Daughter just taken to behavioral health

[strangeworld]

I am empty. 19 yo daughter had emotional breakdown after drinking yesterday...and I think today as well. We heard her crying in her room.

Lots of stuff going on that for her seems like the end of the world. Too long to go into here but it revolves around a no contact order by the court between her and her boyfriend because of a drunken incident where she got injured ...partly his fault partly hers (my belief is she was in a drunken rage and he pushed her out of his face...but I don't know). She is desperate to see him and she thought the no contact order would be over when sentencing finally happened (last week we went together to his sentencing hearing). He has already served jail time and is doing DV classes. He is remorseful. I am not sure what set her off but we heard her sobbing in her room... she said she fell and hurt her legs but when I saw them it looked like she might have cut herself. She used to self harm by cutting at age 15 and on. Then turned to pot and alcohol. Stopped antidepressants and quit school (at the same time met this guy...who also has been hospitalized twice for mental health). She never graduated.

Today, she became belligerent w my husband and then me (I get the worst of it) screaming how no one will help her and she wants to die amd I'm a stupid bi***...ect. ect. It's not just the words she's saying it's the look in her eyes too. No one understands how terrorizing it is unless you have been in this type of situation and I know others on this forum do understand. I am still shaking. I called the police...she basically attacked me and grabbed the phone and threw it down breaking it into pieces. So I called on my cell phone then...police arrived about 20 min later bc we live out of town a few miles. They talked to her outside and asked us to stay inside. Well I guess they asked if she wanted to talk to someone and she said yes so they thankfully took her to behavioral health and not jail. Not sure what comes next. Relieved that this might be a chance for her to get the help she needs but scared too. Scared of diagnoses...labels...medications.
Scared of her. I feel like I'm living in a bubble with nothing but yuck surrounding me. Feel guilty, heartbroken and depressed. I can't fix this. Only she can. With help. How do you help someone who is screaming vile words and radiating hatred in your face? Hopefully tge counselors there will be able to help. I shut down around her now because of this. Hubs isn't helpful either...hevtries though. Obviously she is projecting her self hatred onto me...us.. This hasn't happened for several months, but when it does it's like stepping straight into hell. She is where she belongs at the moment but it feels awful.

 

[BusynMember]

Think of it this way. She is safe. You are safe. Sounds like she or this boy or both may have drinking problems and maybe other substance abuse problems. That requires treatment. She may have a mood disorder or something else like maybe borderline...hard to say...her behavior is not normal and she doesn't even have a high school diploma. This is one possible chance to get her life back on track. She needs this, even with a possible label and needed medication. This can't go on and you know it. This young man sounds like very bad news. Perhaps a therapist can help her see him for who this boy really is.

Again, she and you are safe tonight. Try to relax. Do you have other kids at home who have to see her anger? Any good support system?

 

[strangeworld]

Thanks SWOT. I agree. I am hopeful that this is a step toward change. As for her boyfriend he's been diagnosed with MDD with psychosis. Hospitalized 2 times according to his parents. He seems like a gentle person otherwise but maybe drinking and substance abuse too and my daughter has severe rage issues which probably played into the incident that got them where they are now. I want my daughter to expect better of herself and for herself. Life is not easy but it certainly doesn't have to be this complicated. She has rendered herself helpless and thinks of herself as an incapable victim.

I do have a son, 15, complete opposite and doing well in school and always had a sunny attitude. From birth these two were so different. He thankfully was not home today during all this. But he is aware of her drinking and pot smoking. He has distanced himself from her....well actually she has distanced herself too from the family for the last few years.

I have some support but probably need to be more committed to Alanon and finding a therapist again. Alanon is good but I just can't seem to keep going with it for long periods. I don't know why. I read a lot of the codependency books...just finished Codependent No More and have One Day at a Time by my bedside.

 

[Copabanana]

I am sorry.

I will say what I think. She needs dual diagnosis residential treatment. She may still be able to get help thru an IEP, because it seems she is mentally ill. After that there is sober living. And there should be outpatient mental health resources in your community. In my area there are free community programs.

When she is stable and has treatment under her belt she can go to job corps, if you are in USA. It is a free residential job training program. Housing included. She can get her diploma or GED there too. My son went. They work with mentally ill and recovering youth.

You cannot be exposed to that kind of rage. You can do nothing for her except what you did. Identify resources and set limits. You did exactly right. I am so sorry.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi SW, I am so sorry for this latest episode you have experienced with your daughter, for her mistreatment of herself, you, your family and your home.
It is so difficult to see our beloveds in this state, and to have the anger and violence pointed in our direction. I have similar memories with my two, outrageous and frightening incidences have occurred in my home, and hatefulness has been directed at me. It is a horrible thing for a mother to endure.

I can't fix this. Only she can. With help. How do you help someone who is screaming vile words and radiating hatred in your face? Hopefully the counselors there will be able to help.

It sounds like you have a good handle on this, even though you are understandably drained and feel empty. Our adult children need to recognize that there is a problem and want solutions. I am hoping your daughter will be able to get help from the counselors too. I think that often times, as mothers, the issue is that rage and blame is projected our way, and our kids can’t see past that. At least that was how it was with my two. Nothing I said or did could get past that look in their eyes. I am so sorry, it is completely unnerving, heart wrenching and frustrating.

This hasn't happened for several months, but when it does it's like stepping straight into hell. She is where she belongs at the moment but it feels awful.

I know that awful despairing feeling. It happened each time my daughters left my home, I had to turn them out due to unacceptable behavior. They were disrespectful, fighting, partying like it was their job, and stealing from us. We had many go rounds with them coming back and having to leave again. Years slipped by. My three grands were born into this chaos. Their father sounds much like your daughters boyfriend, he can be quite charming, but definitely has mental health issues and is prone to rage when provoked, or not. The two seem drawn to one another like moths to a flame and their relationship has been fraught with increasing violent outbursts and drug use. They are not together at the moment, I have always felt their relationship was a toxic combination. I am hoping my daughter will find herself eventually. She is going to be 30 this fall, her sister, 39.
It has been a long hard road for all of us.

My daughters were never diagnosed, have not been to counseling (except Tornado- forced by CPS).

They slipped further and further into addiction, and denial that there is a problem with their choices.

So, when I read your post, I couldn’t help think that this is a blessing for your daughter, and your family.
Try to continue to find respite in the fact that you know where she is, the counselors may be able to reach her and help her find a better path.

I do have a son, 15, complete opposite and doing well in school and always had a sunny attitude. From birth these two were so different. He thankfully was not home today during all this. But he is aware of her drinking and pot smoking. He has distanced himself from her....well actually she has distanced herself too from the family for the last few years.

My son was 14 at the time when Tornado pulled one of her infamous tirades that awoke me to the impossibility of my “fixing” her. I found him curled up on my bed, sobbing from the sheer audacity and frustration of years of focus on rescuing his siblings who didn’t want saving. The chaos in my home didn’t matter to them.
That day, I saw how much it was eating at him. I began to see how unfair it was for him, that our home was not his safe place, his sanctuary.
I went to counseling, and also found a therapist for him. It was the start of me switching focus from trying to fix my two, to rebuilding myself, and bringing peace to my home. Insisting on peace in my home. At first, for his sake, then for mine as well.

I have some support but probably need to be more committed to Alanon and finding a therapist again.

Your daughter is where she needs to be. I went back and read a few of your posts from the past, you have been through so much. When our focus is so intent on finding solutions for our beloveds gone off the rails, we tend to neglect our own needs. Putting on the brave face, going through our daily regimens, often swallowing down the pain and suffering.
What we want most for our adult children, to care for themselves, we deny ourselves. Self care feels selfish. It’s not. It is so important, for all of us. As parents, we are our children’s first mentors, first examples.
I feel now that by taking steps to valuing ourselves, we are leading the way for our children.
When we take care of our spiritual, mental and physical well being, we are able to make healthy choices and the fog begins to clear.
It is possible to go from that desolate place, that emptiness, to hope.
With your daughter in a safe place, you have some time to work on yourself. Take the time you need to recover from this latest incident, rest when you need to, cry when you feel like it. Be very kind and gentle with yourself. This is the hardest stuff to go through, I understand.
Prayers going up that your daughter finds the answers she needs to embracing a healthier future and finding her full potential.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[strangeworld]

Thank you all for your wise..and most of all, kind words. I texted her before I went to sleep just said "I love you and hope you are feeling better". Got a text at 3:45 am saying she feels better but annoyed she doesn't have her blanket....does that mean they didn't keep her overnight? I asked where she is...she just said "down town" (late morning) I'm going to write a letter to her about moving on and how we are prepared to help financially and emotionally once she gets help. I will include phone numbers of resources in our town. I absolutely can not talk face to face with her about this. She is abusive and after years there is no "have her sit down and discuss your expectations and her options " as so many well meaning but clueless people recommend. Reasoning with unreasonable doesn't get us anywhere. Especially when they are spitting in your face mad.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Sw. I guess we are stuck at wondering again. That is my lot with my two. I am sorry for the ache of it.

I asked where she is...she just said "down town" (late morning) I'm going to write a letter to her about moving on and how we are prepared to help financially and emotionally once she gets help

I had hoped that your daughter would stay and get the help she needs, but I suppose they can’t keep her if she is not willing?
My two are like your daughter, vague about their whereabouts, giving just enough information to keep the wheels spinning and worry to creep into my thoughts. So, I pray harder. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life imagining the terrible awfuls they may get themselves into. It is a waste of my energy and time, because they will do as they please no matter what I say, think or feel. They are definitely more tolerant to what I perceive as rock bottom.
In fact, they have drilled way past that in my opinion.
I have too. Drilled past rock bottom with all of the ups, downs and sideways of this. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life empty and exhausted from the emotional roller coaster. I had to find some way to get off. My two are running round in circles trying to find “themselves”, I was running around trying to save them. We were all in this crazy cyclical pattern. Someone had to stop and it wasn’t going to be them, so I had to.

She is abusive and after years there is no "have her sit down and discuss your expectations and her options " as so many well meaning but clueless people recommend. Reasoning with unreasonable doesn't get us anywhere. Especially when they are spitting in your face mad.

I don’t know if I will ever know the answer to why my daughters have chosen to live as they do. There is no sit down and discuss. For them, drugs drive the bus and as long as they are under the influence there is no reasoning with them. I could say the sky is blue and it would be the wrong thing.
Sometimes I think they would come to us for help, a place to stay, and get tired and bored of living as we do, a “normal” life. It was as if they were resentful, rather than appreciative.
That’s what it was, resentful entitlement.
Like “Help me........you idiot, why are you helping me?”
Sigh.
A large serving of “It is what it is.”
A ten course dinner of it.
I don’t think people realize how impossible it is to talk with an adult child who just doesn’t want to hear anything you have to say.
It is frustrating, maddening and sad.
I am sorry for the pain of it.
You have done so much to try and help your daughter. It is up to her to figure out how she wants to navigate this world. That is a hard pill to swallow when their lives are such a train wreck. But, it really isn’t our bitter medicine, it’s theirs. Their choices, their consequences. Pulling away from feeling the repercussions of their lifestyle is not easy, but the more you practice understanding that you didn’t cause this, can’t cure it or control it, the more you can start to switch focus on what you can control, that is how you allow yourself to react. Your life matters, you have raised your daughter has best you can, given her the tools to live well, if she chooses. It is my hope that our daughters will realize their full potential one day. Throwing our lives by the wayside until that happens does nothing for any of us. Finding new ways to deal with the circumstances our adult children get themselves in to is a work in progress. There is a way to cope and grow and learn to grab your life back. It happened for me, when I realized that I am not the one to fix my two. I can pray for them and hope they learn to choose differently. After so many years of giving and trying things that don’t work, I had to learn to choose differently. I choose peace of mind and stability, protecting the sanctuary of my home, rejecting the drama and chaos. I love my two, but won’t confuse that love with sacrificing my own peace of heart and mind to desperately try to save them. They have to want better. I want better for them and myself and my son.
Hopefully one day, they will figure it out.
I hope you can work at finding your peace.
You are worth the effort.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Triedntrue]

I have been there with my son screaming at me over Heaven knows what. You absolutely can not reason with them. I am sorry you had to go through that. I have placed my son in behavioral units more than once. Others have said each time helps a little more. Ultimately untill they put in the effort it will not do what needs to be done. We have to give them the message that they need to work at this they have to put in the effort they have to change. Sometimes the only way we get that message through is to stop doing what we are doing. That is the challenge we face and everybody handles it at there own pace. The people here are good at walking us through and supporting our efforts. Prayers

 

[strangeworld]

Well she is home again....

Yesterday she texted asking when shw can come home. She said she was taken to behavioral health and just asked to fill out paperwork...the lady asked why sje was there....daughter said she didn't know so the lady gave her directions to downtown. Ridiculous. I told her every single time she threatens to kill herself I will call 911. Told her one more episode of drunken belligerent abuse and she will no longer be welcome here. Tried to talk about how for every problem there is a solution but it takes EFFORT. She found out about a new protective order that is "up tp 10 years" and she said that is what sent her over the edge. Told her she is to contribute to the household by doing household chores if not paying rent. I need to make a list so it's clear. Told her this house is a peaceful zone. No alcohol or pot or rage. Told her I absolutely will not give her rides unless it's on my own schedule. We started to cave the last month. I think she knows I'm serious this time. She apologized but it seemed a bit disingenuous. She is very depressed and seems to be parasitic towards her boyfriend. I can't change her heart. I just wonder what would happen if he broke up with her... For now we are going to allow her to live here ss long as she follows our rules but one more episode like the other day and she's going to be out for good.

I know our expectations are low now and some people think we are crazy for allowing our daughter to live her without working or school or getting GED or rehab or counseling but for now it's all I can do. I want to be here for her during this hard time w her boyfriend, but I know I might end up a doormat in the end. It's my (and husband's) choice and if she doesn't improve in time then I'll know I was a fool and need to set firmer boundaries and kick her out. I'm just not ready to do that now.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm glad you decided what to do.

Just my opinion. You can't stop your daughter from being with this boyfriend but he sounds unstable and horrible...if this were my daughter I would do nothing to welcome him over or encourage or help her see him. This is not somebody she needs to be with long term no matter if she thinks she loves him or not. You know tbis Even worse, they are toxic together. Your daughter is not going to get her life together with him. It just won't happen. They will go down together if they don't part ways. They both sound mentally ill. The young man's psychosis is going to be a lifelong challenge and he has already been in jail twice. He has no future.

This is not a normal relationship and you can't prevent your daughter from getting wild and crazy, even talking about suicidal when things go wrong with the man. We don't have the ability to stop their angst. We can't even keep them healthy and alive once they are over 18. We can only take care of one person...us. Only ourselves. More than anything else, you need to think about your 15 year old son. His sister could chase him away from the family and even cause him to start acting out. He is still young and needs peace and quiet. Too often the problem child gets too much attention because we think the other kid is okay, but all kids want and deserve equal time and consideration. And he is living a hellish existence.

You and your other loved ones are important. I hope your daughter shapes up. Her threats and actions are scary. Violence is never ok for any reason. Your home is supposed to be your sanctuary, not a child's drug snd drinking house and war zone. Sounds like she has substance abuse issues and violence that could hurt you all one day. She will be worse if she just lays around with no professional help and nothing but time on her hands....no job, no diploma, no interests....nothing to aim for. Do be careful.

I hope things go well. Love and light!

 

[Triedntrue]

It seems you have set some boundaries now for the tough part, enforcing them. Just remember each time you don't enforce or let it slide it is that much harder to enforce next time because she won't believe you mean it. Each of us has to do this at our own pace. The decision is yours and your husbands to make. I don't know if you are seeingva counselor for yourself but it has helped me. One warning however as to your younger son. I concentrated to much on my difficult child and my two younger both moved away and want no part of him. I am not permitted to talk about him with them and if he is going to be at a family function they won't go. Try not to sacrifice your relationship with him to help her. It is something i regret.

 

[strangeworld]

Thank you again for your words of wisdom. Sorry if I don't respond to individual posts on this thread...I find it difficult to know what I am doing when I try to cut and paste, etc. I appreciate your compassion. And.....some of the words are hard to hear I will admit - they sting. Because it points to my inaction - inability to do the right thing. My first reaction is to become defensive but that's no use - I will just say, while it's not an excuse, it's so hard being strong when your heart is broken. I'm not angry any more. I have forgiven her. I have too much empathy. Too much compassion. Where is that compassion for myself though? I'm trying to tell myself it's okay to be weak right now. You don't have to figure it all out right now. But society tells us to be strong - set boundaries - let go of toxic people even if they are family. How do you do that without losing a chunk of your soul? I just don't get it - I'm not there yet. It might take a long time for me - and I just want someone to tell me it's okay - that I'm okay. It's okay to take a while to get there. I need to find something that makes me happy again...this has really become too much of a focus in our lives. So much so that I have really neglected my needs and desires. Simple things is where I'm starting...enjoying little things in our life that are wholesome and light. Like tending to the garden...cooking interesting meals. Things that take my mind off the toxicity of this. We forget that there is wholesomeness in this world still.

I have a hard time communicating with my daughter - so many episodes of her verbal abuse have really caused me to shut down around her (therapist told me "and that's the PTSD"....what?). I find it easier to text my responses or write it out.
My son was not home when this happened - daughter gets very little attention actually. Our house is not a war zone like it used to be back in her early teen years of practical daily meltdowns over anything and everything. It has not happened since last July (when my husband and son were on a backpacking trip actually - so again, not home). I am sure he feels sad about his sister. He seems grounded though. We talk about things sometimes and I like to check in with his emotions - hard to tell sometimes.
AS for boyfriend...I don't know him at all. Just know that he has moved back with parents and family and is taking steps he needs to fulfill his obligations with the probation. He is definitely not mature. He is on medication again thankfully (depending on whether it helps or not). I know that he wrote us a 3 page letter from jail mainly concerned for my daughter which I found at least to be a caring gesture. I have met his parents who are very kind hearted people...big family. I know this broke their hearts too. I can't say anything bad about this guy to my daughter or it might alienate her(emotionally) from us even more. I did tell her that while he is doing his stuff to get his life together, wouldn't it be great if she could do something too to better herself...and contribute something to the relationship. She didn't respond.

Thanks for letting me vent...and thanks for your real and honest help. I'm sorry for all of our troubles and pray that there is healing and enlightenment for all of us.

 

[New Leaf]

The best advice I received here SW, was to slow way down and take some deep breaths. We are all traveling a difficult journey at different places on the path. There is no “one size fits all” to this, we each have unique situations and all must deal with our troubled adult children the best we can, and be able to look ourselves in the mirror. We love them, and it is the hardest thing to know what to do.
I am thinking back to my first visit with a counselor who heard my woeful story, looked straight in my eyes and said “You are an enabler.” Those words were like a slap. It stung. I hate that word. I don’t use the term hate often, but dang, did I hate that word and it still rubs me the wrong way. It’s because nobody, not one parent on this forum, wants their adult children to continue off the rails. Each of us did whatever we could to try to stop the train wreck. It’s a heart wrenching learning curve.

She said she was taken to behavioral health and just asked to fill out paperwork...the lady asked why sje was there....daughter said she didn't know so the lady gave her directions to downtown. Ridiculous.

It is ridiculous. Mental health care. So many people on the streets with no direction. I can only suppose it’s because your daughter is an adult in the systems eyes and if she is not asking for help, didn’t appear suicidal or any other number of things, they will not admit her against her own volition. I am just assuming because I have never been down that road. I am sorry she didn’t get the help she needs. Which, I am sure puts you in even more of a despairing state of mind.
So she is back in your home. Folks may write things that upset you, take what you need and leave the rest. We all can only deal with our own circumstances the way we see fit. I can assure you that it is not meant to cause you undue stress. I post from my own experiences, in hopes that it may help others, but it also helps me to reaffirm my path. It has been a long road for my family. If I have offended you in any way, I apologize. I understand the deep pain of this, and how hard it is to figure things out when we are in the thick of it. In many ways, I am still in the thick of it with two daughters out there doing Lord only knows what. It is a rock and a hard place, for sure.

Told her she is to contribute to the household by doing household chores if not paying rent. I need to make a list so it's clear. Told her this house is a peaceful zone. No alcohol or pot or rage. Told her I absolutely will not give her rides unless it's on my own schedule.

This is good that you are setting healthy boundaries and expectations. Writing things down is good as a reminder to your daughter and yourself, to keep things straight.

She is very depressed and seems to be parasitic towards her boyfriend. I can't change her heart.

That’s a tough one. Both of my daughters were involved in toxic relationships. Sometimes I wonder if the drama and chaos becomes part of the draw, extreme highs and lows, it was a level of crazy that baffles me to this day.
You are right, you can’t change her heart.

I know our expectations are low now and some people think we are crazy for allowing our daughter to live her without working or school or getting GED or rehab or counseling but for now it's all I can do. I want to be here for her during this hard time w her boyfriend, but I know I might end up a doormat in the end.

It starts with little steps. I don’t think you are crazy, you are a loving mother who does not want your daughter on the streets. We all have to do what we can live with. I went through many rounds of this with my two. I didn’t come to the place I am at now easily, and I still have to work at my peace with it. Understanding that having your daughter at home may end up with the same result is important, that’s part of the learning curve. You are giving your daughter another chance, make sure that you give yourself a chance too.

It's my (and husband's) choice and if she doesn't improve in time then I'll know I was a fool and need to set firmer boundaries and kick her out. I'm just not ready to do that now.

You are not a fool. Don’t be cruel to yourself, SW. You have been through enough.

My first reaction is to become defensive but that's no use - I will just say, while it's not an excuse, it's so hard being strong when your heart is broken. I'm not angry any more. I have forgiven her. I have too much empathy. Too much compassion.

Navigating this journey is not easy.
I am sorry for your broken heart. Of course you have empathy and compassion, this is your daughter.

Where is that compassion for myself though? I'm trying to tell myself it's okay to be weak right now.

Feel what you need to feel. That is the start to switching focus and finding that compassion for yourself. We go through intense grieving with the stress and senselessness of this. I used to listen to sad songs to help me release all the pent up emotions. I was so stressed out I couldn’t even cry. I made time for myself to be alone when I had to. Going to counseling helped. Posting here helped.

I just want someone to tell me it's okay - that I'm okay. It's okay to take a while to get there.

It is okay, you are okay, and there is no set timeline. Take one day at a time and try not to write the end of the story.

I have really neglected my needs and desires. Simple things is where I'm starting...enjoying little things in our life that are wholesome and light. Like tending to the garden...cooking interesting meals. Things that take my mind off the toxicity of this. We forget that there is wholesomeness in this world still.

You are recognizing the need to nurture yourself. It does start with simple things.

I know that he wrote us a 3 page letter from jail mainly concerned for my daughter which I found at least to be a caring gesture. I have met his parents who are very kind hearted people...big family. I know this broke their hearts too. I can't say anything bad about this guy to my daughter or it might alienate her(emotionally) from us even more. I did tell her that while he is doing his stuff to get his life together, wouldn't it be great if she could do something too to better herself...and contribute something to the relationship. She didn't respond.

Crickets, that’s the response I would get from my two, or rolled eyeballs.
You know, SW, I named Tornado and Volcano (now her ex boyfriend) after the Eminem song. They were so volatile together. When he was lucid, he was actually very intelligent and engaging. Endearing even. That all went away when he was raging, I don’t know if it is mental illness, or drugs or a combo. There is definitely something not right with both of them.
We went through years of this cycling in and out of our home, three grands in the mix, violent episodes, restraining orders, ugh.
I hope this will not be the case for your daughter. I hope she will get the help she needs.
In the meantime, try to work at those little steps you wrote about to give yourself some breathing space, make time to uplift yourself and rebuild.

Thanks for letting me vent...and thanks for your real and honest help. I'm sorry for all of our troubles and pray that there is healing and enlightenment for all of us.

Thank you for your honesty and explaining how you feel and what you are going through. I was right where you are at, many times.
I pray for healing and enlightenment for all of us and our beloveds.
May we all find peace.
One moment at a time.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[strangeworld]

Leafy,
Your words always make me feel better. Thank you for that. I'm so sorry about both your daughters' choice of paths. Your strength is so admirable. Hope one day there will be something to light up our kid's hearts and minds and they will want more for themselves. In life there are no guatantees but it sure is painful to watch them struggle. It brings back the pain of my pwn struggles which is for another thread...