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Parent Emeritus
Dealing with difficult child's children, our grandchildren
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 626446" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Wrong. I do understand. </p><p>If your adult kid is a jerk, getting involved with your grandchild (her/his child) is going to cause you a world of hurt. Why put yourself through that when you are trying to make a good life for yourself? I spent very little time lamenting over if Scott's kids were in my life. I don't really consider them bonafide grands as I don't know them and I don't even know him anymore. Cold? I don't know. It just "is."</p><p></p><p>I would like to see more of 36's son, but he moved two states away and I don't have enough money to keep traveling there. And he refuses to drive to Chicago, which is the midway point, because he is phobic about driving and claims grandson hates driving in the car. So be it. I don't think much about him either. Until Julie got pregnant, I didn't really feel like a grandmother. And I still made my life much, much, much etc. better than it had been when I had not learned how to detach. My life is pretty good, in spite of the problems I had and the problems I could whine over with myself if I chose to. On a scale of 1-10, which 10 being the best life ever and 0 being suicide city, my life is in between 7-8, often at 9. Maybe it would not be so satisfying now if I was actually trying to placate a difficult child in order to see a grandchild who I had built up a strong relationship with. I have no idea. I just know that this is the best my life has ever been. Started in my late 40's, that better life, and has continued as I have learned to take care of ME.</p><p></p><p>I do think the laws are garbage and that non-abusive grands should at least be allowed once a month visitation, but again it is what it is. I knew a woman (I know I've spoken of her before...I still know her) who allowed her abusive, drug using daughter, who didn't work and stole from her, and her daughter's felon boyfriend who had spent many moons in jail to live in her house where she paid many of their bills just so that her grands were under her roof. I know how much she loved the grands. She was like the REAL mother. But things got out of control with daughter and felon boyfriend and she had to throw them out for her own safety and of course the girls went with them and were withheld. She called CPS on her daughter and hired a lawyer to try to gain some custody. It was very costly. She did not get any custody. She does see them now sometimes. At this point her three difficult child kids have probably nine kids between them, but she is more peaceful now. She lives in her own apartment (divorced her hub who was not the father of the kdis and it was his house). She still sees the grands when her kids bring them. Often the kids want a break from the kids so she sees them enough. However, she has cut off the money tree and she has no control over when her kids will consent to contact with her.</p><p></p><p>I ran into her recently and we had coffee. She said she is happier not feeling controlled by so many kids and has never felt so free. I understand. Maybe others can't. How long can you be a slave to anybody, even for your grandchildren????</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 626446, member: 1550"] Wrong. I do understand. If your adult kid is a jerk, getting involved with your grandchild (her/his child) is going to cause you a world of hurt. Why put yourself through that when you are trying to make a good life for yourself? I spent very little time lamenting over if Scott's kids were in my life. I don't really consider them bonafide grands as I don't know them and I don't even know him anymore. Cold? I don't know. It just "is." I would like to see more of 36's son, but he moved two states away and I don't have enough money to keep traveling there. And he refuses to drive to Chicago, which is the midway point, because he is phobic about driving and claims grandson hates driving in the car. So be it. I don't think much about him either. Until Julie got pregnant, I didn't really feel like a grandmother. And I still made my life much, much, much etc. better than it had been when I had not learned how to detach. My life is pretty good, in spite of the problems I had and the problems I could whine over with myself if I chose to. On a scale of 1-10, which 10 being the best life ever and 0 being suicide city, my life is in between 7-8, often at 9. Maybe it would not be so satisfying now if I was actually trying to placate a difficult child in order to see a grandchild who I had built up a strong relationship with. I have no idea. I just know that this is the best my life has ever been. Started in my late 40's, that better life, and has continued as I have learned to take care of ME. I do think the laws are garbage and that non-abusive grands should at least be allowed once a month visitation, but again it is what it is. I knew a woman (I know I've spoken of her before...I still know her) who allowed her abusive, drug using daughter, who didn't work and stole from her, and her daughter's felon boyfriend who had spent many moons in jail to live in her house where she paid many of their bills just so that her grands were under her roof. I know how much she loved the grands. She was like the REAL mother. But things got out of control with daughter and felon boyfriend and she had to throw them out for her own safety and of course the girls went with them and were withheld. She called CPS on her daughter and hired a lawyer to try to gain some custody. It was very costly. She did not get any custody. She does see them now sometimes. At this point her three difficult child kids have probably nine kids between them, but she is more peaceful now. She lives in her own apartment (divorced her hub who was not the father of the kdis and it was his house). She still sees the grands when her kids bring them. Often the kids want a break from the kids so she sees them enough. However, she has cut off the money tree and she has no control over when her kids will consent to contact with her. I ran into her recently and we had coffee. She said she is happier not feeling controlled by so many kids and has never felt so free. I understand. Maybe others can't. How long can you be a slave to anybody, even for your grandchildren???? [/QUOTE]
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