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Parent Emeritus
Cutting off family & trying to quiet my brain
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 754396" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Oh JMom, I'm so sorry for this heartache. </p><p>The easy answer is "we cannot control what others do", the hard part about this answer is accepting it and not attaching our emotions to it. </p><p>Your mom has chosen over the years to continue to enable her son, your brother. While you may never know or understand her reasons for enabling him, it was her choice to make. I think most people enable out of guilt and fear, it affords them peace of mind knowing that their loved one is "taken care of".</p><p>It's not easy to cut someone off when we operate on emotions of fear and guilt. Self care is something that we all should practice but can be a foreign concept. As mothers and just being a woman in general, we are wired to be care givers, to take care of others. I'm not saying that anyone should stop being a care giver but it needs to be done in a manner that does not deplete us of our energy. The only way this can be done is through self reflection and soul searching. We must first recognize that WE matter too. We then must recognize that which is not healthy for us, people who can be toxic. We have to set clear boundaries. It can feel wrong to start self care, to take your own life and put it first. </p><p>I hope your mom and dad both have many more years but the reality of life is the day will come when they are no longer here. You can only do what you can live with. If you feel you will regret not spending Christmas with them then I say go. You don't have to stay for the whole day, just long enough to let your mom and dad know you love them. At this point your mom is not likely to change her enabling behavior. If you really are ready to cut them both off then do it without regret. Keep it all in perspective, the holiday season can bring about so much emotion. The perception of what the holidays should look like is not reality. Sure, it would be great if the holidays were like a Hallmark movie but in reality they just aren't. </p><p>The only way to quiet your mind is to make peace with whatever decision you choose. </p><p>I wish you the very best as you work through this. ((HUGS))..................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 754396, member: 18516"] Oh JMom, I'm so sorry for this heartache. The easy answer is "we cannot control what others do", the hard part about this answer is accepting it and not attaching our emotions to it. Your mom has chosen over the years to continue to enable her son, your brother. While you may never know or understand her reasons for enabling him, it was her choice to make. I think most people enable out of guilt and fear, it affords them peace of mind knowing that their loved one is "taken care of". It's not easy to cut someone off when we operate on emotions of fear and guilt. Self care is something that we all should practice but can be a foreign concept. As mothers and just being a woman in general, we are wired to be care givers, to take care of others. I'm not saying that anyone should stop being a care giver but it needs to be done in a manner that does not deplete us of our energy. The only way this can be done is through self reflection and soul searching. We must first recognize that WE matter too. We then must recognize that which is not healthy for us, people who can be toxic. We have to set clear boundaries. It can feel wrong to start self care, to take your own life and put it first. I hope your mom and dad both have many more years but the reality of life is the day will come when they are no longer here. You can only do what you can live with. If you feel you will regret not spending Christmas with them then I say go. You don't have to stay for the whole day, just long enough to let your mom and dad know you love them. At this point your mom is not likely to change her enabling behavior. If you really are ready to cut them both off then do it without regret. Keep it all in perspective, the holiday season can bring about so much emotion. The perception of what the holidays should look like is not reality. Sure, it would be great if the holidays were like a Hallmark movie but in reality they just aren't. The only way to quiet your mind is to make peace with whatever decision you choose. I wish you the very best as you work through this. ((HUGS)).................. [/QUOTE]
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Cutting off family & trying to quiet my brain
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