Day at the lake

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Malika, Jul 7, 2012.

  1. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    We went to collect J's passport from the Moroccan consulate yesterday (except that it hasn't arrived from Morocco yet... I wonder if we will make it to Morocco this summer?) and I took the opportunity to have a little holiday - we stayed the night in a hotel and then today, blue skies and brilliant sunshine, we went to a big swimming lake near there. J hooked up with a little boy, who must have been 6, and they played together for a couple of hours. I was nearby so saw/heard everything and J played so beautifully - sharing everything, co-operative, good-humoured, within bounds - that it made me a little sad that things don't always go so well at school or in other situations. And things aren't going to be great for him next year at school, where he now has no other boys his age and where the boy who has been rather bullying and nasty towards him (but of late it's got better) is going to be the oldest and "ring leader" boy... what can you do? I can't sort it all out for him.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    It is reassuring to know that when in a good place those skills are in there. Who knows, kids change so much in those early years, he may figure out some strategies to read situations better and find his way. Maybe someone will move in at the last minute. It would be so cool if a kid a little older would be his buddy. I hope his papers come quickly. Did you say you are going to Morocco too?
  3. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Thanks, buddy. Well, next school year will show all sorts of things, I guess - how he will function academically, socially. I hope the passport comes too! I am going to Morocco also, yes (inch'allah...)
    It also occurs to me that this positive socialising occurs probably not so much because J is "in a good place" emotionally but physically - ie outside, free to play without adult constraints (though of course watched from a distance), free to come and go as he pleases. Much of the problem of the school playground I think is that they are constantly supervised "up close" and there is not enough freedom. Of course life is what it is and can't be set up all the time for hyperactive children.
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2012
  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Take the "normal" moments when they come and enjoy them. He had a wonderful day, he had a great time. That's what was important about the day. Overanalyzing is not always a good thing. He will eventually find his way and it will be "his" way. Been there.

  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    That's exactly what was in my head when I wrote that. I guess in a good place for us as adults does usually mean emotionally. I was thinking from my Q perspective, LOL. when he is in what sometimes is called his "ready" state...when everything around him and in him is good, he shows some really great interactions and makes some good choices. I LOVE those days....or even those parts of days.

    Sure would be nice if we could set up the world for them, protect them and guarantee a smooth ride for them 100% of the time, but that probably doesn't prepare them for life--haha. Still, how can you not want that as a fantasy for any child, smile.
  6. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    Kids usually use their ' thinking ' when they play with younger or older kids - at school maybe a peer mentor / older brother etc . It pays to invest in these friendships

  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    A "good" is just what it is a "good" day. Wallow in it celebrate it. There will be more and your son, who is bright, will learn that how he behaves will bring on more good days. He will also learn to avoid people and situations that are connected to bad feelings and experiences. It will seem that it is not happening fast enough. Wa'shukrAllah-AlhamduAllah
  8. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Well, I was more worrying about the not-good days than the good ones, lol. I am bound to be confused, I think... J is sometimes mature and co-operative, sometimes the complete opposite. Maybe it's foolish to expect consistency in an 'otherwise-wired' child, I don't know. And, of course, following yesterday's good day, today was pretty not good... he slept well but has all day been whiney, tantrumy, complainy... quite rude and disrespectful. But if I get cross with him, he immediately collapses into "babyish" crying, saying "I didn't mean to Mummy!", etc. Big tantrumy crying when we left the friends we saw this afternoon. I dunno. I feel he needs something I am not giving, cannot give, him.... men? A father presence? A more complete network of family and friends? His identity is fragile, his self-esteem not assured and it's not really to do with the ADHD though of course that doesn't help.
  9. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    To be honest: It's foolish to expect consistency in any child age five. Or even ten or fifteen. Kids are bound to have better and worse days, in fact most of the adults have 'cranky days' as well. Kids have more. And very small things set even total PCs off. Too cold, too warm, tired, hungry, thirsty, too excited, drained, whatever and that's enough. And in many ways our difficult children are just typical kids raised to the 10th power. More immature, showing behaviours typical for younger kids than their chronological age and showing them more and more intense way.

    I'm not saying J would be typical and 'he will grow out of it', even though he probably will grow out many of his current issues, he just will find new ways to be not typical in the progress, but at times the solution for difficult days can be simple. And at times there is nothing you can do to make him comfortable and you just have to bear it. Enjoy the good days, be glad he actually has those skills, even if he can't consistently use them yet, it is awesome he does have them. When he matures, he is likely to be able to use them more often and it will get better (at least that is what I'm telling myself, because my difficult child is kind of in the same situation as J as odd as it sounds. He has some new-found awesome skills he is able to use at times, but not yet consistently, and I'm hoping that over time he will be able to use them much more often and constant manner.)
  10. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Malika....dont blame yourself for not giving the father figure! Plenty of us has difficult child's with a fatherfigure present......Dont worry to much about his reaction today.....for us its a given after a great day like yesterday! Sensory wise he most propably used up alot of energy! And also remember...with some of our kids they do struggle with transitions! Maybe getting him a cheap camera to take pics and that he can look at as you leave might help! Hang in there!!!! Y.ou are doing great! Glad your little boy got the chance to have a good experience! This will boost his self esteem....remember to remind him of how good he was with his new friend!!!!
  11. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    I don't believe it is about something you give him or don't give him. It is a complex problem, therefor a complex answer. You can't waste time, energy and emotion wondering about what would be IF... There are facts in life that cannot be changed and his family structure is one of those things.
    I also think that every element in life has a positive AND a negative impact on life. For example, having lots of close friends offer support but also adds complexity (a big issue for some difficult child ).
    The ideal situation does not exist. Now, the real question: what can we do with what we have?
  12. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Yes... thanks... I guess what I wrote was an extension of my continuing inner - and outer - dialogue about where best to go for J. And me too, of course, but just thinking primarily of J. In Morocco J would have a family network and contact with his racial/genetic/emotional inheritance. People have different views about these things but I'm someone who thinks cultural roots and genetic "inheritance" are important. I'm not blaming myself - doesn't come into the equation and is irrelevant, as you say, ktllc. J does have a Moroccan family and father who love him, and whose name he bears, and I increasingly feel he should grow up closer to that. Can't happen yet. But I have taken to looking at riads to renovate in Marrakesh online :)
  13. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    Yes, Malika. That is certainly a possibility for you to move. I really understand why you would not dismiss it: a lot is at stake. Actually, even without any behavior issues, I imagine it would be a very relevant question/decision to make. No one can help you make this decision though, it is entirely up to you. Sometimes I fantasize about moving back to France, but really why not? husband has basically nomore family in the US, so our entire support system is in France! So yes, it has crossed my mind: would it be better to be closer to family? But then, other questions rise: language issue for husband, livelyhood, quality of life and, maybe the most important, appropriate care/agency for kids like V (likely high functioning autism/Aspergers).
    Try not to go nuts over it though. You are not in a rush.
  14. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Malika.......I dont know how open you are regarding the adoption? Is it fully open or semi open? Do you want his bio family to fully be part of his everyday life? Sorry, maybe I misunderstood why you want to move?
    All I want to share, just my experience.....I was very open regarding my difficult child adoption with him....but its semi open so he has no contact with bios....but what I didnt realize is the importance of structure and predictability in his life....He didnt, still dont understand all the aspects of the adoption....So without me realizing it I contributed terribly to his anxieties....making behaviour worse.....What I am trying to say....what ever you do....always keep in mind that everything needs to be in small chuncks....predictable and as less complicated for your son as possible.....
  15. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    No, nothing to do with his bio family, lovelyboy. It is confusing, I realise! My Moroccan ex-husband and I adopted J together when we lived in Morocco together. We subsequently divorced, when J was two, and I (eventually) came to live in France. However, J has had constant contact with my ex-husband and his family; they talk regularly on the phone, we go to Morocco twice a year and he has developed a routine of staying alone (without me) with them in Morocco in the summer holidays. Obviously if we actually lived in Morocco, J would continue with his French education in a French school (he couldn't go to any other now, too difficult and unfair to try to impose Arabic on him at a Moroccan school) and he would have more regular contact with his family.
    The biological family... all I know about his bio. mother, as is typical in these situations, is a first name (fictitious?), an age and a district on the outskirts of Marrakesh where she told the family she lived. She gave birth to him and then "abandoned" him in the hospital. The police had to be called, interviewed a nurse who told them this information, which is how I know it. J knows all about it (not the details, but that he had another mummy to begin with, what her name was, etc) and I started telling him the truth from the beginning, when he was just a baby. I would love for J to meet her one day, but would we be ever be able to find her? Very difficult, but I would certainly help him try if ever he expressed an interest.
    France and Morocco are two intertwined cultures... so many Moroccans grow up in France (but with their Moroccan familiies), so many Moroccans in Morocco speak French; it has even become quite common for Moroccan families to spend two years in France, which gains them access to the French school, which is otherwise difficult for Moroccans to get into... If we went back to Morocco, we wouldn't be in a particularly unusual position and J would of course have the enormous boon of speaking fluent French (albeit with a southern peasant accent :))
    Being alone with J in a culture that is not open and receptive to children with differences quite often feels like an uphill struggle that is not really necessary. Nowhere is going to be easy, straightforward.... but I am thinking of his adolescence also, which seems like it's far away but will arrive in a flash. It will be better for him to have a more secure sense of identity. He doesn't fit here and will never really fit.
    Anyway, I have committed to spending the next year here at the village school and then we will take it from there. I will see a year from now what feels the best course of action.