Cybersex

[Crystal72]

Here I am wondering why my 11 years old aspie has gotten physical aggressive and became vulgar.
I even started to think there is something wrong with me especially the psychiatrist says it could be my mental health that is causing me to see everything grey.

Whenever he doesn't get his computer, he gets aggressive. He swore at me. This is a child who never swear. He locked himself in the bath for hours till water leaked out of the bathroom. Our water bill increased 65% the last quarter.

I hacked into his Facebook page and found out he is having cybersex, watching porn and he apparently is doing himself a lot in the bath. As he claimed 6x ???

Any parent has this experience? Or advice?

I have not cOnfronted him yet.

 

[keista]

I had a similar experience, but for me it was very different. My son was 14, and he never got aggressive, and he was mature and responsible, and came and confessed to me, and stopped in about 6 months.

I'm sorry, I don't really have advice. I can say that this kind of exploration is NORMAL. HOWEVER the fact that he gets aggressive when he's "cut off" from his pleasure sources, is a serious problem. I would certainly bring it up with a therapist. The reality is, that viewing porn for him is ILLEGAL. Now that you know about it, actively allowing it is illegal as well.

 

[Crystal72]

Nope now I know about it, it would be over my dead body to allowing it. It's not that I am hurt cos he got aggressive. It's not cos I don't understand this is normal for puberty kids or basically kids! It's the fact that it's my 11 years old. It's illegal and it's dangerous and it's SICK!

 

[InsaneCdn]

Crystal...

Different take on this.

I'm guessing he has MORE issues than you know about - haven't gotten to the bottom of the diagnosis list yet. If so, your difficult child may have given up on making it through life by normal channels, and is trying to survive on adrenalin and other such...

Treat it as a red flag... but don't treat it as a sexuality problem.

There are a whole STRING of other dxes that frequently to with ADHD - like to the tune of 50-70% of ADHD kids having any ONE additional diagnosis... chances are sky-high. LDs. Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD). Auditory Processing Disorders (APD). - those three are the most common.

And on top of that - if there are undiagnosed other issues, their existance and not being dealt with piles on depression, anxiety and detachment. All of which come out as behavior problems.

 

[AnnieO]

Crystal... HUGS.

First off... Bathroom, tween/teen, and boy. Hormonally normal. THIS, I wouldn't worry about. (Even girls, too.)

Online? Is a worry. But - I would be less concerned about the sexual aspect, and more concerned with the addiction aspect. My husband and son are addicted to video games - but the spell can be broken without violence. My XH, though, was addicted to the online stuff - going so far as to PAY for it - to the exclusion of his wife. Now, there is a HUGE difference between an adult, and your son - but I found out - he had been shamed by his mother as a tween/teen. And so he had issues with ALL women, so he preferred the fantasy.

The whole hormonal, experimentation thing is normal. 100%. The online, not so much. But I agree that there is something underlying it. I don't think this is the actual problem, but rather a symptom.

 

[DammitJanet]

Along with those issues InsanceCdn mentioned, Bipolar with its accompanying hyper-sexuality come to my mind. If this post doesnt bring my son to some of the older members post, I will be very surprised. It is basically the same type of post I wrote when I first came to this board 12 years ago. My son was also hitting the internet and then doing the deed. I dont remember if he was all that aggressive but he was extremely hard to stop. I know when we put him in the psychiatric hospital one time at 13, the psychiatrist told us that he was actually amazed because they caught him on camera doing it 10 x in the 4 hours it took for them to do the complete transfer of him in. And that was after he had been awake all night in the ER!

Now I have no idea if this will put your mind to ease or not. My son quit even wanting to look at anything online once he got his first real girlfriend. As he put it, why look at 2 D when you can have 3D.

 

[Crystal72]

Crystal...
What's
Different take on this.

I'm guessing he has MORE issues than you know about - haven't gotten to the bottom of the diagnosis list yet. If so, your difficult child may have given up on making it through life by normal channels, and is trying to survive on adrenalin and other such...

Treat it as a red flag... but don't treat it as a sexuality problem.

There are a whole STRING of other dxes that frequently to with ADHD - like to the tune of 50-70% of ADHD kids having any ONE additional diagnosis... chances are sky-high. LDs. Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD). Auditory Processing Disorders (APD). - those three are the most common.

And on top of that - if there are undiagnosed other issues, their existance and not being dealt with piles on depression, anxiety and detachment. All of which come out as behavior problems.

What's Learning Disability (LD), Auditory Processing Disorders (APD),Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD)?

 

[AnnieO]

If you hover your mouse over the underlined stuff (in most cases) it will pop up. Learning Disability (LD) = Learning Disability, Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD) = Developmental Coordination Disorder, Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) = Auditory Processing Disorder.

Our kids are alphabet soup.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Our kids are alphabet soup.

And we get REALLY tired of typing out the long forms of these dxes...
After you've been on the board for a while, most of the short forms become second nature.

 

[Crystal72]

I finally have some services and I would be looking into these. Thing is I have a psychiatrist that thinks its all my mental health that is causing me to see the negative.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Crystal -
You probably need a new psychiatrist.
Or at least a therapist to go with, so that the therapist can tell the psychiatrist off.

We've had to do that... difficult child's therapist had to literally put letters of diagnosis in front of the psychiatrist and get psychiatrist to sign... in order for us to get the services we needed from school.

 

[AnnieO]

Hon... Your mental state isn't being helped by an Aspie with additional stressors. So yes, you're seeing the negative. You're human.

If you stop and think, and can come up with some positives - then you're fine, just STRESSED. Probably depressed too - been there done that. The psychiatrist may or may not be right, but also, may only be partially right.

 

[Crystal72]

therapist is therapist??
I m so exhausted with these

 

[AnnieO]

Yup. Trust me - I've seen them so much for the last 2 1/2 years, now I talk with them. Drives my family bonkers.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Brief list... of the ones we use daily...
doctor = doctor
therapist = talk-doctor i.e. therapist
psychiatrist = psychiatric-doctor i.e. psychiatrist
been there done that = been there done that (direct experience)
SD = school division
difficult child = your challenging kid (there's a whole history behind that term)
mother in law, father in law, etc. = in-laws, mother in law is mother in law, etc.
husband = hubby
X = ex-spouse
daughter, DS = daughter, son
rx = prescription (standard medical short-form)
diagnosis = diagnosis

You WILL catch on... we don't require you to use them, either.

 

[Crystal72]

I m so thankful of the support here

 

[DammitJanet]

Crystal, I dont know if you have noticed the signatures at the bottom of most of our posts but they list our names or pseudo-names and some of our disorders or phsyical illnesses. Some of also list medications we take. I am one of those people. I have a ton of pysch issues as well as phsyical stuff going on and no one blamed me for my kids stuff, at least to my face. Maybe some thought some of it was passed down genetically and I will agree with that. I probably wasnt the best parent...oh heck, I know for sure I wasnt the best parent. I tried. I did so so. Got better with time.

If you have doctors that are blaming you straight off the bat for issues that are happening with your kids, then I think you need to find a new doctor. While I dont think kids can be placed upon the alter of the therapist and be said "fix him!" I also dont think it can all be one or the other.

 

[Crystal72]

I understand. I have the gateway counsellor talk to the psychiatrist. Now I have to confront my son about the cyber thing

 

[buddy]

Just adding my hello and glad you are here! As you have heard here 11 IS a normal age for this stuff. Kids are developing younger. Yes, the internet stuff is upsetting but in my opinion, not sick. The Aspie (plus whatever else, anxiety or obsessive compulsive or addiction) stuff makes him not see that it is socially inappropriate at this point. I would for sure put the brakes on the internet porn stuff because it is not appropriate for a child, and help him to develop an appropriate healthy view about sex. Talk to the therapist once you have that set up with someone you can trust. If it was me, I'd be careful to separate his using the internet for grown up things separate from his sexuality as was mentioned earlier because shame can really affect his healthy development. Kids with Aspergers often need to be directly taught the specific rules in life because they just dont pick up those subtle things. Now that it is a habit of his, changing the routine may be really hard. It may be that there are other issues, or it may be that he is just an Aspie who gets really locked into his "special interest". You will feel better when you talk to him and to a therapist you can trust I hope. I think any of us who is willing to research and ask peers is a good parent so give youself a pat on the back for looking for good answers. Let us know how it goes. You are not alone.

 

[Crystal72]

Let me know if this work.
I m going to sit down with him to let him know I found out what he was doing. I want to let him know it's dangerous and inappropriate but it normal for kids his age to do that.
But before we can work out something? He Needs to do his homework at the dining area.

Does this work ? Then whets the next step!