We went to look at Christmas lights. It was a bright day!

We are up early to go to mom's but will wait 3 hours to wake the girls. No need to subject them to more than a couple of hours visit!!

Hope you all have a merry Christmas!


Well-Known Member

It went ok at mom's. Brother was irritated and standoffish because he wasn't drinking. I'm assuming he was told to wait until I leave. He was only rude once, letting us know he helped cook all day (which he didn't).

We left and were relieved that it went ok. Later that night mom called to say that he had drank a six pack and was angry because she wouldn't buy more. Mind you, he doesn't work. All alcohol and cigarettes are purchased by her.

They argued and he told her if she would give him $100, he would leave and get out of her life. She gave him the $100.

She called me to say she was afraid he would kill himself because it was Christmas.

Ok guys, I did NOT handle this well. I blew up and told my mom that I was really relieved that he was out, without violence (last time he was kicked out, he got in mom and dad face and pushed mom). Hince, the earlier enabling to remove him, so she could get well.

Excuse the rambling and venting, I'm a lot right now. Sorry for being a handful. I didn't sleep and am angry that I allowed myself to get sucked in.

I'm very angry for several reasons, but the biggest is because while she was ill, after being kicked out, staying in a mom-paid-for motel, he ended up in a mental institution. Her only concern was that we all make sure we visit him and bring him money for the vending machines. I told her I had my hands full caretaking for her and dad, so she had my cousin doing it-weekly. That's not the part I'm mad about. The thing is, she asked my cousin to set up a trust for him and when he had that knowledge, he took the money and signed himself out. He was perfectly fine, roof over his head, sober and she gave him the opportunity to leave.

The second reason um angry is similar. As she was recovering, when I chose to get him out of there (food, shelter, transportation, mhmr appointments and paid for his prescriptions) she undid it AGAIN.

my son let him stay in his apartment, with only one expectation- get a job. He only mentioned to him one time, to try harder to get a job. My son came home to the key on the counter and a text saying he was moving in with my mom. He wasn't even asked to leave.

Mom sent him $100 so he took a bus to her for Christmas. Mom and brother know full well he wasn't going to leave her home.

I couldn't sleep last night because, it's easy to cut him off, he is making horrible choices, but I feel (temporarily) to remove the stress, I will have to not take her calls.

I can't continue to let this control my every thought. I blocked my entire family (not my hubby and kids) this morning and shut down my social media. This seems drastic but necessary.

Of course, the guilt has found a comfy spot, not eating, or sleeping , chest pains.

I'm going to try to make the best of today. I'm going to clean our my closets and food prep for the week to make sure I eat healthy. I'm going to find an alanon meeting ( haven't been in years) and just listen. I'm going to push all thoughts and talk of my brother and mom away. Just today.

I will also check out the meditation stuff. Sorry for the rant. I re-read all of your posts and fully plan to attempt self care today.


100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
I am so sorry for what you are dealing with Jmom.

I am estranged from my sister - long story. She is 73 and the oldest (half sister by another father) and I am the youngest at 58. She is a good person but damaged from a bad childhood - our mother was an alcoholic and my sister was raised in foster homes and had a lot of bad things happen, never got counseling etc. We had a falling out about 4 years ago due to my son's addiction and an event where my husband got angry with her and it just blew up and never got fixed and I didn't have the strength to try to fix it since I had my hands full dealing with our son. She was being a narcissist to the nth degree.

I spoke to a therapist about my relationship with her when I was seeing her for my relationship with our son.

Basically I just wanted to add here what gave ME comfort is realizing that I do LOVE my sister. I always have and I always will. However I don't know if I will ever see her again because now I live thousands of miles away from her and I just can't mentally go back to the event that brought us to this point. It's too painful and I want to live in peace with OUR family (my husband and former Difficult Child here and our two boys in Chicago). She wants an apology from my husband but he felt she was at fault (left pain pills out and my son got them yet she doesn't feel she is responsible in any way). What my husband said to her wasn't even very bad! I can't fix it. We can't fix everything. But we can kill ourselves trying.

I lost my mother at 15 and if she were still here I'd have a relationship with her no matter what but it would be on MY terms. I would go to therapy to find a way to do this that didn't hurt me though. I don't know how I'd do it without someone guiding me on how to love her with boundaries. I agree with the others that you won't be able to change how she is with your brother. That won't change I believe.

Cyber Hugs.

Tanya M

Living with an attitude of gratitude
Staff member
Sorry for the rant. I re-read all of your posts and fully plan to attempt self care today.
JMom, you never have to apologize for sharing/ranting/venting, that is what this site is for.

I think you are doing great! Sure, you've had a lot to deal with and of course we can always have 20/20 hindsight - the old "I should have or I shouldn't have". Sometimes we just react with our emotions instead of thinking things through first. It's okay. What is really important in all of this is you recognize you need to practice self care. I think it's good you have shut down social media for a while. Nothing wrong with taking a break. Stay focused on your self care. We are heading into a New Year and that is always a good time to reevaluate our priorities.


Well-Known Member
Thanks all! I left phone off this morning and drankn2 cups of coffee (usually only have time for 1/2) and cleaned out closets. I made $72 selling stuff online by 10 am.

Went to lunch with hubby and shopping. It was fun. We rarely ever shop or get alone time. It was fantastic.

I turned phone on around 1 and checked on mom. She hadn't heard from brother, so she was good.

I feel at peace . Thanks for hanging in there with me!