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Daughter and Christmas
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 705342" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Is it possible that the only way she knows how to communicate is by complaining? Or that she doesn't realize that she is complaining? At one point I was very very depressed and didn't realize it. My mother looked at me one day and commented that she hadn't heard me say anything positive in over two weeks and we had been doing things together most of those days. She thought I needed to talk to my doctor because it was VERY out of character for me. Snarky comments and sarcastic funny/punny comments were not uncommon, but just negative or complaining comments for so long, with nothing nice or positive to anyone was NOT common. </p><p></p><p>My mom was 100% right. I was depressed. Partly because of things going on with my son and my marriage, partly due to health problems, and partly due to a medication I was on. A doctor put me on valium and apparently it makes me incredibly depressed. I wasn't even reading anything. That is TOTALLY out of character - scary out of character. My husband was worried I was suicidal because I had not finished a book in 2 weeks and usually I finish one in 2-3 hours. I spoke to my doctors, I changed medications and things got a LOT better.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if this is her problem. She could be like one of my great aunts. Great Aunt R never said a nice word to anyone other than 'Aren't you getting big' as she squeezed your cheek hard enough to bruise it. She was the ugliest person I ever met personality wise. The day my Great Grandma died she threw a tantrum. Why? Great Gma didn't buy great Aunt R a white dress for her confirmation back during the depression some 60+ years before. She was THAT kind of person.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if your daughter is that type. I think maybe coming home is just hard for her. It is for some people. Maybe if you talked about it, asked her what you could BOTH do so that the complaining wouldn't be there the next holiday season, so the drama/conflama wouldn't be there? Maybe she doesn't want to be there for the holidays, maybe she would rather be somewhere else and just wants permission to be with friends? If so, give it. Send some smaller gifts, maybe a gift card and your love, wish her well and tell her you will see her another time. </p><p></p><p>Holidays are a LOT of pressure. Not everyone handles it well. Some years I do, some years I don't. This year I think I did well. I know my mom was happier than she had been in years. That was important to me. But you can make ANY time a family holiday if Christmas has too much stress and expectation. Pick a time to get together and do photos then, and do Christmas without her if she doesn't want to be there. Enjoy the holiday that you all choose, and also enjoy Christmas without the complaining from her.</p><p></p><p>As my mom once put it = Holidays are when family is all together, not on a special day the greeting card company picked.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 705342, member: 1233"] Is it possible that the only way she knows how to communicate is by complaining? Or that she doesn't realize that she is complaining? At one point I was very very depressed and didn't realize it. My mother looked at me one day and commented that she hadn't heard me say anything positive in over two weeks and we had been doing things together most of those days. She thought I needed to talk to my doctor because it was VERY out of character for me. Snarky comments and sarcastic funny/punny comments were not uncommon, but just negative or complaining comments for so long, with nothing nice or positive to anyone was NOT common. My mom was 100% right. I was depressed. Partly because of things going on with my son and my marriage, partly due to health problems, and partly due to a medication I was on. A doctor put me on valium and apparently it makes me incredibly depressed. I wasn't even reading anything. That is TOTALLY out of character - scary out of character. My husband was worried I was suicidal because I had not finished a book in 2 weeks and usually I finish one in 2-3 hours. I spoke to my doctors, I changed medications and things got a LOT better. I don't know if this is her problem. She could be like one of my great aunts. Great Aunt R never said a nice word to anyone other than 'Aren't you getting big' as she squeezed your cheek hard enough to bruise it. She was the ugliest person I ever met personality wise. The day my Great Grandma died she threw a tantrum. Why? Great Gma didn't buy great Aunt R a white dress for her confirmation back during the depression some 60+ years before. She was THAT kind of person. I don't know if your daughter is that type. I think maybe coming home is just hard for her. It is for some people. Maybe if you talked about it, asked her what you could BOTH do so that the complaining wouldn't be there the next holiday season, so the drama/conflama wouldn't be there? Maybe she doesn't want to be there for the holidays, maybe she would rather be somewhere else and just wants permission to be with friends? If so, give it. Send some smaller gifts, maybe a gift card and your love, wish her well and tell her you will see her another time. Holidays are a LOT of pressure. Not everyone handles it well. Some years I do, some years I don't. This year I think I did well. I know my mom was happier than she had been in years. That was important to me. But you can make ANY time a family holiday if Christmas has too much stress and expectation. Pick a time to get together and do photos then, and do Christmas without her if she doesn't want to be there. Enjoy the holiday that you all choose, and also enjoy Christmas without the complaining from her. As my mom once put it = Holidays are when family is all together, not on a special day the greeting card company picked. [/QUOTE]
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