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Parent Emeritus
Daughter with Borderline Personality Disorder
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 667115" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Welcome DeeMart, I'm sorry for what you are going through.</p><p></p><p></p><p>It is exhausting trying to follow after an adult child and make everything in their world okay for them. You have done everything you can do and nothing has helped. The only thing left for you to do is step back.</p><p>There is a very fine line between helping and enabling our adult children and that line is very easily blurred. We start out helping and before you know it you're in full blown enable mode. This is a very dangerous place to be for both the parent and the adult child. When we continue to enable our adult children grow to expect it and when we draw back they ramp up their behavior, begging, pleading, lying, saying and doing anything to guilt us into continuing giving them what they want. By doing this we harm them because we are not allowing them the space to figure things out for themselves and yes, to fall that on their face. It is through these trials that they will learn how to figure out their problems on their own, they start to grow. Of course this can be very painful for them and they will again, ramp up the guilt.</p><p>We have all been there, operating from our adult child guilting us into taking care of them.</p><p></p><p></p><p>The simple hard truth is you can't. Again, you have done everything you can to help her but that's just it, YOU can't help her. She has to help herself, she has to want to help herself. Even with a diagnosis of Borderline (BPD) your daughter is still responsible for her own life. There are many people who function and manage quite well despite a diagnosis of Borderline (BPD).</p><p></p><p>Acceptance is a huge part of being able to let go. I had to accept that my son was going to live his life the way he wanted no matter how hard I tried to get him to live his life the way I thought he should. It was through that acceptance that I was finally able to let him go and to start taking my life back.</p><p></p><p>This is an extremely hard journey to be on but you are not alone.</p><p></p><p>I hope you will keep posting and reading here.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) for you weary, broken heart.................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 667115, member: 18516"] Welcome DeeMart, I'm sorry for what you are going through. It is exhausting trying to follow after an adult child and make everything in their world okay for them. You have done everything you can do and nothing has helped. The only thing left for you to do is step back. There is a very fine line between helping and enabling our adult children and that line is very easily blurred. We start out helping and before you know it you're in full blown enable mode. This is a very dangerous place to be for both the parent and the adult child. When we continue to enable our adult children grow to expect it and when we draw back they ramp up their behavior, begging, pleading, lying, saying and doing anything to guilt us into continuing giving them what they want. By doing this we harm them because we are not allowing them the space to figure things out for themselves and yes, to fall that on their face. It is through these trials that they will learn how to figure out their problems on their own, they start to grow. Of course this can be very painful for them and they will again, ramp up the guilt. We have all been there, operating from our adult child guilting us into taking care of them. The simple hard truth is you can't. Again, you have done everything you can to help her but that's just it, YOU can't help her. She has to help herself, she has to want to help herself. Even with a diagnosis of Borderline (BPD) your daughter is still responsible for her own life. There are many people who function and manage quite well despite a diagnosis of Borderline (BPD). Acceptance is a huge part of being able to let go. I had to accept that my son was going to live his life the way he wanted no matter how hard I tried to get him to live his life the way I thought he should. It was through that acceptance that I was finally able to let him go and to start taking my life back. This is an extremely hard journey to be on but you are not alone. I hope you will keep posting and reading here. ((HUGS)) for you weary, broken heart................. [/QUOTE]
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