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Cutting off family & trying to quiet my brain
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<blockquote data-quote="WiseChoices" data-source="post: 754412" data-attributes="member: 24254"><p>This has been a good thread, and I have enjoyed reading all the different perspectives here. I have been mulling this situation over - </p><p></p><p>It sounds to me that you may feel angry at your brother and your Mom for how they chose to conduct their relationship. And I feel like Copa explained that you can chose to let that go and focus on your own business. You have a relationship with your Mom, and a relationship with your brother, separately. </p><p></p><p>What you did for your Mom, purposefully enabling your brother, so she can have a quiet, peaceful space to recover in was an act of love, a huge gift ! This speaks to a lot of love you hold for your Mom. And her not wanting you to know that your brother will be there at Christmas , because she wants you to be there speaks of a lot of love as well. It sounds like your actions made a huge contribution to your Mom's recovery. You may have saved her life. This is a lot to celebrate and to try and enjoy each other. </p><p></p><p>While I understand why people have to cut off loved ones, psychologically speaking , we stay enmeshed when we cut off (Murray Bowen Family Theory). An excellent book I am reading is "Growing yourself up" by Jenny Brown. In order for me to act like a healthy adult, I can learn (if I chose to) to stay connected while setting appropriate boundaries for myself and taking care of myself within the relationship. This allows me to become a fully self differientiated person, and to exist within my family system as a separate yet connected (not enmeshed) being .</p><p></p><p>Since you did not mention your brother being physically or emotionally violent towards you, a cut off (to protect yourself) does not seem necessary even though you obviously can still chose to do so if you want to. Recognizing that your brother is sick (not bad) and leaving his disease for him to deal with, you can chose to treat him with the respect and dignity you would bring to any adult human being. </p><p></p><p>Life changes so quickly and so drastically. Maybe I am in a mushy Christmas spirit , but I think enjoying our loved ones (when possible without any real harm to us) , accepting them in their sickness (alcoholism, enabling) and letting it be what it is (since I am powerless over it anyways) , and bringing understanding and encouragement to them while modeling mental health is a huge gift I can bring to the table for the few hours I chose to be present with them .</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WiseChoices, post: 754412, member: 24254"] This has been a good thread, and I have enjoyed reading all the different perspectives here. I have been mulling this situation over - It sounds to me that you may feel angry at your brother and your Mom for how they chose to conduct their relationship. And I feel like Copa explained that you can chose to let that go and focus on your own business. You have a relationship with your Mom, and a relationship with your brother, separately. What you did for your Mom, purposefully enabling your brother, so she can have a quiet, peaceful space to recover in was an act of love, a huge gift ! This speaks to a lot of love you hold for your Mom. And her not wanting you to know that your brother will be there at Christmas , because she wants you to be there speaks of a lot of love as well. It sounds like your actions made a huge contribution to your Mom's recovery. You may have saved her life. This is a lot to celebrate and to try and enjoy each other. While I understand why people have to cut off loved ones, psychologically speaking , we stay enmeshed when we cut off (Murray Bowen Family Theory). An excellent book I am reading is "Growing yourself up" by Jenny Brown. In order for me to act like a healthy adult, I can learn (if I chose to) to stay connected while setting appropriate boundaries for myself and taking care of myself within the relationship. This allows me to become a fully self differientiated person, and to exist within my family system as a separate yet connected (not enmeshed) being . Since you did not mention your brother being physically or emotionally violent towards you, a cut off (to protect yourself) does not seem necessary even though you obviously can still chose to do so if you want to. Recognizing that your brother is sick (not bad) and leaving his disease for him to deal with, you can chose to treat him with the respect and dignity you would bring to any adult human being. Life changes so quickly and so drastically. Maybe I am in a mushy Christmas spirit , but I think enjoying our loved ones (when possible without any real harm to us) , accepting them in their sickness (alcoholism, enabling) and letting it be what it is (since I am powerless over it anyways) , and bringing understanding and encouragement to them while modeling mental health is a huge gift I can bring to the table for the few hours I chose to be present with them . [/QUOTE]
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