Daughter's in jail. Again.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Bean, Feb 3, 2010.

  1. Bean

    Bean Member

    Big sigh.

    A little over a year ago my daughter got was picked up by the police after a domestic issue (she was high and belligerent). She was charged as an adult (17 at the time) and went to adult jail. Since then in the past year I think she's been back about 5 times. Basically all because she refuses to follow the rules:

    No drugs/alcohol
    No gangs
    Keep a job/go to school
    No police contact

    Yadda yadda. Seems like the majority of the time she gets locked up it is because we've reported her behavior (which makes me feel guilty, but then when I see her spiraling out of control I don't know what else to do?).

    She got out of a half-way house back in November, and then moved in with my enabler parents. Within a few weeks things turned sour. She was unaccountable, blatantly using, not working, never saw us-spent all her time with friends... blablabla showing all the tell-tale signs of gang involvement and drug use. She'd slip out almost every night (probably to use or do goodness knows what).

    There so much more, but basically... after stealing from my mom's purse and lying to her, and then having someone come to my parent's house to recoup drug money, I finally penned a long letter to the PO asking him how long he was going to let this behavior continue.

    He put a warrant out for her, had her picked up and now she's in jail.

    My husband feels it is the best thing for her. Looks like she might be there for the remainder of her probation (4 months), and will get out to receive day services during the time.

    I can't allow myself to have too much hope pinned onto it, and part of me feels really sick about it. I hate having her up in jail and think I have my own set of issues to work through regarding it.

    Sucks to have her out on the streets using and dancing with danger, but it is difficult, too, to have your 18-year-old kid sit up in jail. I know/hope/think it is probably the best thing for her right now. But it is still hard for me to wrap my brain around.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I can understand how hard it is to make those decisions. I have also been the one who made those calls. It was the hardest thing I ever did when I swore out warrants against my son. Let me tell ya, people really looked at me weird! I even had cops and lawyers look at me like I was crazy for doing that to my own kid but I stood my ground. It kind of tugs at my mommy feelings now that he is doing better that I was the one that turned him in but I know it really was for his own good. Who knows how far he would have spiraled if I hadnt stopped him, ya know?

    So...all that being said...I think you did the best thing. This could be the bottom she needs to hit so she can turn around. Or not but you know you have done what you feel is best and that is all you can do. It really is up to them.

    Big, soft hugs.
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry. I know it's terrible to watch them when they are in self-destruct. You may have been the one that dropped the dime, but she is the one who chose the behaviors. I hope that she will decide that this isn't the life for her, but she is young and invincible. It's hard to know what they will do. You are right in that you have to find your comfort level with her now.

    Can I ask how your parents reacted to all of this? (in my humble opinion, they should have been the ones to call, but you can't force them to do the right thing, either.)
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hi Bean,

    I'm another one who called, and I know where you are coming from. Although this morning if you read my post about last night? My difficult child called 911 on himself. (OMG it just gets better and better doesn't it?)

    I wish I could tell you when the detachment finally hits you that X here is their life to mess up as they will and nothing they do will effect your psyche and over here X is your life free from all encumbrances. It's taken me almost a year to just process what Steven was doing when he wrecked his car and killed himself, his uncle and another young man. Drug related all the while trying to maintain to us a squeeky clean lifestyle. I wasn't even over grieving when I was hit with the drug information. Ton of bricks. Had I known? Would I have turned him in? Yes. He knew it too, so there's part of the reason for the lies. The other was I think seeking approval from the only parents who gave a hang about what he did. Like you with your daughter - someone has to be the parent. Someone has to say - THIS IS NOT RIGHT, and I care enough to do this, and this, and this - no matter how much it hurts me.

    Parenting is not for the weak. It should say THAT on the little tshirt they put on them in the hospital, not "I'm a cutie." But then we never think when they're born that they could ever possibly do what they are doing now. There's no preparation for that. I think that's what hit's us so hard. I feel blindsided and I know a lot of whats going to happen because I read it from parents in PE, but still part of me keeps thinking like a hopeful person - NOT MY SON. I'm a detachment work in progress. Mostly because I don't want to be hurt so much, so there IS something left of me to give my son when he's done being such a dunderhead. Not a bitter shell of a tired Mom.

    You did the right thing. Breath, sleep well, take care of you now. Find peace where you can and plan what you can for whenever she gets out.

    Hugs & Love
  5. Bean

    Bean Member

    Well, that was basically it. We saw and recognized the spiral and didn't feel it was the best thing to sit back and watch in awe and amazement (well, we did that for a hot minute and then finally said, "OK it's time.")

    Witzend, it took them a couple months to wise up. About 4 weeks ago, when things were painfully obviously deteriorating mom started to contact her PO, sending emails (it took a lot of coaching to get my mom to do this -- dad wouldn't). His response was basically no response for a long time. I kept quiet during that time because he seemed to almost have an ODD response to me when I'd contact him (?!). So I made contact after sitting on an inflamed email for 2 weeks. My mom is very comfortable with where she is at right now, but I don't think she was comfortable with the idea 8 weeks ago. I think she "understands" now.

    Star, that has been my stance for a while now. Somebody's got to love you enough to be the parent, and that's how it has manifested for me. I don't know if her last spiral has been a cry for help, or for someone to take the power away from her, but it kind of seemed like it. Only time will tell.
  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I'm another who had to make a call that ultimately put my difficult child in prison. The hardest thing I ever did in my life but also very necessary. No guilt just sadness...Try to not dwell on it they put you in a place where your choices are so limited and none of them are wonderful. (((HUGS))) -RM
  7. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    What amazes me is how much guilt us Mom's of difficult children have for helping/protecting our kids from danger (even if the danger is themselves). If they were in any other kind of danger...burning building, car with no brakes, in a pit with poisonous snakes...we would never question ourselves or doubt for a second that we did the right thing.

    Why is it then, that we feel guilt (even though we know we are doing the right thing) when we let our babies deal with the law side of their consequences?

    Bean, you did what you needed to do because you love your daughter. All of us here know that. I hope it is her bottom and that it will work out. {{{Hugs}}}
  8. Bean

    Bean Member

    I hate the games my mind will play on me sometimes. Two days ago all I could do is worry about her safety, what she was doing, taking and who she was with. And now I'm sick over her being locked up.


    My husband continues to tell me how relieved he is, and he is glad she's not out on the streets.

    She called me to tell me how freaked out she was and how bad her mind was running, and how messed up her head is. It breaks my heart. If only she would have said that a week ago when she wasn't locked up.