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Daughter of Weary Parents Seeking Advice
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 710818" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Amyrena, welcome. I empathize with your story. My first response is that you are trying to live up to expectations which seem harsh, judgmental and unrealistic. There may be areas within those expectations that are directly related to your culture which I cannot comment on because I don't know enough about that. However, it doesn't sound as if your desires or thoughts or feelings have any bearing on your own future. </p><p></p><p>You seem caught between fear of abandonment by your parents, the stress of living up to their expectations and your own desire to have a life of your own. At the risk of moving into cultural differences your parents bring to the table, my first thought is that you need someone on your side to offer you guidance, options, support and perhaps a way of communicating with your parents so that your needs and desires are taken into consideration. You sound like a good daughter trying to please your parents by doing everything they want you to do. That is admirable. However, I believe your life is yours to do with as you want. You are on a path you don't want to be on so it makes a lot of sense that you would feel stressed. And if you have no real voice in your family, a sense that your feelings matter, I can certainly understand why you feel "wrong."</p><p></p><p>I think it's very difficult to live in 2 different cultures which have very different ideals and expectations. Perhaps if you could find a counselor or therapist, you could receive support for finding a way to move in the direction of your own dreams. It doesn't sound as if you've had that opportunity. </p><p></p><p>You might shift the question from "what can I do to make them happy?" to what can I do to open up a dialogue which includes what I want to do. It sounds as if you've done everything to make your parents happy, but you still cannot live up to their expectations. I grew up in a family which had unrealistic expectations of me and it's taken me many years to come to grips with what it is that <u>I want</u>. You may need a therapist or someone outside of your family to help you navigate through this. It's challenging to go against our parents but it's also healthy to find YOUR voice, YOUR desires, YOUR wants and needs.....it sounds as if that time has come for you. There are also books about children of Narcissistic parents, you might google that to find them. </p><p></p><p>You are nothing like most of the adult children on this board who suffer from addictions, mental illness, laziness, entitlement and conduct disorders. You are a good daughter. You've not done anything wrong. My advice is to get support to find your own voice. When we habitually cast aside our own desires and our own voice there are consequences for us.......it sounds as if it is time for you to begin separating from your parents and starting on your own path.</p><p></p><p>Sending you warm thoughts and a big hug.......hang in there, get yourself some support and keep posting. I'm glad you're here...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 710818, member: 13542"] Amyrena, welcome. I empathize with your story. My first response is that you are trying to live up to expectations which seem harsh, judgmental and unrealistic. There may be areas within those expectations that are directly related to your culture which I cannot comment on because I don't know enough about that. However, it doesn't sound as if your desires or thoughts or feelings have any bearing on your own future. You seem caught between fear of abandonment by your parents, the stress of living up to their expectations and your own desire to have a life of your own. At the risk of moving into cultural differences your parents bring to the table, my first thought is that you need someone on your side to offer you guidance, options, support and perhaps a way of communicating with your parents so that your needs and desires are taken into consideration. You sound like a good daughter trying to please your parents by doing everything they want you to do. That is admirable. However, I believe your life is yours to do with as you want. You are on a path you don't want to be on so it makes a lot of sense that you would feel stressed. And if you have no real voice in your family, a sense that your feelings matter, I can certainly understand why you feel "wrong." I think it's very difficult to live in 2 different cultures which have very different ideals and expectations. Perhaps if you could find a counselor or therapist, you could receive support for finding a way to move in the direction of your own dreams. It doesn't sound as if you've had that opportunity. You might shift the question from "what can I do to make them happy?" to what can I do to open up a dialogue which includes what I want to do. It sounds as if you've done everything to make your parents happy, but you still cannot live up to their expectations. I grew up in a family which had unrealistic expectations of me and it's taken me many years to come to grips with what it is that [U]I want[/U]. You may need a therapist or someone outside of your family to help you navigate through this. It's challenging to go against our parents but it's also healthy to find YOUR voice, YOUR desires, YOUR wants and needs.....it sounds as if that time has come for you. There are also books about children of Narcissistic parents, you might google that to find them. You are nothing like most of the adult children on this board who suffer from addictions, mental illness, laziness, entitlement and conduct disorders. You are a good daughter. You've not done anything wrong. My advice is to get support to find your own voice. When we habitually cast aside our own desires and our own voice there are consequences for us.......it sounds as if it is time for you to begin separating from your parents and starting on your own path. Sending you warm thoughts and a big hug.......hang in there, get yourself some support and keep posting. I'm glad you're here... [/QUOTE]
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