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Parent Emeritus
Dealing with desperation
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<blockquote data-quote="Albatross" data-source="post: 730163" data-attributes="member: 17720"><p>Welcome, Note4U. Glad you found us, and sorry you and your wife are once again in the wringer because of your stepson's bad choices.</p><p></p><p>As I read your summary of what has happened, I wonder what will be different *this* time if you let him move back in with you.</p><p></p><p>He hasn't stopped drinking, hasn't gotten a job, hasn't made any move toward paying his debts, hasn't set an appointment with the counselor. He must have known this day was coming, and he could have been proactive about at least SOME of the things he promised before he asked for help once again. I think your expectation that he go to detox is very reasonable.</p><p></p><p>I also wonder why he waited until the last minute to ask for help. Many of our difficult children do so because they know that an urgent situation is more likely to lead to us giving in, again playing into our fear, obligation, and guilt. </p><p>It's beyond horrible to imagine our own child with no place to lay his head, and they count on that. It sounds like your stepson is counting on it now.</p><p></p><p>We let our son move back home on a "pinky-swear" more times than I want to count. Each time we did so, his drinking and drug use and the fallout from it escalated. Why wouldn't it? Why would he ever get sober, when he could get as high as he wanted, with no consequences, in comfort? </p><p></p><p>It took us a long time to realize that our "help" was not helping, and in fact was preventing him from facing the truth about his situation.</p><p></p><p>The help our alcoholic/addict children want is usually not the help they need. It is very hard for parents to give children with substance abuse issues the help they need. We are much too close, much too driven to protect them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Albatross, post: 730163, member: 17720"] Welcome, Note4U. Glad you found us, and sorry you and your wife are once again in the wringer because of your stepson's bad choices. As I read your summary of what has happened, I wonder what will be different *this* time if you let him move back in with you. He hasn't stopped drinking, hasn't gotten a job, hasn't made any move toward paying his debts, hasn't set an appointment with the counselor. He must have known this day was coming, and he could have been proactive about at least SOME of the things he promised before he asked for help once again. I think your expectation that he go to detox is very reasonable. I also wonder why he waited until the last minute to ask for help. Many of our difficult children do so because they know that an urgent situation is more likely to lead to us giving in, again playing into our fear, obligation, and guilt. It's beyond horrible to imagine our own child with no place to lay his head, and they count on that. It sounds like your stepson is counting on it now. We let our son move back home on a "pinky-swear" more times than I want to count. Each time we did so, his drinking and drug use and the fallout from it escalated. Why wouldn't it? Why would he ever get sober, when he could get as high as he wanted, with no consequences, in comfort? It took us a long time to realize that our "help" was not helping, and in fact was preventing him from facing the truth about his situation. The help our alcoholic/addict children want is usually not the help they need. It is very hard for parents to give children with substance abuse issues the help they need. We are much too close, much too driven to protect them. [/QUOTE]
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