Day late and dollar short

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by automaton, Sep 7, 2012.

  1. automaton

    automaton New Member

    I just feel absolutely broken; I think I found this place too late.

    There simply is no peace in my house. My daughter seems to be actively trying to have herself removed from my care by CPS. Lying to her teacher, counselor, nurse, and/or school psychologist. They seem to think she craps gold nuggets and pees excellence. No, she just has them wrapped around her finger, and they believe every word she says. My household is now held hostage to the whims of a 10 year old with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), trichotillomania, psychosis, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), depression, and severe insomnia (which feeds the psychosis). She has absolutely no motivation to follow household rules since all she had to do is cry abuse to her school, and they call me in to rake me over the coals. Most recently, she told them I made her take twice her dose of medicine because she was sleeping in class when the truth was simply that she refused to go to bed the night before. I would never, but because she said it, it must be true.

    I've already started talking to other family members about who might be able to take her. Going to see a lawyer next week to have guardianship papers drawn up for my youngest child, so that if the oldest does manage to get CPS involved before I can get her settled elsewhere, the baby will be transfered to the custody of a family friend as opposed to the state.

    I must be living someone else's nightmare.
  2. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I personally have never had any experience with CPS, but maybe having them called in might actually be able to help you. What if you called them and told them what she is making false reports towards you to her school counselors and teachers? That might trigger getting you some help and services that are not avaliable to you now.

    Tell us about yourself. Who diagnosed your difficult child? What medications is she on? If her father in the picture?

    I am very sorry that you are going through this. I know it's emotionally draining, but you have found some very big shoulders to lean on here.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you are going through this. Can you tell us more of the history of your child so that we have a better picture? I agree that it's best to act cooperative toward CPS even if they are making bizarre allegations. They get very testy when you disagree with them...better to have them on your side.

    Your daughter sounds very mentally ill. Maybe she believes what she says, if she hallucinates. At any rate, you do need help from somewhere. Is there a father in the picture?
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    The grass always appears greener on the other side! When Diva was about that age, she started behavior issues to the point she wanted to find a new place to live. Our day care provider had worked in the foster care system as a caregiver and sat down with Diva, her dad, and I to paint the real picture of life in foster care if all places were like her home. She told Diva that she would no longer get by with the behaviors at home. She would have house chores that would get done by her. In other words, leaving your home will not be an escape from chores but the expectations to follow household rules will be stronger.

    Most importantly, she explained to Diva that she would have no say over where she gets to live including when she gets to go home. She may realize how nice she had it at home (the provider pointed out that she and difficult child had a great home with parents who invested more quality into their lives than most other kids) and decide she wants to return but the courts could refuse. She really did not have control over the rules of the house and where she got to live. So she should be grateful for the home she had now.

    This was after a counseling session where the therapist who admitted he had no experience with kids suggested she set the household's evening routine! We did not go back to him. Kids need to know there is authority outside themselves that set the rules and they have to follow them. Tdocs who work with kids have to uphold the parents as authority figures. So many things kids may not like but it is the parent's right to set the rules of the house and the child's place to follow those rules. A good therapist will tell the child that a home is about teamwork and everyone needs to do their part to make it work. Tdocs also need to be open to finding the whole story and not just believe the child's understanding about what is going on.
  5. automaton

    automaton New Member

    Thank you, all. It's never occured to me to get them involved; I just see their involvement as so negative.

    I am a 32 y.o. student; re-educating for a new career because I haven't been able to find work since 2010. I spent this whole past summer doing fun things with my kids; I actually thought progress was being made. Then school started, and we're right back where we were about 5 months ago. I am married, but not to her father; her father is not in the picture much, and wasn't in the picture at all until less than a year ago.

    Five months ago, I was at a job interview when I got an urgent call from the school that difficult child wasn't feeling well. When I asked what was wrong, they were vague, but said seemed to be running a fever. When I got there, she was playing, running around, hiding under desks - not looking a bit ill. So, I told her let's go, I'll check her temp at home. The school counselor stopped me and asked one of the office assistants to keep and eye on difficult child while we had a talk. She told me that difficult child told her that she'd try to kill herself by hanging herself with a belt in her closet, and that I wouldn't be allowed to take difficult child unless they could be assured I was taking her to an urgent care mental facility. I explained that because our family is military affiliated, it won't work that way for us; at best, I could take her to the ER, otherwise, I'd be looking at making an appointment. with- her PCP who would then have to give me a referal to take her to a mental health facility. Counselor insisted that option 2 wasn't an option, and they'd be checking up on her in 12 hours. At that time, she wasn't even tall enough to touch the bar in her closet - she's quite petite; 6th percentile on height - and I pointed this fact out to the Counselor only to have her insist. At home, issues had been escallating. She'd been hurting one of our pets who was a rescue and didn't have the ability to get away, fight back, or even cry loud enough for anyone to know he was being hurt. The baby was also mysteriously getting hurt often. Always when she was in the room with- difficult child and always when I had to turn my back for a second.

    The Behavioral On-Call at the ER placed her mandatory 72 hour watch, and then had her placed in a mental hospital for high risk youth. Previously, she'd been diagnosis'd ADHD. The psychiatrist there stripped her of the ADHD diagnosis, and diagnosis'd her with all of the above instead. She had been on clonidine for insomnia, but it wasn't working at all - to the tune of her being awake sometimes for a week at a stretch. She was switched to melatonin which has worked wonders. It's not a miracle cure, and she still has nights where sleep does not come easy, but at least she no longer has nights where sleep does not come at all. She had also been on adderall and then what seemed to me to be alarmingly high doses of concerta for the ADHD; those were replaced with zoloft (currently 150 mg) for anxiety and risperdal (currently 1 mg taken in 1/2 mg doses twice per day) for hallucinations.

    I think it's natural in this situation to blame yourself, and I did. I made spending time with- difficult child my #1 priority the entire summer. We watched what she wanted to watch on t.v., we played the games she wanted to play, I bought season tickets to a water park about an hour away, and we spent *every* Saturday there from the time they opened until about 30 min. before they closed. She just told me a few days ago that I never spend any time with her; I'm always too busy grocery shopping or cleaning the house or cooking dinner. Her psychosis warps her sense of reality, and to her, I really don't spend any time with her, so I guess that, no matter what, there just seem to be no winners.
  6. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I think that when we first told that CPS might become involved we see it as a negative, but I could be something positive. Your difficult child sounds like she has alot going on.

    Doesn't it frustrate you when you spend all kinds of time with them, only to be told that you do nothing? My difficult child does that and it drives me up the wall!! But, you also have to understand that alot of times perception is reality. For the longest time difficult child would tell the therapist that no one loved him. Not me. Not his father. Not his grandparents or aunts or uncles. No one. No matter what we did for him it was never good enough for him. We had to spend alot of time with him, getting him to the point where he understands that he is loved a great deal, but there are times when he may not be liked a whole lot because of the things that he says and does to us. And he still doesn't always get that "love" and "like" can be two totally different things.

    If she is hurting your other children or pet, that is something that needs to be brought to the attention of her psychiatrist. Physical aggression can not be allowed, which is eaiser said than done, I know. We're dealing with that here as well. How does she behave in school? What kind of student is she?
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome...sorry you had to find us but glad you did. You will receive alot of great advice from different CD family members. I agree that CPS has such an ominous ring to the name that it's easy to forget they can help. on the other hand, just like in the school system it's the luck of the draw in being assigned a professional.

    My only, first and foremost, suggestion is start documenting every single day. It doesn't have to written like a novel but make notes on a daily basis in an appointment. book or notebook using dates and keeping it out of sight from difficult child. There are many advantages to doing this type of record. Sometimes a parent "sees" a pattern that they have not noticed before that can help the household. on the other hand the most valuable reason to note daily medications and behaviors and battles and fun is so you have documented proof that you are trying every day to find the best way to help your daughter and your family. It's ok to briefly note your own reactions as well. Should CPS become involved, should you change psychiatrists, should you end up with law enforcement matter what happens you will have a dairy showing the truth. It also can be helpful in getting an IEP at the school so she gets additional appropriate supports. Hugs DDD
  8. Methuselah

    Methuselah New Member

    Hi Automaton, I am very sorry you and your family are going through this. I know the pain and heartbreak you are going through. My difficult child 1 is very much like your daughter, less your daughter's dxs. My daughter is perceived as being good, decent, and innocent by the outside world, including the school, all due to her charming, conning, manipulative, lying ways. We, however, are the evil, abusive parents, again due to her lies, manipulations, etc. She tells despicable lies about our family, me in particular, which have resulted in CPS investigating. It is a horrible, heartbreaking experience. Thankfully, we were cleared. The one thing I learned from all of that is this: DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Keep a journal and log very lie in detail. I even log every conversation I have with her, so when she lies about what was said the next day, I have it all written down already. Logging the lies establishes patterns, so if CPS investigates, you show what really happened and how your daughter is lying. It is a horrible way to live, but it is important to protect yourself and your family.

    Again, I'm sorry you have to go through this, too.
  9. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Is a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) an option? Since she is hurting the pets and other kids it might be helpful.

    Something I've done is to document/log daily then send it in an e-mail to difficult child 1's therapist once a week. I also have professionals come into my home for the other kids at least once a month. When I am accused of something (by X not difficult child 1) they can vouch for me. This happened just last month. Sometimes I have the professionals come into my home to have therapy with the other kids because of what difficult child 1 has done to them.

    I know it seems counter intuitive to start inviting professionals in when threatened by cps, but me having so many people come in is the only reason cps hasn't investigated me by now.

    Good luck.