Daughter with issues

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by jodiehooks, Nov 28, 2016.

  1. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER

    Hello out there, I wanted to share an experience with all of you and get some input. I visited my son in prison sunday and at times his sister comes up in conversation. If you all remember she became homeless in June after being evicted from her daughters home due to an altercation between the two of them. Since then difficult daughter has moved (not voluntarily) to be near her other daughter in Missouri. She was given a train ticket and some initial help after getting a job. To date she is working but I can see through the miles and I can bet there will be trouble. I arrive at that conclusion due to the fact that even thought she is not keeping in touch with me, the things I am hearing makes me believe she has carried her problems with her. But before I go too far, let me say that my son has shared with me some of the truth about my daughter. For instance, he was her and her boyfriends drug dealer and he knows that the sores on her body are from meth. My heart breaks when I hear this stuff, but she refuses to admit her drug use and when anyone confronts her she gets hysterical and my son tells me that she has told him that as long as she does not admit it nobody can prove she has done it. So, now the job she has is in a grocery store. I have heard from her and her daughter that she is getting those sores again and it has become a problem. And my son on Sunday told me that the reason she does not want to talk to me is she does not want to hear my advice or hear any comments pointed at giving advice. I feel that I have helped her and tried to give her some good suggestions which she apparently has decided to be mad at me for doing. So, let go, and if she does not contact me forget it? Or push and try to keep in touch? Anyone?
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My daughter had telltale meth sores.

    I believe your daughter is in her 40s. I think it is best to accept her as is because even your good advice is not changing her and is making her not want to hear from you. Our kids walk their own paths. At her age, she is a meth addict by her own choice and she knows the drawbacks and doesn't care. What has 40 some years of your advice done for her? Nothing.

    If you want to engage with her, and that is up to you, do not expect her to change or for a meeting in which you try to be motherly to a middle age woman will lead to success. Has staying in touch with her ever made you feel good? Can you just exist with her and not question her or give advice?

    Maybe coffee and benign conversation and refusing to hand over money, which she will use for meth. My chunky daughter was a stick on meth. Kills their appetite. They don't use potential drug money for food. Don't fall for how she needs money because she is starving.

    I feel terrible for This situation but again urge you to emotionally disconnect from both kids before you no longer have time to enjoy your life. By the 40s, and your son nearing 50, they have been addicts for decades and it's part of who they are.

    You matter. The rest of your life matters. Your children are getting up there. So are you. They know better but don't do better. You can't I influence them at their ages.You can only influence how you react to them.

    I hope you choose to finally live for yourself. Big hugs and love.
     
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2016
  3. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER

    Somewhere: I agree, I have not engaged with my daughter much since she moved to Missouri. The info I got was from the son who is/was involved with her and not in a good way. I am glad he shared with me, it makes it easier to accept instead of second guessing, as in: are these sores from meth or diabetes, or something else. She blows that around because she does not want to admit to anyone what she really is. I have struggled over her retreat and lack of communication, and reading your post can agree that I should just let it go. I don't entertain notions of mothering her, but do wish she would at least have a normal conversation with me, like how are you mom? What you been doing? Want to go shopping or have lunch? But I can't tell you how many years it has been since we had that conversation. And as she ages and I age I guess I think that I should at least try to have some kind of verbal relationship with her. Now my son, he is attempting to do that on his own, he is reaching out and it breaks my heart. I have to be cautious with him. He means well, and since he is now off drugs being in prison, of course he is different and as I have shared before I will have to wait and see. But even if he completely reforms his life, some opportunities have gone and due to my age will not come back. Drugs are just terrible and it has broken my heart.
     
  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Jodi,

    That's the tough thing about life isn't it? We all carry our baggage with us....we can't run away from our problems.

    A new start can work, if we determine to face our problems head on and defeat them, but they usually just don't change with the scenery.

    I hope that your daughter will decide to change some of the things that she is doing that guarantee she will keep having problems, but there is nothing that you can do. If you could, it would already have happened.

    I hope your son is sincere and can make some positive changes in his life.

    Be good to yourself knowing that you have done all you could and lots more. It's up to them now.
     
  5. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER

    Thank you so much, none of this is easy. One day I feel normal and the next I am ready for the nut house.
     
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I say let go. The more you push the more she will back away. Their denial is profound. If she wants to seek help be there for support but it's up to her. I don't say this lightly, I know how hard it is.
     
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  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with Nancy.
    I don't think that your daughter make that any more clear. Let her reach out to you when she wants advice. Keep the lines of communication open but back off as much as you can.

    ~Kathy
     
  8. tbzb

    tbzb New Member

    SORRY TO HEAR THAT!
     
  9. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Let it go. They dont change. Few do. It is a lifetime of this bs. Get yourself a life and detach. Which is what im doing.
     
  10. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Detach and focus on yourself. Be well and enjoy your life. They have chosen their path. You can't control it, you didn't cause it and tou can't Cure it. Love and hope and protect yourself by detaching.