Daughter attended one week of college

[Warrior Worrier]

I have a brilliant and talented eighteen year old daughter who was in a small buddist high school for three years living with relatives in another state. At that school she flourished with meditation and martial arts and the rigor or their schedule. She was super excited abut attending a small art college and visited and enrolled in one in another state, a bit closer to us her family.

But in-between then she stayed with her 24 year old sister for six weeks, and I think started using a lot of pot, and going downhill. She went off to college and begged to be allowed to come back after just one week, saying she didn't like it and had made a mistake.

Now she is back to living in the studio with her sister, fighting with each other Im afraid, not answering my texts, smoking too much pot again, and trying with difficulty and I think very low self confidence to get a job. She seems to not leave the house most of the time.

She won't reply to my texts and Im deeply worried for her. I have stage four cancer, and desperately want to see her more and see her thrive. She seems depressed and confused about her future, and unable to handle a regular school after the very alternative nature of her previous two schools. ADVISE???? Up in arms here and sick with worry about her, my tow daughters relationship, her mental health, her future, how we can best support her without enabling her.

 

[mof]

She seems to be suffering from quite a bit anxiety. Perhaps school was to much to handle managing on her own. Her High school basically told her where to be etc...they get to college and feel lost.

Welcome...sorry you had to find us..especially with your health. Many young self medicate with weed...but really need mental health assistance.

Can the older sister get her to therapy?

Weekends are slow..but more will be by for much wisdom!

 

[Mamacat]

So sorry for what you're dealing with. I don't really have advice except take care of yourself. I was told that all the time, and it seemed impossible. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope you get some relief from the worry soon.

 

[Maisy]

I understand the dilemma with pot. My son uses it to self medicate even though he is on medications for depression and anxiety. He spends a lot of his time in his apartment smoking and playing video games . He dropped out of college and has not found a job. We are cutting him off come January so he will have to do something. He is refusing to use his God given talents and intelligence and uses his anxiety and depression like a crutch. Does your other daughter smoke pot? How is your daughter getting it? My husband was condoning my son's smoking thinking it may help but all I see is a lack of motivation . So soon our son won't be able to buy it with our money like in the past. I personally do not see any benefit to it but tell that to our young people especially regarding all the legalization starting to happen.

 

[Copabanana]

I have stage four cancer, and desperately want to see her more and see her thrive.

I so much understand your feelings, and I wish I knew what to say to ease your concerns. Welcome here. I hope you stay with it. Posting helps, it really does. While the knowledge and support you may find here should help some, clarifying your thinking and the very process of writing down my situation, thoughts and worries, helped me immeasurably to know myself better, and change some, too.

unable to handle a regular school after the very alternative nature of her previous two schools

I think you might be downplaying to yourself how your health issues might be affecting your daughter. She may not know how to speak to you about her fears and anxieties. She may not even face them inside herself, or to avoid facing them, she may be acting out/using marijuana. It may be because of her own reaction to your health issues that she is unable to function.

I think one way to respond might be laying it all on the table in a series of face to face conversations, between she and you. I do not know if your health permits you to travel or not, but she may need to talk with you directly about her fears. This may not be easy or come easy.

How could she not fear losing you? And what this would mean for her, how she sees herself, and her future? Maybe she has guilt about past attitudes, lapses, or actions? Maybe she has anger towards you that she fears caused damage to you? Maybe she cannot forgive herself for that.

You are in a position to help her face these things.

You mentioned the Buddhist High School but did not, as I recall, mention matters of faith. I have been speaking with someone of my own faith on a weekly basis. While she is ordained she is also a spiritual director with a special training in assisting/guiding others in crises that might be helped through a spiritual focus. It has been enormously helpful to me and a source of strength and consolation.

Spiritual Directors can be of whatever faith, or they can be non-believers. Perhaps somebody in your own faith or a spiritual director could help you help yourself and daughter.

I brought up the idea to my own son, and he seemed disinterested. Where we do have control is what we decide for ourselves.

Take care.

 

[Warrior Worrier]

Thanks for your thoughts all. Yes she is using pot and did serious damage to herself previously with overuse of a different drug which is why I sent her to PA
Hmmm I'm very available to talk with her and very open to her feelings even hard ones.
She tells me to STOP texting her so
Much and doesn't respond to my emails where
I ask if she is free or how she is or give her details about schools, therapists, that I'm afraid she's affecting her own motivation and follow through with overuse of pot. Etc.
Meanwhile her sister doesn't want to be the mother or answer my questions so she's stopped telling me what's going on

They both live for free in a Studio we built.
My daughter seems very detached from me and very standoffish. For years. Even before I got cancer. despite us being extraordinarily close and happy when she was younger.

 

[BusynMember]

If they live for free on your property (your dime) ,it is also fair to make one condition in lieu of rent that you have regular communication regarding both of their activities. You can also ban the pot. They are both biting the hand that still feeds them. Why is it all on their terms in your condo,? You are good enough to mooch off of but not talk to,? Who pays for the cell phones that your daughter asked you not to text you on?

Most adult kids have to pay rent.

You in my opinion should concentrate on your health first. Hugs and so sorry.

 

[Copabanana]

What I meant was face to face conversations over a period of time. Not texting or phone.

Many if not most of us here on this forum had extremely close relationships with our children.

Things change for reasons that can be difficult and deep. As you are aware with your health status, life can change in a moment. The same thing happened to your daughter that happened to you. She seems to need help dealing with it. You cannot make her do what she will not. But you can offer of yourself, I think. Not talking at her. Not endless worrying. Not intrusion she does not want. But intimacy. Being with her. Letting her speak. Letting her be with you.

It may take time. It may take courage. It may not work. But it may be that she needs her mother, and fears she may lose her. This is your opportunity. There may be something you can do for your child which is to give of yourself...your love and presence. Maybe I am wrong. But maybe not.

 

[Belle]

If they live for free on your property (your dime) ,it is also fair to make one condition in lieu of rent that you have regular communication regarding both of their activities. You can also ban the pot. They are both biting the hand that still feeds them. Why is it all on their terms in your condo,? You are good enough to mooch off of but not talk to,? Who pays for the cell phones that your daughter asked you not to text you on?

Most adult kids have to pay rent.

You in my opinion should concentrate on your health first. Hugs and so sorry.

This is pretty much what I was going to say but you've said it better than I would have

 

[BusynMember]

That hit me first. If they don't want to do it, there are things called jobs and places to rent. Then you are truly on your own. Until then, you are a child and not yet free to make your own decisions.

The second issue is the health. You don't need the stress of this while trying to heal. This is not the time for you to chase after them. Any loving adult children would go to you and help. Sadly they are not acting very concerned.You can not control these daughters. But you can be good to you and take care of you.

Do you have a SO or others who love you? Somebody who can be there for YOU?

 

[Crayola13]

I have a brilliant and talented eighteen year old daughter who was in a small buddist high school for three years living with relatives in another state. At that school she flourished with meditation and martial arts and the rigor or their schedule. She was super excited abut attending a small art college and visited and enrolled in one in another state, a bit closer to us her family.

But in-between then she stayed with her 24 year old sister for six weeks, and I think started using a lot of pot, and going downhill. She went off to college and begged to be allowed to come back after just one week, saying she didn't like it and had made a mistake.

Now she is back to living in the studio with her sister, fighting with each other Im afraid, not answering my texts, smoking too much pot again, and trying with difficulty and I think very low self confidence to get a job. She seems to not leave the house most of the time.

She won't reply to my texts and Im deeply worried for her. I have stage four cancer, and desperately want to see her more and see her thrive. She seems depressed and confused about her future, and unable to handle a regular school after the very alternative nature of her previous two schools. ADVISE???? Up in arms here and sick with worry about her, my tow daughters relationship, her mental health, her future, how we can best support her without enabling her.

She might be having anxiety attacks. Does she have a close relationship with her sister? Has she been able to make friends at the college? It can be a shock to the system for some k

 

[Crayola13]

She might be having anxiety attacks. Does she have a close relationship with her sister? Has she been able to make friends at the college? It can be a shock to the system for some kids. Moving back to her comfortable environment where she was before might help if there is a community college nearby. Then, in a couple of years she might be ready to move and transfer to the college of her choice.k