Steely,
I watched the man on television Sunday morning. I know, I know - I'm not prone to watching televangelists either, but it was interesting for a change. He was talking about anger and depression. So it peeked my interest. I took notes (no really I did).
Actually I left them out on the table for a sleeping Dude and his BFF - who also has anger issues. They both (to my surprise read what I had written - but had not "meant
" for them to see) - I know I felt so clever.
Anyway ONE of the things this man talked about was when we can't talk to the person that we need to talk to we should go get a chair and sit across from that empty chair and talk as if that person were sitting right there. I kinda chuckled because I have done this for years and years....and years. I learned this from the very first counselor I ever saw when I was around 12 or so for anger issues. I have conversations with loads of people I can't physically talk to for whatever reason - and a lot of times it's almost more helpful than if they were there. Can't explain the WHY behind it - but all I can tell you is that before you allow yourself the depression and the sadness and the moodiness that not speaking to Matthew brings you - Pull up a chair and have a conversation with his "essence" - sounds....nuts...but what have you got to loose? IT would work with H too. Probably even better - because you need to tell her you forgive her and let that part of your sadness go. You need to ask her to forgive you for being angry with her too. Same with Matthew. Ask him to forgive you for being so angry with him when you can talk to him....and let it go at that. When you are able.
I think about a lot of the people that I've been so angry at for so long in my life and when I sat and talked to them? It really helped. They didn't really need to be face to face with me....I just needed to get my words out and have my ears hear it. It's not as nuts as you think it sounds....and yeah - you can laugh at first.....(the lady with the sexy jeep in her condo talking to the empty chair has the cheese completely slid off her cracker?) YOU bet....but....tomorrow? She'll have purged a lot of garbage in her mind. AND feel better. (about a pound lighter in cheese too)
Anyway - maybe what I saw wasn't necessarily for me....maybe it was for me to see and remind me to tell you that it's worth a shot. ANYTHING has to be better than sitting in your house worrying about impending doom and sadness. I hope it helps.
Hugs
Star....
(oh and word to the wise? If that chair talks back? GET out of that house and MOVE) like the wind.
