Daughter in hospital for 2nd time since February

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by change, Jun 1, 2010.

  1. change

    change New Member

    Hello Everyone,

    Sorry it's been awhile, y'all know when school's in session I don't have too much time to post on here. I've been reading sometimes though and trying to keep up with y'all when I can. My daughter has gotten a whole worse this year. She started out high school pretty good but the 2nd semester was awful. She gave up. Her grades were pretty good considering she was in an "I don't care mode" but around February she really became full-blown oppositional and we put her in a hospital for 2 weeks. Long story short, it really did very little good except that they diagnosed her as Borderline (BPD) and tried out some different medications. She came home very remorseful, we thought it was an "awakening" for her, but within a few days back at school, she was right back to the same behaviors.

    After a few weeks, teachers said she was worse than ever and pretty soon the school was asking us if something had changed or gotten worse. Of course, her therapist and psychiatrist had conflicting views with the hospital and after knowing her for several years, plus her history, the psychiatrist diagnosed her with CONDUCT DISORDER. It's pretty disheartening. I mean, my husband and I had already made our peace with the fact that she was never going to be the person we once thought she would be but this was even worse news to us than Borderline (BPD). Now she's been in a different hospital for going on 3 weeks now and hasn't called once and doesn't appear to miss us. We visited to administer her finals last week and she was being restricted from a boy for inappropriate advances. (She had a boyfriend at home before that who she has apparently ditched.)

    The first time she as in the hospital she at least asked about her dog and missed him. This time, she hasn't even called to ask about him. It's a really bad sign. Everyone is encouraging us to apply for residential so we are. I swore I wouldn't do it because we disrupted an adoption almost 3 years ago to protect her from her brother who attacked her physically and us too but now she has become physical with us, my mother, and even the hospital staff. She steals constantly, can not be trusted, lies constantly, etc. It's really sad. She will be 15 in August and we can not trust her at all. I'm really sad about it and feel like a failure at motherhood. I have to be honest, I'm an award winning teacher, I have former students telling me I made a difference for them, etc. I tutor underprivileged kids every year and am able to get them to pass their state tests, I don't get why I could never reach this girl that I gave every single opportunity any child could ever want time and time again even when family members told me I was crazy to run myself into the ground sometimes over her. I feel like I made a deal with the devil and lost.

    You all might shoot me down for this next statement, but my husband and I feel like we can never ever advocate adoption of older children after this experience. And these kids were 3.5 and 5 years old...not that old. We were too young, idealistic, and naive and also didn't listen to warning flags.
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2010
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry to hear things have been so rough. You are not a failure as a mother. You have advocated for her and tried everything you know. Residential might be what she needs right now. My difficult child has been in the hospital 3 times since March and if the current medication change we are trying doesn't work we will be looking at residential as a possibility. I think it is one of the hardest decision a parent would have to make. I told my husband the other day that if we do end up having to go that route we have to look at it from the view point that we love him enough to take that step and it sure isn't an easy one. Many gentle hugs to you.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Welcome back. It sure sounds as if the last year has been even rougher than the years before it. Those days sure don't sound like a picnic!

    From what you have said here, you really have done everything a parent can do. You love her, have taken care of her, tried as much as any mom and dad can to teach her how to live a good life, contribute to society and work to be as emotionally healthy as it is possible to be. You have given her all the tools that you could figure out might help her.

    It isn't your fault that she refuses to pick them up and use them.

    Have you heard of MST, multi-systemic therapy? It is supposed to be the only type of therapy to help conduct disorder. It isn't a "fix" but it can help. I am not terribly familiar with it, but others here will have more info.

    I totally understand why you are reluctant to consider residential treatment. It is really hard to admit that we cannot provide what our children need within the four walls of our home and the emotional guidance and love that we provide. By sending her to a residential treatment center you are NOT disrupting the adoption, kicking her out so you can have "fun" without her, throwing her away, or any of the other ugly thoughts that make up that heavy ball in the pit of your stomach and the ache in your heart.

    Residential will be able to provide the boundaries to keep her safe from herself and from situations she will seek out that will hurt her. It will provide structure and intense therapy that simply cannot be reached inside a home setting. You are NOT kicking her out of the family. You will simply be a family of different addresses.

    You are also giving her a safe place to be able to address all of the emotional problems. In many ways it is emotional college for our kids.

    I strongly suggest using an educational consultant to help you find the RIGHT program for her. The closest facility may not be the best fit for her problems. The program needs to be a good fit with her needs. Others here can send you private messages for the names of consultants they have used with good results. They will also give you ideas for what to watch out for.

    I am sorry things are this rough with her. Try to recharge your batteries while she is in the hospital.

  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You couldn't reach her because she probably has attachment disorder. Those kids are the sad, unreachable ones. It's not your parenting. Has nothing at all to do with that. She has obviously been very damaged way before you met her and you at least are giving her a chance. I'm sure you're a great teacher, but it's easier to reach underprivledged kids than kids who don't know how to accept love.

    If I had it to do all over again, I would only have adopted infants as our infant adopted k ids seem to be just as close to us and as normal as my biological son. However every child I've adopted older has turned out unattached. We, like you, did all we could, but it was too late...it just wasn't enough. I know how bad it feels. I hope she somehow one day accepts your love of her and decides to live a good life. Hugs to you.
  5. change

    change New Member

    Thanks for the support. She is finally having a psychological done today at the hospital. The doctor conducting is called me to ask questions and also mentioned that she had been uncooperative before (no wonder she's been in the hopital this long).

    For those of you wondering, my husband and I have definitely been recharging this time while she's been in the hospital. The first time (back in February) I was very stressed out about it and very sad. This time, it's been more of a respite and though it is stressful when I have lied to a few people about where she is, for the most part we have been having some peace and quiet and some nice time alone without anger in the home. My husband is my best friend of 18 years and we are 38 and 39 years old so we still love to have fun. We have given up so much of our youth to this heartache. He is not batting an eye at all at residential and wanted to do it years ago but I was the hold-out. He would never push me to do anything I didn't want to do. I just hope we can find a place that we can afford that will also help her. We are really worried that she will end up homeless or in jail at 18 or 19.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry. I know your heart is breaking.

    I feel for all of you.

    I agree, it could be attachment disorder.

    Also, in lieu of shooting you down, reg adoption, I would offer your own statement:
    We were too young, idealistic, and naive and also didn't listen to warning flags.

    Yep. Too many soc.wkrs push people into things to get the kids adopted. I cannot tell you how many adoptive parents I know who haven't even heard of attachment disorder. :(

    I wouldn't discourage older child adoption totally, but I would put warning labels on the pkg. ;)
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, we heard of attachment disorder, but not from any social worker. In fact our six week class to teach us about older, damaged children for adoption was a total joke and painted a lovely picture and whitewashed the incredible hardships. I read up on it and thought I knew enough. BOY WAS I WRONG!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing ever prepares anyone for the real thing...and you love the children who can't love back, so you hurt and wonder what you can do, but there is nothing you can do sometimes...

    Social workers also often either deliberately give wrong information or just plain old don't know that much about the child. In the case of our son from New Jersey who came with such glowing recommendations on his character, I truly believe that his social workers, psychologists and even psychiatrist didn't know he was such a sick kid. He was a genius at hiding it, and they told us all they knew. Until the system is better, and you actually get correct information about the child, I would only adopt an infant. A good friend of mine had an older foster child in her care and he burned her house down (true story). He did not cry or say he was sorry afterward and seemed not to know the enormity of what he had done. Of course, he left her care, but tabs are still kept on him and they say he laughs about "the house I burned down once."
  8. change

    change New Member

    You are correct. I can pinpoint when my more objective husband (it was my idea/dream to adopt) wanted to back out because he knew there was something "not right" about the kids and the case worker came to "convince him" to give it time. Then, he tried to give me an ultimatum at one point. He loves me so much, when I didn't give in, he gave up and stuck by me and them too and gave it his 100% as a father. Later when they began to really show their true colors, he never through it in my face. He should have divorced me. Instead he went to back to college for a better degree, started a business, and treats me like a queen. I didn't even mention that we can have biological children. I'm the hold out on that too. He really loves me and I'm really lucky. He'll go to heavan for sure and I don't deserve to.

    Anyway, I just hope I can make life easier for us as soon as we get everything resolved with our daughter because no one, absolutely no one, deserves to live like this. I feel sorry for her but at this point, I can't help someone who doesn't want my help. It's up to her now. No one can see that that is on the outside looking in but y'all know that have dealt with it. :(