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Daughter Homeless Again...I Cant Help Her...Feeling Guilty.
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<blockquote data-quote="BlueMountain" data-source="post: 674311" data-attributes="member: 19820"><p>To MommaRN : </p><p>My son is older than your daughter and has been cycling through these behaviors for years - I am finally seeing more clearly and maybe you can learn from my mistakes. I only found this " peace " after years of attempts to provide help and guidance. Lots of tears and faceplants, both of us. </p><p></p><p>My insights : </p><p>A one time "leg up " for a young adult is fine. A pattern of repeated rescuing is harmful. I see now that I only extended his dysfunctional years. My rescues delayed his recovery. </p><p></p><p>I taught all of my children to be kind and personally responsible- but it took me Years to realize that I needed to teach them to treat me as well as I expected them to treat others. Years. </p><p> </p><p>I still will send him links to nearby healthcare / treatment centers - if he tells me there are no other resources than my home or my checkbook. As I type this he just texted me " thank you" for my last suggestion. </p><p></p><p>If he is respectful and wants to be in close communication with me - I offer all of the encouragement and suggestions I can - wanting to build him up and reassure him that he Can fix this , embrace a healthy life , financially independent instead of couch surfing. I know for myself - sometimes words of encouragement have saved me. So I try to do the same for him. Sometimes we are too overwhelmed and defeated to see the path. </p><p></p><p>Lastly - lately I think of my grandparents and my parents. World Wars, Great Depression. Those generations were not whiners. They never complained - not even in later years when their health declined. They were tough. If they ever shared a story about going through a struggle they quickly wrapped it up with a shrug and a smile and gratitude for where they are now. </p><p></p><p>Far contrast from my children - and myself. It gives me perspective , lately. </p><p></p><p>That being said , my heart goes out to you. It's painful - and if you deny the tears , the heavy heart will clobber you later when you aren't looking. So go ahead and cry. </p><p>The " tough love " that everyone else in your child's life can employ - that just doesn't apply to mothers. We still have to Do It. But it's like putting on metal armor. </p><p>It sure helps to know other parents are out there. </p><p>As I age , I know I won't always be here to rescue. So maybe my mother instincts are kicking in after all - we have to leave them strong and independent.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BlueMountain, post: 674311, member: 19820"] To MommaRN : My son is older than your daughter and has been cycling through these behaviors for years - I am finally seeing more clearly and maybe you can learn from my mistakes. I only found this " peace " after years of attempts to provide help and guidance. Lots of tears and faceplants, both of us. My insights : A one time "leg up " for a young adult is fine. A pattern of repeated rescuing is harmful. I see now that I only extended his dysfunctional years. My rescues delayed his recovery. I taught all of my children to be kind and personally responsible- but it took me Years to realize that I needed to teach them to treat me as well as I expected them to treat others. Years. I still will send him links to nearby healthcare / treatment centers - if he tells me there are no other resources than my home or my checkbook. As I type this he just texted me " thank you" for my last suggestion. If he is respectful and wants to be in close communication with me - I offer all of the encouragement and suggestions I can - wanting to build him up and reassure him that he Can fix this , embrace a healthy life , financially independent instead of couch surfing. I know for myself - sometimes words of encouragement have saved me. So I try to do the same for him. Sometimes we are too overwhelmed and defeated to see the path. Lastly - lately I think of my grandparents and my parents. World Wars, Great Depression. Those generations were not whiners. They never complained - not even in later years when their health declined. They were tough. If they ever shared a story about going through a struggle they quickly wrapped it up with a shrug and a smile and gratitude for where they are now. Far contrast from my children - and myself. It gives me perspective , lately. That being said , my heart goes out to you. It's painful - and if you deny the tears , the heavy heart will clobber you later when you aren't looking. So go ahead and cry. The " tough love " that everyone else in your child's life can employ - that just doesn't apply to mothers. We still have to Do It. But it's like putting on metal armor. It sure helps to know other parents are out there. As I age , I know I won't always be here to rescue. So maybe my mother instincts are kicking in after all - we have to leave them strong and independent. [/QUOTE]
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