Daughter out of control

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MomNeedsHelp, Sep 1, 2015.

  1. MomNeedsHelp

    MomNeedsHelp New Member

    My 19 year old daughter is out of control. She doesn't work and sleeps all day and has uncontrollable outbursts. She has been cutting herself for years, and when I got her doctor to agree she needed to be committed she stopped cutting and started using heroin and pills. She has overdosed twice and almost died. She will not listen to my rules and does what she wants even though I punish her she doesn't listen. I've had her in rehab and her counselor told me she was a pathological liar and sexually promiscuous. She is having sex with multiple partners at the same time. She is constantly sneaking her boyfriend in when he is not supposed to be there. She was just got grounded for 2 months and is not listening. Now she's saying that my boyfriend of 20 years has been sexually abusing her for years. I don't know whether to believe that or not but I did move out with her until I know one way or the other. When she doesn't get what she wants she starts all sorts of :censored2:. I can't throw her out of my home because in NY the parent is financially responsible for their children till 21. If I throw her out I have to pay all her living expenses for the next 2 years. Is there anyway to terminate my parental rights or have her removed from the home with out having to pay for her living expenses. I don't think it is fair that I have to pay for her at 19 years old. I can't tell here what to do, I can't get information from the doctor anymore because she is legally an adult however I still have to pay for her. Please help at my wits end.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    If she is in treatment for addiction, have you considered the possibility that there may be mental health issues as well? In which case, she will need a different kind of treatment - one that considers both needs at the same time.

    Some of her behaviours sound a bit like bi-polar to me... not that I'm a professional, but it might be something to consider.
  3. MomNeedsHelp

    MomNeedsHelp New Member

    I know she has both issues but because she is not a minor anymore I can't force her to go to therapy anymore
  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this.

    If she was just using drugs that would be one thing but with the cutting and sexual promiscuity there is a much deeper problem.

    While NY has the law on the books that you are legally responsible for her till age 21 I would think there are some agencies that can help you. I am not a therapist or psychologist but it does sound like she needs some long term in-house therapy.
    If she is using drugs in your home that also makes you liable. When my son was using drugs in our home and I found the drugs, I called the police and had him arrested. At the very least you may want to contact the police and ask them what your options are in that regard.
    If you are able you may want to seek the council of a family law lawyer. There may be a way to emancipate your daughter since she is so defiant.

    Keep posting and let us know how it's going. This is a great place to vent and just know that you are not alone.
    I'm glad you are here with us.

    ((HUGS)) to you...................
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    while I believe you are responsible for her, if she CHOOSES to live elsewhere then she must pay for that as long as you have a place she can live in.

    The key to this is to provide only the basics, and have rules that she must abide by or leave. You probably should go see a family law attorney to verify, but another member in NY was told this a couple of years ago. Provide a room with a bed, a lamp, clothes but not ones from fancy stores - Goodwill clothes are just fine and just a weeks worth, nutritious food but not the fancy junk food. Have clear rules about her chores, behavior expectations, etc... and do what you can to enforce them. Make it clear that it is YOUR home, YOUR rules if she wants your support. she is free to move out but you won't pay for it or for more than the very basics. It won't be easy, but she is an adult and if she wants extras then she can pony up the $$$ for them. If she bring stolen items or drugs into your home, call the cops and have her charged. don't bail her out and make it clear that you won't tolerate those things under your roof. Talk to the cops to make sure that if you call to report her that they will come and that you won't be charged. They likely will search to see if you are using, but if you are not then you should not be charged. But ask first to be sure! I would go to the most convenient police station and speak to someone to be sure. Ask them what they know about the financial support too.

    I think the NY financial support is to keep kids age 19-21 from getting food stamps and welfare. I would speak to an attorney ASAP about what you do and do not have to provide. I would not provide 1 single thing more than required until she let you speak to her doctors freely, is in school &/or working, and is reasonably behaved.

    I am proud that you moved out until you know if her allegations are true or not. I know it is hurtful to hear them, but of course it is important to show her that you care. It had to be hard to do, but it was the right thing to move out.

    Get an appointment with an attorney (family law) ASAP! You really NEED to know what your rights are and what you are required to provide. Also ask if you will be charged if you call the cops because your daughter has drugs in your home. Throw away any drugs you find (mix with kitty litter and get wet - used litter if you have a cat. This way they cannot be found and used.) and break any paraphernalia you find before you throw it away.
  6. MomNeedsHelp

    MomNeedsHelp New Member

    Does anyone know why they wouldn't have arrested my boyfriend if he did this why hasn't he even been brought in for questioning and how long would it take for the police to test a rape kit?
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    My understanding is that unless your daughter was in contact with an ER or doctor within about 12 hours (some say 24) of the incident, there isn't any testing that can be done. Once testing IS done... the police won't reveal results unless/until it is used as court evidence.
  8. constancestress

    constancestress New Member

    I feel your pain, I have a 22yr old sounds just like her, she was diagnosed with bipolar, she was never easy to live with.the ups and downs on most days impossible to feel sane. my house is always in such chaos I had to make her leave however their is a child involved, it is my granddaughter, I fear for her life and safety.
    i wish i had an answer for you but just know you are not alone.
  9. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    You really need to find out if your boyfriend sexually assaulted your daughter that might be the reason for her extreme behavior.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There is no way to know. If a rape test wasnt done its just her word against his.
  11. Rannveig

    Rannveig Member

    I disagree with SomewhereOutThere -- it's not just her word against his. Does she have a detailed story that is credible? In your gut do you feel like it could be true? Rape and incest cases get to court all the time without physical evidence. Cutting is common in victims of sexual abuse. It is probably also common with personality disorders that are associated with false allegations of sexual abuse. So it's not easy to get at the truth, but I think as a mother you need to make it a priority to try. Is your daughter willing to file a complaint? If so, is a prosecutor willing to investigate? These are questions it might be worth exploring. I feel for you at what must be an agonizing moment in your life. I am wishing you continued strength and courage.