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Dealing with news of a suicide
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<blockquote data-quote="GuideMe" data-source="post: 641953" data-attributes="member: 18233"><p>No, you are not wrong for feeling that way. I have thought a lot about why people commit suicide, had it happen to someone very close, a couple of people in fact, and one time, I was on the brink of it myself. Right there at the door. The door was just waiting for me to knock. I didn't want to end my life. I wanted to live. But I wanted the pain to stop. The unrelenting pain. It felt like there was an iron on my soul for a very long time. The emotional pain was torture and although I have suffered from severe depression for a long time, I never suffered anything like that before in my entire life. I think the human mind can only take so much. Sometimes, I get very angry at God that I had to experience pain like that. It took a toll. My point is, I understand it. I understand now why and how people can actually take their own lives. I would never want someone like that to suffer, so I understand what you mean. You can't save everyone from suicide. When you think like you are right now "am I terrible person for thinking like that?", NO! YOU ARE NOT! It just means you have compassion.</p><p></p><p>However, you don't want to lose your son to suicide, that's for sure. You have to challenge him every time he mentions it. If he says "mom, if you really loved me you would accept my decision and let me do what I need to do", you say to him, "<em><u>son, I can't accept it because the reasons why you want to do it, everything bad you believe about yourself, are false. I can't accept a decision that you can never take back because they are derived and based on false reasons. Even if some of the things you believe about yourself are true , everyone deserves forgiveness and a chance to be happy, no matter how bad the sin or sins. And for all who </u></em><u><em>committed trespasses against you, you didn't deserve it. <strong>You didn't deserve it.</strong> So no, I cannot accept your decision, especially since I truly don't know what the reasons are. I know you have things that deeply, deeply bother you that you refuse to tell me or anyone else about that are hidden deep down inside. You once and for all need to let it all come to light so you can get help, forgiveness, truth, healing and then happiness. Again, I refuse to accept a decision like that without at least knowing the truth, the real truth and all of the truth and even if you don't tell me, at least you can tell someone else, but you can't tell me that you have tried ALL that you can, you cannot tell me that with a straight face, so no I will not accept it."</em></u> Maybe you can text or email him that. Take what you want from it, re-write it, add some things, but at least it's something and it's a challenge to his thoughts of taking his own life. It seems that at this point in time, well at least before his boyfriend suicide, that he is taking your acceptance seriously by asking "why can't you just accept it?" That tells me, he needs your acceptance. Don't ever appear accept it. I know that you never would anyway. If he does ever commit suicide god for bid, it will be of his own mind making, but him asking you for acceptance, means you might have a say so in his decision in his opinion. At the end of the day, no matter what he decides, you could never be at fault for a decision like that. You can't blame yourself. However, I wouldn't tell him any of this right now. Right now, a crisis is happening. Or maybe you can, I really don't know. This is something I would use in the far future if the problem still exist months or years from now and if it gets to be too much, you might have to start calling the police every time he threatens it. You can't, (no one can) , talk someone out of a suicide all the time. <u><em><strong>It's just not possible.</strong></em></u></p><p></p><p>Everyone deserves a chance to be happy, they just got to believe it themselves that they are worth, no matter what might have happen to them or what they might have done themselves. They need to forgive themselves for whatever they perceived that they did wrong. They need to stop blaming themselves for things that were and were not their fault. They need to stop beating themselves up, especially for things they did when they were kids and teens.</p><p></p><p>As for your worry about your son on how he is going to take the news, your concerns are valid. This is will change his world right now and cause major upset. However, it might take some time for him to digest it. When he finds out , he could very well go into shock and denial. Not feel anything for weeks or months, then bam, out of nowhere, all the feelings will hit him. So keep that in mind that he might seem fine now or for the first few weeks, but that could just be the shock and the shock does wear off. Or, it might him as soon as he finds out. You never know which way it will go, so be aware.</p><p></p><p>At the very end of the day, he is 22 years old now. You can't stop your own life forever or until he gets better. That's just a fact. Things will happen in life and he needs to be strong enough to handle them. You don't deserve any of this either. He needs to get help for himself, he needs to find help for himself. That is not your job anymore. You can help where you can, but it is ultimately up to him. Maybe he should learn from his friends suicide that this is real. This is real life. Depression is real and he himself needs help for it, now or never. This isn't a joke anymore. Maybe it will be the wake up call your son needs. Maybe he can honor his friends suicide by getting help for himself. I would say that to him too if it is the right time.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="GuideMe, post: 641953, member: 18233"] No, you are not wrong for feeling that way. I have thought a lot about why people commit suicide, had it happen to someone very close, a couple of people in fact, and one time, I was on the brink of it myself. Right there at the door. The door was just waiting for me to knock. I didn't want to end my life. I wanted to live. But I wanted the pain to stop. The unrelenting pain. It felt like there was an iron on my soul for a very long time. The emotional pain was torture and although I have suffered from severe depression for a long time, I never suffered anything like that before in my entire life. I think the human mind can only take so much. Sometimes, I get very angry at God that I had to experience pain like that. It took a toll. My point is, I understand it. I understand now why and how people can actually take their own lives. I would never want someone like that to suffer, so I understand what you mean. You can't save everyone from suicide. When you think like you are right now "am I terrible person for thinking like that?", NO! YOU ARE NOT! It just means you have compassion. However, you don't want to lose your son to suicide, that's for sure. You have to challenge him every time he mentions it. If he says "mom, if you really loved me you would accept my decision and let me do what I need to do", you say to him, "[I][U]son, I can't accept it because the reasons why you want to do it, everything bad you believe about yourself, are false. I can't accept a decision that you can never take back because they are derived and based on false reasons. Even if some of the things you believe about yourself are true , everyone deserves forgiveness and a chance to be happy, no matter how bad the sin or sins. And for all who [/U][/I][U][I]committed trespasses against you, you didn't deserve it. [B]You didn't deserve it.[/B] So no, I cannot accept your decision, especially since I truly don't know what the reasons are. I know you have things that deeply, deeply bother you that you refuse to tell me or anyone else about that are hidden deep down inside. You once and for all need to let it all come to light so you can get help, forgiveness, truth, healing and then happiness. Again, I refuse to accept a decision like that without at least knowing the truth, the real truth and all of the truth and even if you don't tell me, at least you can tell someone else, but you can't tell me that you have tried ALL that you can, you cannot tell me that with a straight face, so no I will not accept it."[/I][/U] Maybe you can text or email him that. Take what you want from it, re-write it, add some things, but at least it's something and it's a challenge to his thoughts of taking his own life. It seems that at this point in time, well at least before his boyfriend suicide, that he is taking your acceptance seriously by asking "why can't you just accept it?" That tells me, he needs your acceptance. Don't ever appear accept it. I know that you never would anyway. If he does ever commit suicide god for bid, it will be of his own mind making, but him asking you for acceptance, means you might have a say so in his decision in his opinion. At the end of the day, no matter what he decides, you could never be at fault for a decision like that. You can't blame yourself. However, I wouldn't tell him any of this right now. Right now, a crisis is happening. Or maybe you can, I really don't know. This is something I would use in the far future if the problem still exist months or years from now and if it gets to be too much, you might have to start calling the police every time he threatens it. You can't, (no one can) , talk someone out of a suicide all the time. [U][I][B]It's just not possible.[/B][/I][/U] Everyone deserves a chance to be happy, they just got to believe it themselves that they are worth, no matter what might have happen to them or what they might have done themselves. They need to forgive themselves for whatever they perceived that they did wrong. They need to stop blaming themselves for things that were and were not their fault. They need to stop beating themselves up, especially for things they did when they were kids and teens. As for your worry about your son on how he is going to take the news, your concerns are valid. This is will change his world right now and cause major upset. However, it might take some time for him to digest it. When he finds out , he could very well go into shock and denial. Not feel anything for weeks or months, then bam, out of nowhere, all the feelings will hit him. So keep that in mind that he might seem fine now or for the first few weeks, but that could just be the shock and the shock does wear off. Or, it might him as soon as he finds out. You never know which way it will go, so be aware. At the very end of the day, he is 22 years old now. You can't stop your own life forever or until he gets better. That's just a fact. Things will happen in life and he needs to be strong enough to handle them. You don't deserve any of this either. He needs to get help for himself, he needs to find help for himself. That is not your job anymore. You can help where you can, but it is ultimately up to him. Maybe he should learn from his friends suicide that this is real. This is real life. Depression is real and he himself needs help for it, now or never. This isn't a joke anymore. Maybe it will be the wake up call your son needs. Maybe he can honor his friends suicide by getting help for himself. I would say that to him too if it is the right time. [/QUOTE]
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