Dealing with resentment

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Thea Harrison, Oct 22, 2016.

  1. Go slow mama

    Go slow mama Member

    I have spent the last month off work because once again I had hit the wall. My anxiety levels were so high I couldn't function at work and my job is a very demanding & high pressure environment.

    In the past month my son has only made it to school around noon or later. He sleeps through the morning like nothing else in the world is happening. He still smokes weed constantly, and is doing so in the house again after a brief hiatus after I threatened to take off his room door.

    He does not contribute in the home, he treats me with disdain all or most of the time unless he wants something from me. We don't speak, we don't share time & space, he's in his room and/or out of the house for hours without letting me know where he is or when he'll be home.

    I am so tired. I am so depleted and I am so resentful.

    I recently visited a friend who has kids my son's age. They are thriving and reaching milestones that are appropriate for their age. I felt so sick with shame and resentment. I want to feel happy for others around me who have kids who are on track; but I don't. I feel self pity I guess. I never thought I would dislike my own child, for many years we were very close and shared a good relationship.

    These days I feel so resentful I find myself stuck.

    How do you deal with this level of constant negativity?
     
  2. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    .Ugh...I hear you, I feel you, We physically see and feel the tears of anger and frustration.

    First of all...you need to get your ducks in a row, get your anxiety in check. medications, a therapist and other people on y o ur team!

    How is the school putting g up with this? Do u feel you can report him to the police for weed? Juvenile probation....is it illegal there. For sure for a Highschooler.or maybe I forgot...College student?

    I feel strongly..cause I wish we weren't so in the dark when ours was younger. You have lost control...of you. That's the one thing you need control of because your home is yours....YOU don't need to live like this.

    I'm still working on me...Our son is working on him, and is fortunate he has a family to help in the process...but through this I have lost a bit of me..and basically, us.

    My resentment is carried around like a ball and chain...how can we not have it? Yes...I have a hard time seeing other families.. it I have other children who have only done good stuff...and they deserve the parents who can give them positive energy too.

    Go to a meeting...support group, it helps to realise you are not alone!!!

    Hugs...
     
  3. Go slow mama

    Go slow mama Member

    My son is 17 years old. I had him charged with truancy when he was 15, that went through the courts and amounted to nothing. I would have to have hard evidence he is dealing weed to report him to the police. They wouldn't arrest him for any small amount of weed because of how the laws here are changing; it will be legalized in Canada soon.

    I am in therapy, it helps and I went back because of the reminders I got here. I just sometimes feel so intensely pissed off. I know there are mental health concerns and I am generally very balanced in how I try to approach things now because formerly my temper did get the better of me. But the resentment is starting to rub again. The way he speaks to me is as if he is a paying tenant in the home and I am a nosy landlord. Being devalued and manipulated constantly is very hard to manage even with counselling. It makes me sad that this is what's happening, my only son is lazy, a liar, exploitative and snide. Other people tell me how kind and polite he is when they see him, I'm not sure if he's fooling them or just foul with me.

    I hate living like this, I know it will only change when some day, the line is crossed and I detach.

    I'm not there yet and living in the interim is difficult.
     
  4. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    So sorry... medications helped our son but Also him getting sober.

    He is so young.. But you don't deserve to be spoken to with disrespect... He knows it's not right.

    Hugs. Your doing the best you can Mom.
     
  5. Go slow mama

    Go slow mama Member

    Thanks mof...it does help to feel heard.
     
  6. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome Go Slow. It's hard when they are minors. I too had a great, very close relationship with my younger son. It has been shredded. My heart has been broken so many times. We have two older sons that have done well. All of our friends kids are doing well. It all reminds me of what our son is not doing. We want so much for him.

    Is anyone living in the home with you except your son? My husband has been a great support for me, also therapy and this forum. I also talk to friends but don't want to overwhelm them with what I'm dealing with so felt it better to confide in a therapist. My husband even gets sick of talking about it.

    When your son is 18 you can either make him follow your rules or leave. My son went very long periods of time sober but even then he wasn't flourishing. Wasn't doing anything with his life. I still don't get it. He graduated high school by the skin of his teeth. I finally typed up a contract of the rules of our home the last time he binged. He tore it up. I reprinted it and he laughed and broke every rule within 2 days. We finally said go to rehab or get out. He chose rehab but honestly is still doing it his way.
    I cut off all contact with him for about a month recently. He only was able to contact his dad. He reached out to me and told me he hated us not having a relationship. I have set up boundaries with him. If he does not stay sober, I will again cut him off.

    This has been a very hard road for us. Highway to hell pretty much sums it up.
     
  7. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    I am a mirror, I treat people like they treat me. Kids who do nothing for me GET NOTHING IN RETURN! Period. Nothing!

    Cut him off of your doing anything for him and I mean anything. If that is illegal, then they can just remove him from your home and deal with him themselves!

    P.S. You might want to take him on a vacation to the Philippines or Singapore. Let him do his thing there. See what THEY do to him. (Just buy a return ticket for yourself as he will not be coming back!)
     
  8. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    Hi go slow, So others tell you what a good kid he is...sounds very familiar to me! He obviously knows how to be polite and respectful when he wants to be ! You absolutely do not have to accept unacceptable behavior! Precept is right! I will only do for my son when his behavior is acceptable. What you give is what you get. I know how hard it is when they live in your home. The key is IT IS YOUR HOME! Have you tried taking the door to his room off? It is your home and right now with the behavior he is exhibiting he does not seem like he is entitled to have a door on his room. I did this with my son when he was younger and it did make a difference. He had to earn the door back. the way i see it, is what they get is a privilege, NOT a rite. It is a rite if he goes out and gets it on his own.
    right now since he is under your roof it should be your rules. As RN asked is anyone else in the home? having support and showing a united front can really help.