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Daughter uses baby as a weapon
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 673135" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hello Nana, I am so very sorry for your Mama and Nana heartache, I have been there, and am there now, at this moment. You are not alone. Big, big hugs to you from a Mom and Tutu, who knows the misery of it.</p><p></p><p>How devastating for you to have bonded with your beautiful granddaughter and not be able to see her. It is hard, Nana.</p><p>Your husband is very wise. The time you spent with the baby is precious, a blessing.</p><p></p><p>I have found a way to deal with the longing, and the emotional blackmail.</p><p>Firstly, deep, deep breaths and finding time for myself to rebuild strength. I can't do any good to anyone being all cried out. It is important to allow ourselves to get out the frustration and sadness, but what do we do, Nana, to build ourselves back up?</p><p>In our desperation our answer may be, "I need to see my grandchildren!!!!Then I will feel okay again."</p><p></p><p>But the truth and reality of it, is that our driving need to be with our grandchildren, is used as a<em> weapon</em> against us, yes?</p><p></p><p>So, we must be very clever, and very wise.</p><p></p><p>Taking care of ourselves is so very important.</p><p></p><p>My story is a bit different, my daughter is a substance abuser. In that comes along with it some very dark behaviors, similar to what you have described. Blame, manipulation, cunning, planning, extortion. I believe dangling my grandchildren in front of me to get me back to enabling my daughter, is extortion of the worst degree. It is playing with emotions, mine and the children's. UGH.</p><p></p><p>That is the sad, bitter truth.</p><p></p><p>I have had to detach from my daughter, for both of our sakes. There is a very good article on detachment at the top of the PE forum. </p><p>You may say, as did I for many years, "How the heck can I do this, it means detaching from my grand baby!"</p><p></p><p>Not necessarily so. The baby is your daughters, and she will do as she pleases, in the long run anyway. Knowing that, is part of the deep despair of it.</p><p></p><p>We have no control over others actions, only our <em>reactions</em>.</p><p></p><p>Please think a bit on this, if our daughters know that we are sitting in our homes, feeling desperate to see our grandchildren, we are literally fueling their fire to <em>continue </em>as is. They have accomplished their goal. We have ceded to them in this.</p><p></p><p>What if, we put that burning desire, in the back of our minds, and loving our grandchildren from afar, start to put our lives together and live to to the fullest?</p><p></p><p>I may be wrong, but I feel that <em>energy</em> of focusing on building myself, finding joy, and <em>deflecting</em> my intense yearning as an end all be all, to be with my grands, will have the exact <em>opposite</em> affect. </p><p></p><p>In other words, if I shift my focus, to living well, then my grandchildren will eventually find their way to me.</p><p>I shift my focus, by saying quick prayers for my grands, when my thoughts get intense about them.</p><p></p><p>I cannot control what my daughter, does or does not do. Knowing this, <em>I have to carry on. </em></p><p></p><p>It is work, but as I said, I do no good to anyone, broken. So, I work to fix myself.</p><p></p><p>Then, when I see my grands again, I can be my <em>best </em>self, and their <em>best </em>Tutu.</p><p></p><p>You are not alone. Others will come and share.</p><p></p><p>Strength and hope and peace be to you Nana.</p><p></p><p>From a Tutu (grandma) who understands</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 673135, member: 19522"] Hello Nana, I am so very sorry for your Mama and Nana heartache, I have been there, and am there now, at this moment. You are not alone. Big, big hugs to you from a Mom and Tutu, who knows the misery of it. How devastating for you to have bonded with your beautiful granddaughter and not be able to see her. It is hard, Nana. Your husband is very wise. The time you spent with the baby is precious, a blessing. I have found a way to deal with the longing, and the emotional blackmail. Firstly, deep, deep breaths and finding time for myself to rebuild strength. I can't do any good to anyone being all cried out. It is important to allow ourselves to get out the frustration and sadness, but what do we do, Nana, to build ourselves back up? In our desperation our answer may be, "I need to see my grandchildren!!!!Then I will feel okay again." But the truth and reality of it, is that our driving need to be with our grandchildren, is used as a[I] weapon[/I] against us, yes? So, we must be very clever, and very wise. Taking care of ourselves is so very important. My story is a bit different, my daughter is a substance abuser. In that comes along with it some very dark behaviors, similar to what you have described. Blame, manipulation, cunning, planning, extortion. I believe dangling my grandchildren in front of me to get me back to enabling my daughter, is extortion of the worst degree. It is playing with emotions, mine and the children's. UGH. That is the sad, bitter truth. I have had to detach from my daughter, for both of our sakes. There is a very good article on detachment at the top of the PE forum. You may say, as did I for many years, "How the heck can I do this, it means detaching from my grand baby!" Not necessarily so. The baby is your daughters, and she will do as she pleases, in the long run anyway. Knowing that, is part of the deep despair of it. We have no control over others actions, only our [I]reactions[/I]. Please think a bit on this, if our daughters know that we are sitting in our homes, feeling desperate to see our grandchildren, we are literally fueling their fire to [I]continue [/I]as is. They have accomplished their goal. We have ceded to them in this. What if, we put that burning desire, in the back of our minds, and loving our grandchildren from afar, start to put our lives together and live to to the fullest? I may be wrong, but I feel that [I]energy[/I] of focusing on building myself, finding joy, and [I]deflecting[/I] my intense yearning as an end all be all, to be with my grands, will have the exact [I]opposite[/I] affect. In other words, if I shift my focus, to living well, then my grandchildren will eventually find their way to me. I shift my focus, by saying quick prayers for my grands, when my thoughts get intense about them. I cannot control what my daughter, does or does not do. Knowing this, [I]I have to carry on. [/I] It is work, but as I said, I do no good to anyone, broken. So, I work to fix myself. Then, when I see my grands again, I can be my [I]best [/I]self, and their [I]best [/I]Tutu. You are not alone. Others will come and share. Strength and hope and peace be to you Nana. From a Tutu (grandma) who understands (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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