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Dealing with desperation
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 730146" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>I had a discussion in my head as I drove to work, it was the title to your post that triggered my pondering, and memories flooding in about past experiences with my two. It becomes a level of PTSD after dealing with this for so many years.</p><p></p><p>I said the word silently in my mind, slowly, <em>desperation</em>.</p><p></p><p>It is a terrible place to be. It can be altogether contagious as our loved ones go through troublesome times, like quicksand, we find ourselves just.....sinking emotionally along with them.</p><p>Then I was thinking on all of those times, some “emergency” occurred and we would spring into action to fix whatever for one or both of our two, dropping everything and rearranging our lives and home for them to “recover” hopefully rebuild, renew, <em>do something different</em>.</p><p> It was if their desperation became ours, our responsibility. They would settle in, the emergency was over, they found an answer for them, continued drugging, and the desperation they brought was shifted over to <em>us</em>.</p><p>It eeked out of my pores......I sweat, cried and bled <em>their desperation.</em></p><p></p><p>Desperation is described in the dictionary, as</p><p>“A state of despair, typically one that results in rash or extreme behavior.”</p><p>Huh.</p><p>Yup, that was us.</p><p>That feeling of helplessness, that <em>we</em> had to do <em>something. We had to fix this. </em></p><p>My two<em>, </em>and most addicts, are very manipulative and clever at whipping other people into a frenzy over their current dramatic event, then when “rescued” it was just another Tuesday for them.</p><p>The desperation long gone, as they settled in and quickly resumed partying, and left me quaking and depleted, a mere shell of myself.</p><p></p><p>I wore their desperation so many, many times.</p><p></p><p>It became my own.</p><p></p><p>That is the machinations of having addicted loved ones, that <em>we</em> <em>are more affected by their choices than they are.</em></p><p>As I read the definition this morning</p><p>“Desperation results in rash, or extreme behavior.”</p><p> I began to see again that correlation between an addicts intense need to “feed the beast” stopping at nothing to satisfy that unsatiable need to be high.</p><p>Desperation.</p><p> Stepping on the hearts of loved ones, stealing, lying.</p><p>Intertwined in all of that, was our <em>desperation that they be well</em>.</p><p> Rearranging our home, hiding our cash and valuables. Putting keyed locks on our interior doors. Locking our wallets in our cars.</p><p></p><p>It was insane.</p><p><em></em></p><p><em>Rash and extreme behavior, on both ends, them and us. </em></p><p></p><p>Looking back, the sane and rational thing to do (which I am training for constantly now) was, and still is to put up Star Trekkian force fields against that desperation, not <em>absorb it as my own</em>.</p><p></p><p>Looking at them and saying resolutely and firmly,</p><p> “You are old enough, and quite capable to take care of yourself, if you choose to.</p><p> I have faith that you can.”</p><p></p><p>Then take a deep, deep breath.</p><p></p><p>Despair/ <em>air. </em></p><p>That is my answer to that lonely sinking place I can go to, if I let myself go there.</p><p>Just stop Leafy.</p><p>Pray. Think. Breathe.</p><p></p><p>Desperation/Despair.</p><p></p><p>The definition of despair is “the complete loss or absence of hope.”</p><p></p><p>Hope is my lifeline.Where there is life, there is hope. I place my faith in prayer and hope that my two will see their light and potential.</p><p></p><p>I just know that I am not the one to “fix” them.</p><p>I know too, that I can’t put my life on hold waiting for them to get better.</p><p></p><p>They have got to want that for themselves.</p><p></p><p>Thank you to anyone following along on this soliloquy.</p><p>The musings of a Mom, weary of grieving over something <em>I have absolutely no control over.</em></p><p></p><p>Please forgive my rambling, Note4u, your title struck a chord with me, on how many, many times I have been in that desolate place over my two.</p><p>I don’t want to go there anymore.</p><p>It is too hard.</p><p>I hope you or your wife don’t allow yourselves to be there along with your stepson. Don’t allow him to drop his desperation at your doorstep.</p><p>It is his consequence for his choices, not your cross to bare.</p><p>Please find time to be kind to yourselves, to seek help, to create healthy boundaries for your hearts and home.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p><p>Ps to RE, thank you so much for your kind words. You have to know how much I have learned from you and your quest to live in gratitude. Everyone else here has offered so much support as well and I am extremely thankful</p><p>Note4u, this is a good place to sort all of this out.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 730146, member: 19522"] I had a discussion in my head as I drove to work, it was the title to your post that triggered my pondering, and memories flooding in about past experiences with my two. It becomes a level of PTSD after dealing with this for so many years. I said the word silently in my mind, slowly, [I]desperation[/I]. It is a terrible place to be. It can be altogether contagious as our loved ones go through troublesome times, like quicksand, we find ourselves just.....sinking emotionally along with them. Then I was thinking on all of those times, some “emergency” occurred and we would spring into action to fix whatever for one or both of our two, dropping everything and rearranging our lives and home for them to “recover” hopefully rebuild, renew, [I]do something different[/I]. It was if their desperation became ours, our responsibility. They would settle in, the emergency was over, they found an answer for them, continued drugging, and the desperation they brought was shifted over to [I]us[/I]. It eeked out of my pores......I sweat, cried and bled [I]their desperation.[/I] Desperation is described in the dictionary, as “A state of despair, typically one that results in rash or extreme behavior.” Huh. Yup, that was us. That feeling of helplessness, that [I]we[/I] had to do [I]something. We had to fix this. [/I] My two[I], [/I]and most addicts, are very manipulative and clever at whipping other people into a frenzy over their current dramatic event, then when “rescued” it was just another Tuesday for them. The desperation long gone, as they settled in and quickly resumed partying, and left me quaking and depleted, a mere shell of myself. I wore their desperation so many, many times. It became my own. That is the machinations of having addicted loved ones, that [I]we[/I] [I]are more affected by their choices than they are.[/I] As I read the definition this morning “Desperation results in rash, or extreme behavior.” I began to see again that correlation between an addicts intense need to “feed the beast” stopping at nothing to satisfy that unsatiable need to be high. Desperation. Stepping on the hearts of loved ones, stealing, lying. Intertwined in all of that, was our [I]desperation that they be well[/I]. Rearranging our home, hiding our cash and valuables. Putting keyed locks on our interior doors. Locking our wallets in our cars. It was insane. [I] Rash and extreme behavior, on both ends, them and us. [/I] Looking back, the sane and rational thing to do (which I am training for constantly now) was, and still is to put up Star Trekkian force fields against that desperation, not [I]absorb it as my own[/I]. Looking at them and saying resolutely and firmly, “You are old enough, and quite capable to take care of yourself, if you choose to. I have faith that you can.” Then take a deep, deep breath. Despair/ [I]air. [/I] That is my answer to that lonely sinking place I can go to, if I let myself go there. Just stop Leafy. Pray. Think. Breathe. Desperation/Despair. The definition of despair is “the complete loss or absence of hope.” Hope is my lifeline.Where there is life, there is hope. I place my faith in prayer and hope that my two will see their light and potential. I just know that I am not the one to “fix” them. I know too, that I can’t put my life on hold waiting for them to get better. They have got to want that for themselves. Thank you to anyone following along on this soliloquy. The musings of a Mom, weary of grieving over something [I]I have absolutely no control over.[/I] Please forgive my rambling, Note4u, your title struck a chord with me, on how many, many times I have been in that desolate place over my two. I don’t want to go there anymore. It is too hard. I hope you or your wife don’t allow yourselves to be there along with your stepson. Don’t allow him to drop his desperation at your doorstep. It is his consequence for his choices, not your cross to bare. Please find time to be kind to yourselves, to seek help, to create healthy boundaries for your hearts and home. (((Hugs))) Leafy Ps to RE, thank you so much for your kind words. You have to know how much I have learned from you and your quest to live in gratitude. Everyone else here has offered so much support as well and I am extremely thankful Note4u, this is a good place to sort all of this out. [/QUOTE]
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