Day #4 of Kindergarten/trouble already!

[Big Bad Kitty]

((((Jules))))

My heart is breaking for you and your son just reading your posts. I can sense your fear for his future. Try not to project that far ahead, to his homework days. Schools have come leaps and bounds as far as dealing with these kids. You are getting help now, while he is in K, not ignoring it. And as Beth said, they have to be fair. Which means, they have to accomodate his needs.

Raising a difficult child is not for the faint of heart.

 

[TiredSoul]

BBK - Thank you! You are certainly right about my fear for his future. You brought tears to my eyes. Maybe I just need a good long cry, cuz I can't hold it in any longer.

 

[gcvmom]

Y'know what anonymous? Things may be overwhelming for you both right now, but I would bet that once you figure out what's up with your little guy, (and be prepared to hear that he will need medication support of some type), things will eventually get worked out.

I can remember when my difficult child 1 was struggling in preschool with all his ADHD and anxiety issues and feeling like crawling under a rock whenever I saw his teacher... Every day there was something else to report about his "bad" behavior. Other (ignorant) parents were pulling their kids out of his class because they didn't want to be around his influence. That was very demoralizing for me. I felt frustrated that I couldn't change his behavior, felt angry and sad at the same time when I realized that I didn't have a "normal" kid.

It's hard to not feel like it's somehow our fault as the parent. But your doctor will tell you, and anyone here will tell you that it's NOT your fault, you ARE a good parent, and you are doing everything you can to help your son. Somewhere down the road you will look back and be so glad that you took the steps you're making today for him and things will be SO much better for him because of early intervention.

I'm glad you are taking care of you -- that's very important. You have a lot on your plate with such young kids and the issues with your oldest, and it's not surprising you feel like you do. I had to do the same thing for myself and probably saved my own life in the process.

Hang in there!

 

[TiredSoul]

I can remember when my difficult child 1 was struggling in preschool with all his ADHD and anxiety issues and feeling like crawling under a rock whenever I saw his teacher... Every day there was something else to report about his "bad" behavior. Other (ignorant) parents were pulling their kids out of his class because they didn't want to be around his influence. That was very demoralizing for me. I felt frustrated that I couldn't change his behavior, felt angry and sad at the same time when I realized that I didn't have a "normal" kid.

gcvmom, you hit the nail right on the head with this. It's exactly how I feel. My son got excluded from a birthday party in Pre-K and I felt terrible. The way I found out was from another Mom who asked me if he was going to the party - and then she felt bad because she realized he did not get invited. She told the teacher and the teacher sent a note home to the parents because the rule was if you handed out invitations at school they must be given to EVERY child. So we ended up going, but I was so uncomfortable. It was awful. Others who do not have a difficult child just do not understand. In fact, that used to be me before I had one. (sigh)

Thanks for all your words of encouragement gcvmom - it means more than you know! I think while the process is getting started with the school evaluation, we need to look into some counseling or something. Just not sure what to look for as far as credentials.

 

[Singlemommyof3]

My 5 yr old started kindergarten last week. I received the exact same phone call you did. I've been doing a lot of research online to figure this out and to help him. I'm a single mom of 3 and trying to raise them with a dad is tough. Their dad walked out on them 2 yrs ago, but is still partially in their lives. My son is so sweet and loves me so much, but he hits me kicks me and is angry at the world. I talked to his teacher and we are working together on this issue. I'm scared nervous embarrassed. I sometimes don't know what to do with him.

 

[gcvmom]

I think while the process is getting started with the school evaluation, we need to look into some counseling or something. Just not sure what to look for as far as credentials.

If the counseling is for you (and I'd recommend it if only to give you some ideas for coping with the stress you're under), you can ask your primary care doctor for a referral, your clergy, even your gynecologist would be a good person to ask. Your insurance company may have a website that lists providers by category, so that's another place to check. It would be best if you saw someone with at least their Masters, preferably PhD or even MD (psychiatrist would fall in that category). A Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) (licensed clinical social worker), MFT (marriage and family therapist), or psychologist specializing in women/families/children would be helpful.

If it's for your child, talk to the pediatrician, your local children's hospital, or county services for a resource. You want someone who is trained in diagnosing learning and behavioral issues, as well as psychiatric/psychological issues.

I'm sure others will chime in here with suggestions if I've missed anything!

 

[Stormywen]

My five year old is also in kindergarten this year and day 4 happened to be his first day of big trouble. Unfortunately we've gone downhill since then. He got a citation yesterday and today for violent physical contact. Yesterday they sent him home for the afternoon and this afternoon he's sitting in the office. I honestly don't want to send him back to school on Monday because I can't get him to keep his hands to himself.

Wendy

 

[meowbunny]

I'm of the school that lets school issues stay at school. However, that doesn't mean I didn't try to help my daughter. There was no way she could make 3 days in a row of good behavior before 3rd grade. However, she could have a good day if done in increments.

She would get a happy face in her special book for every time she made it to recess or lunch or school end without a problem. Behaving for an hour at a time was doable.

So, if she brought home her book with at least one happy face, she got a treat; two, a small toy; three, 30 mins of television when she got home; four, out to dinner and TV.

A straight-line face got a big hug.

The teacher would write a note or send me an email as to what happened if she got the mad face and we would play act out that incident with her dolls. It would be interesting to see how my daughter's version of the incident would vary from what the teacher saw and heard. There were times when I would meet the teacher in the morning to discuss the incident and give my daughter's version. It was amazing how often the other kids would start the stuff and my child would finish it (and get caught, of course).

I hated when I heard a birthday was coming up in class. I could almost guaranty my daughter would not be invited. I'd take her somewhere special so she had something to brag about when the kids all talked about the party but it still hurt her and broke my heart every time. Sadly, there is absolutely nothing you can do about this. You can't force the other kids or parents to like your child regardless of the reasons why he behaves as he does.

Hopefully, he'll get a good evaluation and you'll get some answers. A treatment plan, whether it is medications and/or behavior modification can be a huge relief. At least you know where to start and, hopefully, find something that works.

 

[Pookybear66]

Jules to you and singlemommy-I am sorry you are going through this. I will have to revise my magic wand wish and wish that all hurting parents get a reprieve if atleast for one day.

I would agree with ev1 that has posted here (is that possible)? I would not punish him more after school but rather just talk about proper behavior. Remind him daily/hourly that he must do his best to keep his hands to himself. I would put a reward system in place as well. Something small, something easy for him. I would also maybe see if you could get clearance for him to have some outlet at his desk or in another area of the classroom. Set up a boppy bag (like a big punching bag/knock me over toy) in a separte corner of the room for whne he's feeling stressed or have a blanket/texture ball/something at his desk for when he "needs to touch something" (referencing the touching of the girls hair and the shaving cream incidents). I of course am not a professional but it seems like there are some sensory issues going on that can maybe be addressed while you wait for the "official" report. Good luck to you both!

 

[TerryJ2]

Jules, I can't add much except that I agree with-BBK that you cannot and should not project into the future. Take it one day at a time. Think AA.
Right now we're just trying to get our difficult child through 5th gr.

Can't keep his hands off girls' hair ... licks garbage cans ... ***** air ... Hmm. Definitely sensory and impusivity issues, not being "bad."

You WILL get a good diagnosis at some point. Keep breathing. Go ahead and have a good cry and get it out of your system. And then pick yourself up and keep at it. (We all have a lot of good cries.)

In reg to punishing school-related things ... usually, the teachers handle it well enough. I'd skip it, especially since he's only in kindergarten. If it's something major, like a 4th grader who had a month to do a book report and didn't even read the book, I would definitely ground him off of TV and video games. But those are not the same thing to me.

I'd reframe the issue with-your little one, and instead of asking him if he licked the trash can, just tell him that you and the teacher are worried about his acting like he licked the trash can, and what can he do to resolve that issue? Like, stay away from the trash can? Sit on the other side of the room? I think that will help him think of solutions and how he might feel in the situation, rather than make him feel put-upon or defensive.