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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 712877" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>Welcome BrokenheartedMum,</p><p></p><p>You have found a safe place to start on a new journey to your own peace in your situation.</p><p></p><p>When I finally reached the point where I recognized the need for detachment, and made a decision to act to stop enabling, I felt peace in little by little increments, over the last almost 2 years since I found this forum. I knew detachment and stopping the enabling was the only way, as you have stated you realize after reading and processing the detachment article. <a href="https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/" target="_blank">Article on Detachment</a></p><p>I didn’t know what would happen to my son, and I had a lot of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), but I knew the situation could not stay the way it was. Our family's situation with my difficult child son (mid 30s) was intolerable and it was bad for my health and attitude. It was feeling so resentful and almost hateful. This kind of situation was not good for either me and husband nor for our son.</p><p></p><p>It sounds like you have come a long way in now recognizing the need for detachment and it sounds like you want to take action towards detachment. At this site, you know you are not alone in this process.</p><p></p><p>Detachment does not mean breaking off all contact. We still love our children. Detachment with love doesn't mean anything "mean” or unkind, it just means standing back from a distance and watching the life of someone we love, without interference, and without trying to "fix" anything. Detaching does not mean you are turning your back on your son. It means you are stepping back, setting clear boundaries and limiting engagement, etc. so he can move on with his life the way he will. Both you and he are better off.</p><p></p><p>Every day that I visit this site, whether or not I post anything, I always learn something and strengthen my clarity, understanding, peace, thankfulness, etc. This is a safe place and I am glad you found us here. It is a relief to share with people who understand and to know you are not alone.</p><p></p><p>This whole forum, and the many stories of deliverance here as well as stories of learning to make it through each day, one day at a time, seems to come around to this – that the only way to find peace for both ourselves and our difficult children is through the process of really understanding and implementing <u>detachment</u>. It’s usually the first thing we introduce newcomers to read about and learn.</p><p></p><p><u>Detachment includes the following</u>:</p><p></p><p>· Full acceptance of our adult difficult children for who they are ~ It’s not our approval of their behavior, not pride in their intellect or accomplishments, but our releasing them and giving them their right to be free to be who they are because they are adults, and because we are powerless to fix or control them. Any attempt “to fix” or “make better” only brings misery.</p><p></p><p>· Detachment from the outcome – detachment from the result of their choices (even destructive choices, which we may initially see as betrayal, or painful) that these difficult children make in their lives. Detachment from the outcome is releasing our own desires ... releasing our attachment to the likes and comforts we know or wish for ... detaching from and releasing fear and insecurity of what may happen ... and realizing that it will be what it will be, and we will survive and handle it.</p><p></p><p>· The (Detachment) process is designed to be healing (not hurtful.) Wounds can remain painful as they are in the initial healing process, but the design is to HEAL / to relieve ~ not hurt.</p><p></p><p>· Only if we resist, keep fighting it, feel victimized, want to stay in control, remain enabling, keep opening the boundary gates, keep in the "rinse / repeat" pattern .... then yes, it does keeps hurting ~ over and over ~ until we learn what we need to.</p><p></p><p>I must cut short now, as I have to go out, but others will come along shortly and give more insight and wisdom in your situation. Stay with us here, and read the others’ threads for much guidance, support, and understanding. I will follow along with your thread.</p><p></p><p>Take care. Finding us here is a great new beginning.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 712877, member: 19617"] Welcome BrokenheartedMum, You have found a safe place to start on a new journey to your own peace in your situation. When I finally reached the point where I recognized the need for detachment, and made a decision to act to stop enabling, I felt peace in little by little increments, over the last almost 2 years since I found this forum. I knew detachment and stopping the enabling was the only way, as you have stated you realize after reading and processing the detachment article. [URL='https://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/']Article on Detachment[/URL] I didn’t know what would happen to my son, and I had a lot of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), but I knew the situation could not stay the way it was. Our family's situation with my difficult child son (mid 30s) was intolerable and it was bad for my health and attitude. It was feeling so resentful and almost hateful. This kind of situation was not good for either me and husband nor for our son. It sounds like you have come a long way in now recognizing the need for detachment and it sounds like you want to take action towards detachment. At this site, you know you are not alone in this process. Detachment does not mean breaking off all contact. We still love our children. Detachment with love doesn't mean anything "mean” or unkind, it just means standing back from a distance and watching the life of someone we love, without interference, and without trying to "fix" anything. Detaching does not mean you are turning your back on your son. It means you are stepping back, setting clear boundaries and limiting engagement, etc. so he can move on with his life the way he will. Both you and he are better off. Every day that I visit this site, whether or not I post anything, I always learn something and strengthen my clarity, understanding, peace, thankfulness, etc. This is a safe place and I am glad you found us here. It is a relief to share with people who understand and to know you are not alone. This whole forum, and the many stories of deliverance here as well as stories of learning to make it through each day, one day at a time, seems to come around to this – that the only way to find peace for both ourselves and our difficult children is through the process of really understanding and implementing [U]detachment[/U]. It’s usually the first thing we introduce newcomers to read about and learn. [U]Detachment includes the following[/U]: · Full acceptance of our adult difficult children for who they are ~ It’s not our approval of their behavior, not pride in their intellect or accomplishments, but our releasing them and giving them their right to be free to be who they are because they are adults, and because we are powerless to fix or control them. Any attempt “to fix” or “make better” only brings misery. · Detachment from the outcome – detachment from the result of their choices (even destructive choices, which we may initially see as betrayal, or painful) that these difficult children make in their lives. Detachment from the outcome is releasing our own desires ... releasing our attachment to the likes and comforts we know or wish for ... detaching from and releasing fear and insecurity of what may happen ... and realizing that it will be what it will be, and we will survive and handle it. · The (Detachment) process is designed to be healing (not hurtful.) Wounds can remain painful as they are in the initial healing process, but the design is to HEAL / to relieve ~ not hurt. · Only if we resist, keep fighting it, feel victimized, want to stay in control, remain enabling, keep opening the boundary gates, keep in the "rinse / repeat" pattern .... then yes, it does keeps hurting ~ over and over ~ until we learn what we need to. I must cut short now, as I have to go out, but others will come along shortly and give more insight and wisdom in your situation. Stay with us here, and read the others’ threads for much guidance, support, and understanding. I will follow along with your thread. Take care. Finding us here is a great new beginning. [/QUOTE]
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