Daughter is now dancing privately for money. What's next, prostitution?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Bean, Mar 13, 2011.

  1. Bean

    Bean Member

    I'm not in a good place right now. I'm just not.

    I couldn't even go into explaining what's been going on because it wouldn't make sense.

    My relationship with my daughter is basically me trying to avoid talking to her. Me, building a concrete wall around myself so that I can function. Me, silently dying inside. It's really hard.

    She's partying every night. I don't see her much, but text or talk to her almost daily.

    She got a job, she lost the job. She lost her living arrangement (basically because she needs to be out all night ant that doesn't work when your boyfriend's mom lives with you and you're trying to keep up the lie that your A-OK). She's told everyone she's pregnant (but she's aborting it). And she's fine. Narcissistically, annoying and fine.

    After finding out she lost this most recent job, we let her know we knew the truth so she's stop lying about it -- she's basically a PATHOLOGICAL liar -- I had to ask her how a 19-year-old girl manages to live on no income.

    Do I really want to know, she asked me.

    No. I can guess, I have guessed.

    I'm dancing. Privately. Private stripping for guys.

    First she tries to tell me it is at a local strip club. When I explained that I can easily verify that, she admitted no, it is at hotels and stuff. Escorting, kind of. But no sex or anything.

    I told her she's be prostituting within nine months, then, more than likely. I told her how dangerous it was to meet up with some man you don't even know and she - seriously - didn't "get it" at all. Through all the times she's "been raped" I told her that chances are it will happen again if she continues to live the lifestyle she's living.

    I'm sick. Seriously, I don't know what she's doing (drugs, sex-wise) or what's going on in her head. I don't know if it is the drugs taking over her, or if she's got a serious mental illness.

    I just feel like I'm going crazy. I just feel sad. I feel like I need to buffer myself and my family, but I feel like I'm of no support to my kid who is making some of the most idiotic choices in the world.

    I'm scared. Sad. Angry beyond belief.
  2. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Oh,Bean, I am so sorry. You know you don't have to worry about "making sense" here, because we all live in the strange parallel universe of parenting difficult children. I won't attempt to offer you advice, though I wish I could. Please know, though, that you are not alone. Vent here as much as you need to. We are here for you.
  3. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    *hugs* Bean.
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Just sending hugs, Bean.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    (((((hugs)))))) Bean

    I'm so sorry, hon.

    Since she is basically a pathological liar is it possible she's telling you she's dancing for the dramatic effect? I know I'm probably clutching at straws for you, but I'm thinking the Borderline (BPD) diagnosis and that attention seeking behavior part of it, even while pushing people away. While it is good she continues to communicate with you, strikes me as a bit unusual as when most people are hitting a low part (such as resorting to this sort of thing) they tend to avoid the people they love both out of shame and guilt, even if they're still attempting to convince themselves all is still right with the world.

    Given her situation at the moment is there the slightest chance she'd be receptive to talking to someone?

    I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom. Will keep you and difficult child in my prayers.
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bean. I never resorted to this but I knew girls that did. I realize things are worse today than they were in my dad but somehow our kids seem to always land on their feet for some reason. We will just keep praying your dtr is another one who lands on her feet.
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    None of what our difficult child's do make sense, so you don't have to feel funny about that when it comes to us. I do understand your pain and sadness over her choices. I hope you can find something in your life to brighten your days and not spend 24/7 worrying about something you have no control over.

  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I can only imagine how painful this realization is for you.

    I say - work on getting strong for yourself and for her - someday she will realize all she has done and is going to need your strength and support intensely. For now get yourself strong.

  9. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry. I would be sick, as well. Hang in there. Hugs.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You have my heartfelt sympathies. I can't even imagine coping with those issues. Years ago we had a member who had a beautiful bright daughter (an only child) who initially lived with her Mom outisde of NYC. The daughter followed this same path. She would call the Mom and say "I'm all alone on this dark street corner and I need you to pick me up before someone harms me." The Mom would get into her car and drive into the City, get her difficult child and on the way home the girl would be SO thankful and swear she was prepared to change. This went on for quite awhile with repeated behaviors and unsavory guys calling the cell all the time. Finally the Mom got up the courage to cut off communication for her own health. I don't know if it had a happy ending. As I seem to recall the Mom remarried, the daughter was an attendant and the Mom focused on her new life. She left the Board hoping for the best but prepred for the worst.

    I have no advise becaue I haven't walked in your shoes. I do know that, however, that once I started turning my phones off at 8 PM every night to avoid contact with my alcoholic I eventually began to sleep fairly well and felt stronger coping with my sad situation. Would that choice be helpful to you? I don't know but I think it might. Many hugs. DDD
  11. tawnya

    tawnya New Member

    Sorry, Bean.

    Another here that will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  12. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hugs, sweetheart.

    Wish I had a magic wand...
  13. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    (((HUGS)))......you know I feel your pain......

    As horrible as it may sound, she would be better off dancing in a club. At least she would be in an establishment where there are people there to protect her. I worked in a club for many years while I was going through school....no regrets.....it paid the bills and put food in my child's mouth.....
  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bean I am so sorry. My difficult child is dancing in strip clubs now so I know exactly what you mean. We have no idea where she is or what else she is involved in. I know the panic you must be feeling. I wish I had something to say to make it better. I keep praying that someday my difficult child will get sick of this life and want to chnage, but I am afraid the longer she is out there the more entrenched she becomes.

    Know that I am thinking of you and sending hugs.

  15. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    My stepbrother and a female stepcousin both 'danced' professionally -- my brother only in a club; my cousin did end up in prostitution. My brother is now a doctor, married with a child and has left his clothes on for the last 15 years :). He was very promiscuous from about 20-35 but settled down very nicely. He is still pretty narcassistic but overall has turned out 1000% better than my parents dared hoped. My stepuncle died a few years back and his daughter seemed to have started to straighten her life out -- no longer prostituting and had started college.

    I know this is devestating but don't give up hope, she is young and she could still turn her life around.
  16. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    ...I did the same thing, though only very, very briefly - I 'danced' in a club.

    I wasn't comfortable with the drugs that were everywhere though - so I quit rather quickly. I enjoyed the role-play, dancing part, though getting up on stage was HARD.

    It's not my proudest memory, but I am happy that I made it out without getting into drugs or raped.

    I'm hoping and praying for your daughter.
  17. Bean

    Bean Member

    Thank you for the support, advice and stories.

    It is something I have to learn to cope with. I'm hoping once the impact of it wears down a bit I'll be better again.

    Yes, I wish she were dancing in a club, over doing this in hotel rooms. She has always acted out sexually, and honestly I can't imagine that should would have a hard time charging for what she's constantly giving away for free.

    Well, I've said this before I think, but she seems to like to force people into her sexual world. I can't wrap my brain around it.

    There is always a chance she is lying. She lied about the pregnancy to get money from my mom (she admitted that). If she would like about this to be intentionally hurtful? I don't know. It's really working any ounce of forgiveness I can muster up to have my brain and emotions constantly toyed with. I just don't know. I haven't cried about her in a while, but this broke the dam.

    She avoids us, or has been for a while. But then she still, in a way, seems to want us to suffer, too.

    Janet, I never did this either. I had similarities to my daughter's difficult child-ness, but a lot of them ended a long time ago. It makes it difficult to relate.

    I don't know. I really just don't even know this person anymore. When we talked, I kept reminder her that it is all choices. A year ago when she got off probation she had choices. When she was living with my parents, choices. When she was staying with us even, choices. Even a month ago when she landed another job - choice! A chance for change! She didn't choose change. She chose to lean to her "dancer" friends, reject any move towards growth, and take the route most likely to have difficult consequences. Either she really just likes doing what she's doing, or she's so deep into it she doesn't know how to get out... waiting to get arrested, something. Waiting for the crisis that forces her to change because she can't muster up the energy or determination to do it herself.

    I continue learning, struggling, to accept the things I can't change.
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    Hang in there. Sending hugs and love your way.

  19. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. The only thing I can tell you is that when my daughter gets completely insane I have to stop talking to her. It's too hard on me to get sucked into her vortex of insanity. We are FB friends, so I look at her FB when I just can't stand not knowing what's going on with her, but I don't even do that very often. That's the place I'm in with her now and I have to absolutely will myself to focus on my own life and keep myself sane, healthy and as happy as I can be. It's very hard and I worry all the time, but it really is the best thing for me. Keep your head up.
  20. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Bean. Stay strong for you.