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<blockquote data-quote="DoneDad" data-source="post: 712914" data-attributes="member: 17244"><p>If you reaching out involves you having to apologize and beg forgiveness for him abusing you, then it's a no brainer that you shouldn't do it. The other posters have given you wise counsel already. </p><p></p><p>Detachment doesn't mean no contact, but the only options are not </p><p>1. Being his punching bag that he takes his frustrations with his life out on or </p><p>2. No contact. </p><p></p><p>There is a middle way where you have boundaries around how you will allow yourself to be treated. You decide what those are. A basic one should be, if he uses foul language, the next thing he hears is you hanging up. </p><p></p><p>This is not OK. By putting up with this, you are telling him it is OK to treat you like this. If he wants to have a relationship with you, it has to be based on respect. If he asks your opinion on something, tell him your opinion. If he doesn't like it, that's his business. Would you let other people call you up and curse at you? If not, then why are you letting your son do it?</p><p></p><p></p><p>I think maybe you're putting too much on your own shoulders. For </p><p>1. it's not up to you to diagnose him. You're not a psychiatrist. He's 29 years old, so you can't make him seek professional help. All you can do is figure out how you are going to respond to his behaviors. </p><p>2. This is where you do have power. Sometimes the right words are, "Goodbye, we'll talk later when you can be respectful"</p><p>3. You can't do this. You can suggest it, but you can't make him to do anything. Realizing this is a big part of detachment. He's free to be his own person. But you're also free to allow as much or as little of his behavior into your life as you want.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DoneDad, post: 712914, member: 17244"] If you reaching out involves you having to apologize and beg forgiveness for him abusing you, then it's a no brainer that you shouldn't do it. The other posters have given you wise counsel already. Detachment doesn't mean no contact, but the only options are not 1. Being his punching bag that he takes his frustrations with his life out on or 2. No contact. There is a middle way where you have boundaries around how you will allow yourself to be treated. You decide what those are. A basic one should be, if he uses foul language, the next thing he hears is you hanging up. This is not OK. By putting up with this, you are telling him it is OK to treat you like this. If he wants to have a relationship with you, it has to be based on respect. If he asks your opinion on something, tell him your opinion. If he doesn't like it, that's his business. Would you let other people call you up and curse at you? If not, then why are you letting your son do it? I think maybe you're putting too much on your own shoulders. For 1. it's not up to you to diagnose him. You're not a psychiatrist. He's 29 years old, so you can't make him seek professional help. All you can do is figure out how you are going to respond to his behaviors. 2. This is where you do have power. Sometimes the right words are, "Goodbye, we'll talk later when you can be respectful" 3. You can't do this. You can suggest it, but you can't make him to do anything. Realizing this is a big part of detachment. He's free to be his own person. But you're also free to allow as much or as little of his behavior into your life as you want. [/QUOTE]
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