Daughter located, I'm so worried

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Resilient, Dec 10, 2016.

  1. Resilient

    Resilient New Member

    My daughter left our home about a month ago, with no contact. My husband and I have been beside ourselves, praying for any word from her. She got involved in an Internet relationship, talked abt microphones being in our home...all leading back she thought to this guy on the Internet. She started send pics of herself to him and felt she was in love with him. She is 27.

    We have just found out she is living in a homeless shelter, and befriending known prostitutes. My husband went to the shelter last night to get some info, they said there is nothing we can do.

    I tried to reach her by her phone number. She called back, both my husband and I asked her to come home. She told me f*888 you, and send I would never see her again. I'm so worried for her safety.
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry. Unless she is severely mentally ill, I am not sure you have many options. Did she have these type of episodes when she was younger?

    Does she keep in touch with other friends or relatives that could keep you updated? Is she on social media?

  3. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

  4. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    I'm so sorry, give it some time, as hard as that will be. Lot of times our Difficult Child's make bad, irrational decisions and then after a while they surface and act like nothing happened. I wonder though since she mentioned microphones in the home if she is experiencing a psychotic, schizo mania episode. Prayers for you.
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This can be a symptom of mental illness, but then there are many people who believe in conspiracy theories, that to me are nearly as outrageous.

    The connections our children and adult children make on the internet can be with predatory people.

    Unless there is a serious mental illness, where our children cannot give true consent, and cannot be held as responsible for their behavior--our hands are pretty much tied. She is a free agent, until by her own deeds or victimization by others, she becomes involved with authorities, whether police, mental health, or social services. For many of us, this is what we pray for.
    She may have been recruited by this man, for just this reason.
    Resilient. You are resilient. You are doing this. So are we, each of us, whose stories in many elements are the same as your own. We are without power over them. Only what we choose for ourselves. I have often said this: it is like my heart is running around on the street and I cannot get it back.

    I think others asked you if she has experienced episodes before of behavior that seemed far-fetched: wild or withdrawn, extreme sadness or elation, paranoia, talking in ways that make no sense, seeming to be responding to thoughts or voices, that are not there, sleep problems, withdrawal. These are only some of the ways that a serious mental illness might be manifested.

    The idea about the house being bugged does sound a little bit like psychosis, but many people nowadays believe in extreme conspiracy theories, that may include some strange sounding beliefs (including my own son. The idea that he may be psychotic has come up.)

    There is nothing that I can see that you can do now, except to wait and to see how this plays out. She has freedom of choice and action. That is the horribleness of our situations. She can exercise her free will, while we wait for the train wreck. When we try to intervene and to take responsibility for them, this leads to us being victims of the train wreck. Because it seems that they always override our own good sense and good intentions. Their way of thinking, their energy or lack of it, their agenda is always the one that seems to prevail. Until they decide to change. And it is not always clear if and when they have decided to change. Over and over again, some of us put our necks out, and get caught in the train wreck again.

    Some of us have learned to permanently retreat, to not caught up, to live lives independent of the fear and anxiety and dread and pain--to the extent that we can. Others of us do not, or maybe, cannot get to this place.

    Meanwhile, I do hope you continue to post. It helps. G-d bless you and your daughter.
  6. Resilient

    Resilient New Member

    I'm very worried about her choices. She feels she loves this guy from the Internet, and the Internet game they play. She says he's her Dom and she the sub. Other then feeling drawn to him, she knows nothing abt him.
  7. Resilient

    Resilient New Member

    Received in the mail correspondence from her, large notebooks from her father and I outlining all grievances that her father and I committed. Her intent to move out of state with this Internet guy she's writing to, and her desire to divorce her father and I. We will not hear for her in the future, or any children she may have. I'm devastated.
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    It sounds as if she may have a serious mental illness or be using a drug that causes psychosis, like meth. My guess is it isn't going to work out with internet guy and she will be back

    No matter what happens, you can't control her but you can control your reactions to her behavior. I know you are shocked and hurt now. It's often helpful to go for therapy. A neutral third person can really help with insight and teaching coping skills and you can even eventually find happiness again
    Do you have other children and loved ones you can move toward and enjoy For now? Your daughter is 27. Yes, she is still your beloved adult child but she is old enough to make her own decisions aside from how we feel, unless she is maybe deemed psychotic. I'm not sure even that would give you any say so.

    I hope you reach out for professional help and to other loved ones to help get you through this.it isn't easy when an adult child does this. Trust me, I lived through this. But I am doing really well now. My loving husband and other great kids and therapist were there every step of the way.

    I'm guessing that your daughter had always been a problem. This isnt new, is it? Please don't let her destroy you. What she did was mean. Hold your head up because what she wrote are not truths.

    Hugs and hang in there.
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2016
  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This sounds like some kind of dominance/submission sadomasochistic jargon.

    Ask yourself? What can you do if she is committed to a relationship of this sort and from that place, rejects you?

    Many of us our suffering versions of this story. She is an adult. What she says or writes about you, is her business. I understand the heartache. I lived part of it.

    You need to protect yourselves from her. I am not saying write her off, but I am saying try to go about your lives. As she is living her own.

    The hurtful things she says, who knows where they are coming from? I would not read or open any correspondence from her, and I doubt if I would take any calls. Should she, at some point, recover, she will find a way to contact you or other family. Right now she is only destructive. Why would you stay open to that?

    There are parents on this board that live with the reality that their schizophrenic children are homeless. You are not alone. My own child is mentally ill.

    There are many ways that she could decide to recover, but none of them involve you. There are ways that she can encounter people who can help her. But either that happens because she gets herself in trouble or she is lucky and she befriends somebody who can influence her and help her. None of this can involve you. Not just because she is rejecting you. But of course there is that. But because she does not want anything you have to offer right now. She has made that clear. She is not buying what you are selling. Not any of it. That is the first thing that you need to accept.

    All of the heartache you are experiencing is not helping her. And it is killing you. That is at bottom what you are facing.

    You and I have to find a place in ourselves from which we can stand up again. Something of value and someplace that is safe. We are living right now from the heartache of our children. We cannot sustain ourselves from this place.

    There is a choice that must be made.
  10. Resilient

    Resilient New Member

    Thank you all so much for the thoughtful posts. This is the hardest thing to be going through.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so very sorry. I wish there was something that could be done. (((((hugs)))))
  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Resilient, welcome. I'm so very sorry that you are going through this devastation with your daughter. We understand what a nightmare this is for a parent. We're in, or have been in, your shoes.

    I agree that there is little you can do to help your daughter. It is a powerless, out of control, terrible situation when our adult kids go off the rails.

    You might give NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness a try. You can reach them online, they have chapters in most cities. They offer excellent courses for parents which may be a good place for you to start. They offer resources, support, guidance, information and help to navigate the terrain you find yourself on. While there may be little you can do for your daughter, you can begin to focus on yourself so you can learn to be able to live your own life, to accept what you cannot change and to let go. I understand how difficult that is to do, I've had to do it too, but when we cannot control, fix or change our kids we are then forced to figure out how we can live with the scenarios they bring to us.......and for me that meant learning acceptance.

    For me, I needed a lot of help to do that. It did not come easily, I fought it for a long time......but at some point, I became aware of how futile my attempts to change another were. I would invite you to seek counseling, therapy, a parent group, NAMI, any place or anyone you feel safe with where you can learn a very different way to parent, a way to detach as much as you can from a circumstance you have absolutely no control over. It takes time, it usually takes professional support and an acknowledgement that there is nothing you can do. That powerlessness is hard to take in, but once we recognize that powerlessness, we can begin to learn to accept what we cannot change.

    At the worst times what helped me was to release my daughter to my perception of a Higher Power......what also helps is to start putting the focus on yourself, make sure you are sleeping well, eating properly, getting exercise, getting outside to breathe the fresh air. One thing my husband and I did was to take off on minnie road trips for the day.......to the ocean, the mountains, wherever you find beauty and peacefulness. Just to get out of Dodge, perhaps once or twice a week, did wonders for my well being while my daughter was in the throes of drama and insanity.

    We learn over a long period of time to put our entire focus on our difficult kids and we forget how to care for ourselves. Make sure you are caring for yourself WELL. I know these steps feel somewhat worthless right now, however, with each step, you begin to get your own life back. You have a life too, you matter, you deserve to have peace of mind and joy in your life.

    You might find some useful info in the article at the bottom of my post here on detachment. I found solace in books by Pema Chodron and Eckhart Tolle which helped me to deal with uncertainty and chaos. I worked hard to find some peace in the midst of the horrors that were all around me, it became my biggest intention, to find peace.

    Resilient, this is an extremely challenging place you find yourself in. I am so sorry. While your daughter is out there in her life put the focus on yourself and the rest of your family. If it feels right, seek professional assistance, keep posting and take very good care of yourself. I'm glad you're here......sending prayers for you and your family and a big hug for you....