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dazed and confused
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 630725" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Dazed, many of our kids have personality disorders, which I have been studying like crazy because I think my son has one.They often lead to drug addiction, but both can stand alone.</p><p></p><p>Actually, I believe many of our grown kids were nice to us, sometimes even as children, simply because they, having the extra perception of a child/adult with a budding personality disorder, know that they get more from us if they are nice to us. The real them often pops out the minute the money stops. It isn't always because of drugs, but some adult children were fine until the drugs and addiction. Others had antisocial, borderline and narcissistic traits before that and didn't need to use them on us because we gave them essentially anything they wanted.</p><p></p><p>Until we stopped.</p><p></p><p>Then they weren't so nice anymore.</p><p></p><p>I have no idea what your daughter is like when she isn't on drugs. I don't know any clues you may have had that maybe she had some meanness inside of her. I knew. I hated it, but I knew. Some adult kids honestly are fine until the illness of addiction takes over...then all bets are off. Often it is both.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing you can do to change your daughter. She has to do all of it. Nor should you enable her horrible behavior or let her get away with stealing. It will only get worse. She isn't that little baby you cuddled in the hospital or that cute, cheeky little ten year old who hugged your. She is a grown woman who is in her mid-twenties and knows exactly what she is doing. When we look at our adult kids, often we revert to them as they once were, but that isn't them now. It is irrelevant. We are stuck dealing with what we have now.</p><p></p><p>When we go to our meetings, I don't take it to mean we are going for our adult children who are in trouble. I think of it as going for myself, so I can learn better coping mechanisms and join a fellowship of others who won't judge me. It's all about me learn to survive the trauma at the meetings, although, of course, it is our adult children who brought us there. It is still about OUR recovery from their problems. It is not to learn how to fix them because we can't.</p><p></p><p>Your husband and other daughter are dealing with this family member's betrayal in their own ways. She has done the family harm and is not sorry. You all need to handle this in your own way. For all of you, including your addict daughter, it is your own journey. You can not walk this path together. And it is different for all. And, yes, time does make your perspective sharper and time tends to give us much wisdom.</p><p></p><p>Extra hugs. So sorry you are hurting.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 630725, member: 1550"] Dazed, many of our kids have personality disorders, which I have been studying like crazy because I think my son has one.They often lead to drug addiction, but both can stand alone. Actually, I believe many of our grown kids were nice to us, sometimes even as children, simply because they, having the extra perception of a child/adult with a budding personality disorder, know that they get more from us if they are nice to us. The real them often pops out the minute the money stops. It isn't always because of drugs, but some adult children were fine until the drugs and addiction. Others had antisocial, borderline and narcissistic traits before that and didn't need to use them on us because we gave them essentially anything they wanted. Until we stopped. Then they weren't so nice anymore. I have no idea what your daughter is like when she isn't on drugs. I don't know any clues you may have had that maybe she had some meanness inside of her. I knew. I hated it, but I knew. Some adult kids honestly are fine until the illness of addiction takes over...then all bets are off. Often it is both. There is nothing you can do to change your daughter. She has to do all of it. Nor should you enable her horrible behavior or let her get away with stealing. It will only get worse. She isn't that little baby you cuddled in the hospital or that cute, cheeky little ten year old who hugged your. She is a grown woman who is in her mid-twenties and knows exactly what she is doing. When we look at our adult kids, often we revert to them as they once were, but that isn't them now. It is irrelevant. We are stuck dealing with what we have now. When we go to our meetings, I don't take it to mean we are going for our adult children who are in trouble. I think of it as going for myself, so I can learn better coping mechanisms and join a fellowship of others who won't judge me. It's all about me learn to survive the trauma at the meetings, although, of course, it is our adult children who brought us there. It is still about OUR recovery from their problems. It is not to learn how to fix them because we can't. Your husband and other daughter are dealing with this family member's betrayal in their own ways. She has done the family harm and is not sorry. You all need to handle this in your own way. For all of you, including your addict daughter, it is your own journey. You can not walk this path together. And it is different for all. And, yes, time does make your perspective sharper and time tends to give us much wisdom. Extra hugs. So sorry you are hurting. [/QUOTE]
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