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Daughter 24 stole from me
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 680251" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>i agree with every word that insane wrote. i am a highly responsible almost old woman. I have a buying problem too. while i have not stolen from anybody i have stolen resources from myself. your daughter has a problem. she has made it yours. she must fix it.</p><p></p><p>i think i might go to an attorney to ask what is the statute of limitations. as a condition for not going to the police now, i would require that she write a written confession. i would stipulate in the document that you will not go to the police only if she obtains treatment and repays the stolen amount. I would negotiate a repayment schedule and I think I would have a neutral person enforce it. not you.</p><p></p><p>you have some complicity in this. (believe me I am not judging you. I screw up so much it is not even funny.) the money should not have been in the house. because what happened is that it appealed to the worst instincts of people you love. </p><p></p><p>these things happen. i remember i worked with a woman who was a friend. she was close to 40 at the time. her mother gave her 10k to hold for her. that was in 1977 or so when that was a lot of money. at that time I was into stocks. the woman invested in one of my stock picks. through that she fell prey to the stock broker who encouraged her to play stock options (higher commissions.) the woman invested all of her mother's money and lost it all. Luckily, she and her husband (an artist and professor) had good jobs. I guess she eventually replaced the money but I did not ever ask. </p><p></p><p>all of us have weaknesses that can bite us. it is how we respond.our job as parents is to support our children to grow in their responses, their self-knowledge and their control. </p><p></p><p>their use to be a twelve step group called debtors anonymous. if you live near a metro area, there might be a group. internet shopping is highly addictive. I have gotten control. I hope. this is not the first time in my life i have used buying as a means to console myself. i truly understand how your daughter could have gotten herself in this mess, although I do not understand the piece of it, about the theft. the issue about pressing charges is not in the main important becaus of the issue of your relationship. it is important because it is a pivot point.</p><p></p><p>she has an illness of sorts. but in the service of this illness she committed a felonious crime. to forgive the crime is to support her addiction, her illness. so you cannot, to my way of thinking, take away the consequences of breaking the law. </p><p></p><p>the more I think about it, I might decide to inform the police. not that she be punished but that she be held responsible. I would at least have that on the table when i go to the attorney. but there is no way that i would hold responsibility of absolving her of consequences of having committed a felony. that would be the worst possible outcome for her.</p><p></p><p>i remember once i was in university. for one reason or another i had a run of checkered grades. I went to a counselor and asked him if there was a way to erase the bad record. (I do not know where I came up with that idea but i seemed to think there was a chance.)</p><p></p><p>I will never forget his response (over 40 years ago.) He said, "i cannot do that and I do not think you would want me to." (I remember thinking: Oh yes I would.) He added: those failures are every bit as important and valuable to you as any success would be.</p><p></p><p>it took me years to understand. but i do so now.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter must be held responsible. for her own good.</p><p></p><p>I am so glad you are here with us. You are doing so, so good. this is really hard stuff. do we know it. I hope you keep posting. take care. (I really do feel for your daughter.) Posting to you has helped me understand my own situation a little better. that is how it works. </p><p></p><p>copa</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 680251, member: 18958"] i agree with every word that insane wrote. i am a highly responsible almost old woman. I have a buying problem too. while i have not stolen from anybody i have stolen resources from myself. your daughter has a problem. she has made it yours. she must fix it. i think i might go to an attorney to ask what is the statute of limitations. as a condition for not going to the police now, i would require that she write a written confession. i would stipulate in the document that you will not go to the police only if she obtains treatment and repays the stolen amount. I would negotiate a repayment schedule and I think I would have a neutral person enforce it. not you. you have some complicity in this. (believe me I am not judging you. I screw up so much it is not even funny.) the money should not have been in the house. because what happened is that it appealed to the worst instincts of people you love. these things happen. i remember i worked with a woman who was a friend. she was close to 40 at the time. her mother gave her 10k to hold for her. that was in 1977 or so when that was a lot of money. at that time I was into stocks. the woman invested in one of my stock picks. through that she fell prey to the stock broker who encouraged her to play stock options (higher commissions.) the woman invested all of her mother's money and lost it all. Luckily, she and her husband (an artist and professor) had good jobs. I guess she eventually replaced the money but I did not ever ask. all of us have weaknesses that can bite us. it is how we respond.our job as parents is to support our children to grow in their responses, their self-knowledge and their control. their use to be a twelve step group called debtors anonymous. if you live near a metro area, there might be a group. internet shopping is highly addictive. I have gotten control. I hope. this is not the first time in my life i have used buying as a means to console myself. i truly understand how your daughter could have gotten herself in this mess, although I do not understand the piece of it, about the theft. the issue about pressing charges is not in the main important becaus of the issue of your relationship. it is important because it is a pivot point. she has an illness of sorts. but in the service of this illness she committed a felonious crime. to forgive the crime is to support her addiction, her illness. so you cannot, to my way of thinking, take away the consequences of breaking the law. the more I think about it, I might decide to inform the police. not that she be punished but that she be held responsible. I would at least have that on the table when i go to the attorney. but there is no way that i would hold responsibility of absolving her of consequences of having committed a felony. that would be the worst possible outcome for her. i remember once i was in university. for one reason or another i had a run of checkered grades. I went to a counselor and asked him if there was a way to erase the bad record. (I do not know where I came up with that idea but i seemed to think there was a chance.) I will never forget his response (over 40 years ago.) He said, "i cannot do that and I do not think you would want me to." (I remember thinking: Oh yes I would.) He added: those failures are every bit as important and valuable to you as any success would be. it took me years to understand. but i do so now. Your daughter must be held responsible. for her own good. I am so glad you are here with us. You are doing so, so good. this is really hard stuff. do we know it. I hope you keep posting. take care. (I really do feel for your daughter.) Posting to you has helped me understand my own situation a little better. that is how it works. copa [/QUOTE]
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