Daughter just called, need some advice...

[sooooo tired]

WTW, I put the article in the Self Help and Resources forum. The link to that article in the Self Help forum is also at the bottom of my posts. It is such a good article, I read it now and again, it helps.

Ok I need some advice...My daughter just called me and was telling me how she cant sleep any more and she is a nervous wreck, she doesn't know what to do and can I take the baby tom, which I was gonna do anyway, but the problem I have Is keeping my feelings at bay my instant reaction is my heart sinks because she sounds sooo pitiful! she told me the other day she just wants to leave the baby with his dad and run!!! she says she cant stand her boyfriend (he is not physically abusive) she just wants me to feel sooo sorry for her that i might let her move in with me.....cant do it !!!! She just wont do anything to help herself....I just cant quit letting it put me in a depressed mood. I am the one that would like to run!!! Its been 20 years dealing with this it is just never going to end!!!!!!! by the way what is a signature and how do you do it?

 

[Estranged2015]

Hopeful30, your son's behavior seems out of control. I recognize this kind of thing. My son also blames me for not believing in him when he continually lies, breaks the law, can't hold a job, and thinks he's smarter than everyone else. He flies into rages, yells and rants, just loses himself like a 2-year-old having a tantrum -- only he is 28. I've learned to understand this as mental illness, and probably scary to him, too. But his behavior is also abusive. if I let him come to my house and act that way, than it is working for him. I miss him and I love him, but I am taking a break from him right now. It is soooooo hard. I could not have held up for the weeks I have with-o the wise people here on this site. I hope you will find strength and good advice here, and be brave enough to take it.

 

[Tanya M]

SoTired, first you need to slow down and just breath. Remember, you have no control over your daughter. It's good that you will take the baby tomorrow.
If you truly feel that she is not capable of taking care of the baby you might want to start considering what options are available.
Would you be willing and able to take care of the child? Is the father of the child able to care him?
The other thing I would do is set some boundaries for your daughter and limit how often you will talk to her Better yet you can limit it to texting. It's so much easier to detach when it's a text rather than hearing the panic in their voice.
Above all else you must take care of YOU!! Make sure you are taking time for yourself, quiet time doing something you enjoy.
((HUGS)) to you...............

 

[runawaybunny]

by the way what is a signature and how do you do it?

Just wanted to say welcome. I'm glad that you have found us, but I'm sorry that you needed to. I too stumbled upon this community while searching for some support while trying to make the best of a parenting situation that I had no control of.

I agree with @Tanya M that you need to make sure to take time for yourself.

In regard to creating a signature we have a new user guide. It includes a screenshot about creating a signature if you are visiting us using a browser. Here's a link: http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/help

 

[nlj]

Ok I need some advice...My daughter just called me and was telling me how she cant sleep any more and she is a nervous wreck, she doesn't know what to do and can I take the baby tom, which I was gonna do anyway, but the problem I have Is keeping my feelings at bay my instant reaction is my heart sinks because she sounds sooo pitiful! she told me the other day she just wants to leave the baby with his dad and run!!! she says she cant stand her boyfriend (he is not physically abusive) she just wants me to feel sooo sorry for her that i might let her move in with me.....cant do it !!!! She just wont do anything to help herself....I just cant quit letting it put me in a depressed mood. I am the one that would like to run!!! Its been 20 years dealing with this it is just never going to end!!!!!!! by the way what is a signature and how do you do it?

How old is the baby? Does she have post-natal depression?
I recognise that feeling of heart-sink when you hear their voice and have to brace yourself for all the stress and drama that you know will come next.
Do you have a good relationship with your grandchild's father? I wonder how he is coping with this.
Set some clear boundaries for yourself. Maybe make a list of what you are and aren't prepared to do in order to support her.
Maybe her boyfriend needs some support too. I hope he has someone, a parent or someone else, who can support him. My husband was left with a baby as his ex-wife was a depressive alcoholic who could not cope with a baby. He did a great job, but it was very hard.
Look after yourself.
Keep posting.

 

[sooooo tired]

How old is the baby? Does she have post-natal depression?
I recognise that feeling of heart-sink when you hear their voice and have to brace yourself for all the stress and drama that you know will come next.
Do you have a good relationship with your grandchild's father? I wonder how he is coping with this.
Set some clear boundaries for yourself. Maybe make a list of what you are and aren't prepared to do in order to support her.
Maybe her boyfriend needs some support too. I hope he has someone, a parent or someone else, who can support him. My husband was left with a baby as his ex-wife was a depressive alcoholic who could not cope with a baby. He did a great job, but it was very hard.
Look after yourself.
Keep posting.

thanks for your post....no its not post partum depression, her son is two. She has been like this for 20 years off and on, she just wont make any effort to help herself !! She is smart, cute,had so much potential...she has been like this since the birth of her 20 year old. she has been diagnosed with bi polar ,depression, she wont take any medications she wont seek any help..my hands are tied I dont have one clue how to help her anymore. And her boyfriend is not much better if he calls me alls he does is scream and yell in my ear....I just get weaker and weaker every year...I have tried and tried to detach at one point I did not talk to her for 2 years and it was so peaceful. I just am fed up!!!

 

[BusynMember]

Hey. Don't ever talk to her boyfriend if he abuses you. Why allow it? Don't talk to your daughter either if you don't feel up to it, but the babydaddy is nobody to you...you don't need that kind of grief from him. Why he yells at you is beyond me, but he should not be entitled to speak to you after yelling in your ear. You deserve respect.

 

[2much2recover]

she just wants me to feel sooo sorry for her that i might let her move in with me.....cant do it !!!! She just wont do anything to help herself....I just cant quit letting it put me in a depressed mood. I am the one that would like to run!!!

The phone calls are definitely manipulation and gas-lighting, as in this part of gas-lighting: if you don't fix this I am going to do = hurtful behavior. She is going to run away if you don't let her live with you? Well of course, get the baby safe and then let her "run" if that what she wants to do. Once the baby is OK try to minimize any conversations with her. I agree that texting is the best way, hard to get long winded or off track when it is text. Also text allows you to review what she is saying an allows you to determine destructive patterns of behavior on her part.

 

[Childofmine]

the problem I have Is keeping my feelings at bay my instant reaction is my heart sinks because she sounds sooo pitiful!

Hi sooootired....I'm so sorry about your daughter and her behavior. I know how hard it is to "unhook" yourself from your grown child.

Your line I quoted above is at the heart of it all. They call, they push/pull/manipulate, we react. This is the cycle that we have to interrupt.

We have to interrupt the old ways of doing things. How to do that?

Change just one thing. Start there.

When the cycle starts, do something different. Let the call go to voice mail. Don't answer the text for 24 hours. These are examples of new boundaries you can begin to consider and set.

If/when you do respond or talk with your daughter, have a list of responses ready---typed out on a sheet of paper. Read the paper verbatim if you have do.

I did have to, for a while. I couldn't trust myself to simply respond back and forth with my son, because I could not help from getting engaged, reacting, doing something I didn't want to do, and live the same tired cycle over and over and over.

I finally realized it was up to me to change it. He wasn't ever going to change it. I had to change myself.

So....what to do with feelings? The feelings are still there. Over time, I have learned to separate what I did from how I felt. That was SO HUGE for me.

For all of my life, I had the philosophy that my feelings drove my actions. I felt it (upset, scared, disappointed,etc.) and to make the feeling go away....I would take action---some sort of action. Action made me feel better. I would engage, and then I would DO SOMETHING.

I didn't know how to do nothing. I have had to learn how. And I am a very slow learner.

Since my son's rapid descent into addiction, I have had to learn a whole new set of skills. How to wait, How to do nothing, How to let him feel the consequences of his actions. How to feel my feelings but not act on them. How to detach with love. More and more and more change---change inside myself.

I have also learned that we should not make any decisions concerning our difficult children when we are in reaction mode. It is never going to be good when we are doing that.

We have to take a step back, think, let time go by, and then with a clearer head, make a decision.

Start doing this for yourself, and your life will improve, no matter what she does or does not do. It stands to reason that we are not going to be able to fix them.

We have to fix ourselves.

Warm hugs.

 

[sooooo tired]

Hi sooootired....I'm so sorry about your daughter and her behavior. I know how hard it is to "unhook" yourself from your grown child.

Your line I quoted above is at the heart of it all. They call, they push/pull/manipulate, we react. This is the cycle that we have to interrupt.

We have to interrupt the old ways of doing things. How to do that?

Change just one thing. Start there.

When the cycle starts, do something different. Let the call go to voice mail. Don't answer the text for 24 hours. These are examples of new boundaries you can begin to consider and set.

If/when you do respond or talk with your daughter, have a list of responses ready---typed out on a sheet of paper. Read the paper verbatim if you have do.

I did have to, for a while. I couldn't trust myself to simply respond back and forth with my son, because I could not help from getting engaged, reacting, doing something I didn't want to do, and live the same tired cycle over and over and over.

I finally realized it was up to me to change it. He wasn't ever going to change it. I had to change myself.

So....what to do with feelings? The feelings are still there. Over time, I have learned to separate what I did from how I felt. That was SO HUGE for me.

For all of my life, I had the philosophy that my feelings drove my actions. I felt it (upset, scared, disappointed,etc.) and to make the feeling go away....I would take action---some sort of action. Action made me feel better. I would engage, and then I would DO SOMETHING.

I didn't know how to do nothing. I have had to learn how. And I am a very slow learner.

Since my son's rapid descent into addiction, I have had to learn a whole new set of skills. How to wait, How to do nothing, How to let him feel the consequences of his actions. How to feel my feelings but not act on them. How to detach with love. More and more and more change---change inside myself.

I have also learned that we should not make any decisions concerning our difficult children when we are in reaction mode. It is never going to be good when we are doing that.

We have to take a step back, think, let time go by, and then with a clearer head, make a decision.

Start doing this for yourself, and your life will improve, no matter what she does or does not do. It stands to reason that we are not going to be able to fix them.

We have to fix ourselves.

Warm hugs.

Thank you for your post...everyone seems to be doing alot better at this than I am. The acting out of emotions is what I need to conquer!! My daughter can be a very pleasant person at times, but when she dips its bad...She just wont help herself. She was signed up for government housing and a house came available but they could not find her because she didnt tell them she moved or her new phone no. So to the back of the line she went. Thats the stuff im talkin about she just has no responsible behaviors at all. She doesnt do heavy drugs and she doesnt drink, but there has to be something mentally wrong and when I start thinking like that, the guilt sets in!! I want to make her find help somehow someway but I know she would never listen to me anyway. Thanks for listening you all are so awesome on this site!!

 

[Second Time Around]

Hi Soootired. We're not really doing better than you are. We all have our bad days when we slip up. Don't get discouraged. You can change how you respond, but it may take awhile to get there. Just put one foot in front of the other. Also, don't feel guilty! You are not responsible for the decisions she makes. She is. Even if she has a mental illness, she is still responsible unless she's completely psychotic and can't tell what is real and what is fantasy. Mental illness is not an excuse to get out of doing what you need to do, although most of our kids seem to see it as one and try to guilt us into doing things for them so they won't have to.