Dealing with grief in difficult children???

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by timer lady, Jan 24, 2009.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I rec'd a phone call from wm last night ~ he was with therapist (thank goodness) & completely overwhelmed by grief. All I could do was cry with my son, agree that this wasn't fair & assure him that I loved him & my doctors aren't expecting me to die anytime soon.

    kt, on the other hand, is sitting on her emotions for the most part. Then she will finally explode & lock herself in the bathroom or try to run. I'm encouraging her to talk talk talk. She doesn't want to make me sad or cry. I let her know families should grieve & cry together; it's the natural & loving way & families then heal together. But when one of the family sits on their sadness then explodes it's not healthy.

    I'm exploring grief "workshops" for adolescents that the tweedles can attend together. I mean together. Visiting husband in the hospital & husband utimately dying has brought a maturity to the surface in each of them. They seem to be maintaining in each other's company. We'll see.

    I have one therapist who agrees - another who doesn't. There comes a time when mom has to make the decision though. AND I may change my mind by the end of the day. Who knows ~ I certainly don't.

    I have even crazier ideas burning in my head; ones that will make everyone crazy so I decline to discuss them at this moment. I may not be completely in my right mind at this time.
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member


    Your thoughts regarding grieving are so on target it amazes me. I love that a family grieves together, etc. Sounds to me your in your right mind as usual :)

    Maybe hopefully through this they can learn to lean on one another and find solace in eachother, this is a horrible nightmare for all of you i cannot even imagine, i applaude your strength and resilency yet maybe through this something can come good of it for them. I like the idea of the group thing.

    I respect your right not to want to share the other ideas, but hey if you can't tell us who can you tell? :) i'm all ears for one whenever you want to share them.

    sending all of you hugs. by the way I think just allowing him to vent like that and be sad was perfect. At times that's all they need. your doing a great job dont' doubt yourself for a second.
  3. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Linda, I can't even begin to imagine everything you are dealing with and going through right now. But, I am amazed at the clarity and logic you are thinking with. Yes, you may disagree with the clarity part but you ARE.

    As for the Tweedles, maybe this will act as a turning point in their interactions and relationship in that they are in the same boat so to speak and realize they need to support each other. While they have different experiences and memories of their dad because of their individual living situations, he was still Dad to both and it sounds like they get that. (if that makes any sense)

    Personally, I think the grief workshop is a wonderful idea. As many great people as it sounds like they have on each of their teams, no one truly knows what they have gone through or are going through. But at a grief workshop, there are people who KNOW, who can say "Yeah, I stood beside my Dad's bed in the hospital too." I don't know what they have in your area but I know here, there is a place that is for kids dealing with grief. It doesn't even have to be a parent or family member that's passed, it could have been anyone the child knew. I believe it was started by a family who had a child die and wanted something to help their other kids.

    As for the docs....they sound wonderful but doctors don't know everything. Listen to your mommy heart. If you think Kt and Wm should do this together then do it. It's not like you're going to throw them in a room together and leave....I'm sure you and the team will have a plan. But I agree, it sounds like this could really do them some good. Just please take the time to do things for yourself also. If you need to go to grief counseling, do it. Even if you think there isn't the time for it because of the kids....there is. From what you've posted about the Tweedle's teams in the past, I'm positive they would completely understand if you needed a little more support now and then for you to be able to take care of your own emotional needs. You're no good to them if you are in need also.

    Friend, you may not think you're in your right mind at the moment but to me, it sounds like you're at least on the right track.

  4. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Each of you will need your own time and method of grieving, but for your twins to know that it's safe to grieve at home, with family, is priceless. You are such a wonderful mom to them. A grief workshop for teens sounds like a very promising idea ... it might or might not be what works for either of your kids but sounds worth a look.

    They will need a lot of reassurance that you're not going anywhere. Just being there, without even having to know the right thing to say, will be what they need.

    I hope you have some support for you. That's the most important thing for your whole family, that you have help and whatever you need. Then you'll be able to be there for the tweedles.

    Many hugs, many thoughts, many prayers.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That sounds like a great idea! I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. My father died when I was 5 1/2yo- if I think of any ideas you might want to consider, I'll post them.
  6. ML

    ML Guest

    How miraculous it is to hear you speak of the tweedles sharing the grieving process together. Their father just may have left them a legacy yet. Hugs to you and the tweedles. ML
  7. Penta

    Penta New Member

    MY girl and I attended grief workshops run by hospice long ago after my daughter/her Mom died suddenly. They were excellent. Included art therapy, expressive games and such. Those workshops were a Godsend to us. I highly recommend them.

    Parents and children met separately.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Linda I think your ideas are good and sound.

  9. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I think I'm pulling it together some days ~ others not so much. I appreciate you all being here & listening.

    The hospital that husband was in offers bereavement groups & I've spoken with the chaplain there several times about this. If I can get the transportation for wm I can pull this together. No matter what various tdocs think.
  10. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Linda, that's true in everyday life! LOL I for one think you are handling things beautifully!