Dear God In Heaven What Have I Done?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Hound dog, May 9, 2008.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Many of the older members here are familiar with the story of stepgfg and why my profile has her and my grandchildren Kayla and Alex listed as missing.

    Nine years ago stepgfg contacted us, homeless and pregnant with Kayla. After several months of her situation not improving in MO, and getting worse with the passage of time, we finally convinced her to move in with us. mother in law paid the bus fare for stepgfg and the baby. She arrived so gaunt and discheiveled that I kid you not, I didn't recognize her.

    She lived with us only a few weeks before she told us she was pregnant. No, actually, I told her she was pregnant and to come clean so she could get prenatal care. (I'd already guessed this was the reason for her sudden change of heart)

    I'm not going into the whole story. But she was to have left abusive boyfriend behind to make a fresh start. While living in our home she was neglectful and abusive to Kayla. We moved her into her own apartment shortly before Alex was born. And it went straight downhill from there. We discovered the boyfriend had actually come with her and had been living on the street while she'd lived with us. (she hadn't left him) And that she was a meth addict.

    When Kayla was 2 and Alex was 1 they just up and vanished. I received a nasty letter about me wanting to take the kids from her about a week later. That's the last we heard.

    When we discovered her missing I'd called cps in Mo and informed them she was returning to live on the streets with the grandkids. They told me they'd be watching for her. (the reason for the nasty letter, I assume she believe husband and I got custody)

    A post here prompted me to search via the internet once again. Only tonight my mouse landed on a link I ordinarily would ignore. I typed in her name and age and they gave me an immediate result. I had to sign up to the sight to see it. Since it was free and I figured it would be another dead end I did it.

    I found her.

    Dear God in Heaven.

    I swear to you my heart plunged straight thru the floor. My hands are still shaking.

    Stepgfg is alive. She married boyfriend. And she's living in Mo. She has a "friend" posted, but no pics of the kids. Hmmmm.

    Do I want to open this can of worms? I don't think so. I wouldn't dare unless I knew that by some miracle stepgfg is clean and sober. And even then I'd probably be gun shy. She nearly distroyed Nichole mentally and emotionally when she took off. (mothers just don't do that to their babies) And she leveled a mighty heavy blow to the whole family.

    The sight will contact her that I've searched for her. She'll get my email addy, but I gave no other info. If she tried she could just call information and get our phone number and such. I've kept it listed.

    For me, the peace of mind that she is alive and evidently somewhat well is enough for now. I don't know what will come of my search tonight. I don't know if she joined hoping we were looking for her or not. She doesn't really have family except us.

    But I wonder how much Fate played into this or just one whopping dose of coincidence? Stepgfg joined this site only 4 days ago. And I found her tonight. What are the odds? I've been searching on and off for 6 long years.

    I'm not telling the kids. I did tell husband as his left for work just now. I couldn't really keep that from him. She is his biodaughter afterall.

    I love this child as my own. Whatever comes of this I am thankful for the gift of knowing for sure where she is and that she is alive. For now that's enough.
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Here's hoping they're all OK. I think you did the right thing to not say anything to the others just yet. Hopefully her husband is either clean or stable, and the kids are OK. At her rate of reproduction, there may be even more grandkids.

    If nothing else, I hope you at least get answers and closure. To hope for anything more may be too premature, but above all else, I pray that you don't get hurt, any of you.

    Keep yourself safe, and remember to breathe.

    Hugs, Lisa.
  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yeah! I am very happy for you to know she is alive!


    I have no idea what will happen from here - but if you have NO expectations than you will not be disappointed.
  4. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    no advice, no ideas- but tons of hugs!
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Lisa, it is a gift that you found her and she is alive.
    I would just leave it at that. You trusted your gut to search online when you did. Now trust your gut to keep your distance and let her live her life ... for right or wrong. Most likely, she will contact you in the future and you will have much to deal with-then.
    Take care.
  6. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Oh, Lisa that just sounds heartbreaking. You did the right thing, you let her know you still think about her and care for her, and you were not too pushy. I hope this ends how you want it to
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I think the relief of simply knowing where someone is and the fact that they are alive is the release you needed from this pain. To invite her back or invite more pain by getting involved in her life and the lives of those grandkids in my opinon would be nothing more than asking for trouble.

    Now don't get upset - I know you love her. I know you love those kids. But the facts are: She chose to run away with boyfriend. She chose to marry him. They are her kids, and despite what comes she's raising them with him they way they want to. You have a ultra mothering side in you that wants to go, get, fix, resolve. Without a doubt it's an admirable quality.

    I think one line in your post said it all. It said it all for me anyway. And that was the line about Nicole. Where it nearly destroyed her when SD left with the kids. As your friend, I would caution you at this point to invision the worst possible scenario if sd came back into her life and things were little to no different. Only you know what that would be like. I can imagine from the things you've shared what it would be like and it scares the absolute heck outta me.

    On the other hand (you have 5 fingers) but - you know how manipulative this girl can be. And now you would have the added "bonus" for lack of better word of her HUSBAND. And I'm sure if he held a fascination and control over her as a girlfriend, as a husband (deeming that he could have gotten religion bug) he's not going to be any fun to play with. In abusive homes husbands control things like which family you see and uses the children against the woman. (and can vise versa).

    So before you strike up a conversation with her or start emailing thinking what harm can it do...think about this. Even in emails you can be manipulated, upset, agrivated. And while I would, as my friend, LOVE to say with great certainty "Lisa I cant' believe you aren't there having lunch and hugging them all." I think this is something you already have that Mommy gut feeling about.

    I also have someone that I keep tabs on. I do it for my safety. If I follow their internet goings on - I know they are not near me and I am relatively safe. So I can sleep at night. I watch that person - that person does not know I exist as I am. It is more or less a safety net for me. In this case I hope you consider that scenario for you, Nicole and all the rest in your house that JUST now seem to be settling down. To add sd to the mix at this juncture in life to me would be like pouring gasoline on a bon fire. I also want you to think about YOURSELF. You can still love from afar. And I would think if your sd WANTED any contact or COULD have any -she knows how to dial 411 and look up your number - you said yourself you've never had it unlisted. So what has stopped her from calling all these years?

    Another thought pops into my head as I'm typing this. If he is manipulative - and they are out of money - he may figure enough time has gone by to where you are SO egar to see those grands and you sd, you would do ANYTHING to keep them close. Once he see's that is a possibility - I think you'll be in for more than you've bargained for. I mean do you think its at ALL possible for them to have used up all the people around them in so many years that now they are considering running a con game on you and husband? Or what if she starts calling and says "But Daddy Kayla won't have shoes, or food or this or that." are you really going to be able to shut the door or turn off the phone and have that thought in the back of your mind?

    I'm sorry to be negative Nel - but I've LIVED THIS already in my life and watched how a first rate sociopath manipulated me and my family into giving him money and such. In my mind I thought at the time I was helping my husband. Now looking back I realize I made enablers out of my family and used them for his sake.

    Of course you know I'm an eternal optimist so it could turn out and I hope it does for your heart - that they've spent time away, grown up, become drug free, responsible and have had the change of a lifetime. That would be my wish, but my intuition says - You went looking because you loved.

    Tell yourself for a while - THE ONLY thing I was trying to do was to see that she was alive - that is ALL I wanted to know. And think about this long and hard before you attempt any contact - even email. In a few words - for the time being? Let it be what it is and let it go for now.

    You have my biggest hugs today - thanks for the coffee and cake. Enjoyed hanging in your kitchen.

  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I am having no contact. For me, it is just enough to know where she is and that she is alive. As for the grands, I still don't think she has them unless she managed to shape up enough for cps to give them back, which unless a miracle happened, I seriously doubt.

    Knowing what the attempt to help her did to Nichole the last time is enough in itself to prevent me from reaching out. If she emails I can read and not respond.

    There is no threat of her using the kids to get to me. I'd call cps on the slightest indication. That was a lesson learned the hardest way possible and will never be forgotten.

    I also more than anything want to believe she and boyfriend-now husband sobered up, straightened up and got their act together. But the pessimist in me says that's probably not the case. And even sober sd can be manipulative, mean, and spiteful, as well as loving. Both her biomom and I suspect serious mental illness.

    As for using up people around them, they did that before sd landed on my doorstep. And sd knows me well enough to know I won't "help" her again.

    If cps didn't return the grands, it's possible she still believes I have them. That could be the reason behind her joining this sight. Hoping to contact me to contact them. I looked for boyfriend/husband name and he's not listed. But there have been searches done for my name. And I have no family looking for me, except perhaps sd.

    Thought popped into my head. She may be wondering if mother in law is still alive. Once upon a time she would've inherited. mother in law with her lawyers help worded the will in such a way sd will no longer get anything. I have the things to be passed down to Kayla and Alex, if someday that opportunity arises. But sd might be thinking there is money to be had. Who knows?

    husband's reaction was to curse, grumble, and mumble what the heck had I done that for? sigh

    Now that I know what I know there is a chance she's on MySpace. Actually a good chance as that type of thing was always big with her. So I might take a look see and if she is, that's a way to monitor her without her knowing.

    As for us, if she'd cleaned up she could find us so easy it's ridiculous. Even if she wasn't smart enough to look for my name listed, mother in law's address and phone are listed and have never changed.

    My aunt who was in a similar situation (and has since reunited after many yrs with her daughter) told me once to never say never. I'm not saying never. But I'm leaving the ball in sd's court. If she does decide to contact I'll be extremely cautious in my decision to respond.

    A little sleep has helped me to calm down and put this discovery back into perspective. I love sd, but I won't let her cause pain to this family again.

    Thanks for the support, and for the words of wisdom.

  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    And saying I'd look her up on myspace.........

    I just found her there. She now has 3 children. And is looking for work.
  10. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Sometimes people actually grow up. The fact that she is on the internet tells me that she must have some income. After 6 years, there are probably more kids.

    The ball is in her court as to whether she chooses to initiate conversation. have to decide what to do. I don't think you need to rescue her, but it might be a crack in the door to restoring a relationship.

    Just went through this with J. I resisted for months. Things are not great for him, but at least we can have a conversation now without him calling me a b*tch.

  11. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Lisa, I'm in mid-Mo. Not sure where in MO she is, but if its reasonable distance, I'd be willing to do a drive by. Think about it.

    Driving is my sanity saver.
  12. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Lisa - I'm stunned that you finally found her. I do remember the turmoil when she left, how horrible that period of time was.

    I was thinking along the same lines as Abbey - if she's on the internet, she's probably not living on the street. Maybe she's turned things around.

    I'm a wimp, but there are some things best left to imagination in my humble opinion. I would hope that she's pulled it together but I'd wait until if/when she initiates contact.

    Really, I'm just amazed that you found her after all this time.

    A gentle hug to you.
  13. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Recently, something in me was pushing me to search out for my brother. Long story, but I hadn't had contact with him in years and only heard bits and pieces from my aunt, who heard from him when he needed money. I found him.....he was listed as an absconder from the prison authority in a particular state. Three days after I saw his picture on that site, my aunt called me to tell me he had died six months before. No one knows the details.

    Though I had seen his picture from a prison system, I still had some kind of relief knowing that one year prior, he was somewhere. You needed to know where she was and if she was alive, right? It's somewhat of a relief. I did the same for other estranged family members and found some of them too. It was a good feeling, but there were other mixed feelings as well.
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I understand looking for her and the grands. And looking for her myspace page. I join Star and the others in urging you to think long and hard before any contact is made.

    Sending hugs,

  15. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    I'm glad for the peace of mind you now have at least knowing she is alive - I can't imagine what you must be feeling at the moment. As far as further contact - you have to feel comfortable with whatever the results will be from having contact. If your not up to another emotional nightmare you may do better to watch from afar. I will never pretend to walk in shoes I haven't been in and I have not yet walked in yours - so I can only send gentle ((hugs)) and wish you the very best outcome for the situation. Fate has a funny way of sneaking up on you - whatever was meant to happen in the end will. I really wish you the very best of luck in dealing with the whole situation. Keep strong!